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Elderly parents
Original poster

The Cockroach Cafe (the successor to the Shiny Thread)

964 replies

MereDintofPandiculation · 22/08/2019 22:25

A space for us all to get together for relief from caring, share news, frustrations, problems, or just have a rant. Everyone and everything welcome (though if you have a big problem needing advice, you may want to start a new thread so as to be heard above the noise of the clanking gin bottles and general chatter)

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Original poster
MereDintofPandiculation · 10/01/2020 09:52

Here it is!
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/elderly_parents/3790756-The-Cockroach-Cafe-Mark-2-general-coping-with-oldies

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yolofish · 09/01/2020 11:51

Done!

Original poster
MereDintofPandiculation · 09/01/2020 10:36

would anyone mind if I started another cockroach cafe mark 2" thread in honour of my dear mum?* Glad you mentioned it! I've been watching the numbers of posts and calculating how long I could leave it before starting the continuation - yes, please do, that's a lovely idea.

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thesandwich · 09/01/2020 08:51

Your dad sounds a character, dint Glad you can enjoy some time with him rather than have to be a carer.
yolo that sounds a fab idea! Go for it!

yolofish · 08/01/2020 22:24

dint it sounds as if your dad is getting quite sparky in his care home!

would anyone mind if I started another *cockroach cafe mark 2" thread in honour of my dear mum?

ParoxetineQueen · 08/01/2020 15:44

the degree to which they have exacerbated the mess by trying to "avoid troubling you
Oh yes! A thousand times. Telling all and sundry about their ‘problems’, not a whisper to you even though they know and need you to sort it out and by that time it’s urgent.
Thank you all for keeping me sane,

Original poster
MereDintofPandiculation · 08/01/2020 12:33

This is interesting because I see so many people who don’t find this a burden I think that depends on how many questions, how many times the same question has been asked, what time the questions are asked (phone calls just as you're dropping into your first deep sleep), the urgency with which the questions are put (I have No Email ... and you have to schedule an urgent visit just to sort out exactly which button they're hitting on their computer) and the degree to which they have exacerbated the mess by trying to "avoid troubling you".

I get a strong sense of needing to change. You'll change when the problems no longer overwhelm you. That's a different level for everyone, but one of the things I've learned is trying to do everything makes you unable to do anything.

Dad was in a grumpy mood yesterday. They were taking down the Christmas decorations and took down his strings of Christmas cards. He made them put them up again Grin. He wasn't ready to have them down until he'd recorded all the people who'd sent him one. They've given him a helium balloon - not sure what he makes of it - I think he views it as yet another of the perplexing quirks of Management. (Yes, I'm certainly appreciating my father more now all I do is his admin, and somebody else does his personal care and medications).

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thesandwich · 07/01/2020 15:12

V interesting points. I try to follow the example of a lovely older friend who has daughters my age and cultivate younger friends and acquaintances.
rose we are all different- don’t measure yourself against what others do.
My sil had her very disabled elderlies for several full days over Christmas plus homemade mince pies, Christmas cakes, numerous Christmas trees, full time work, etc etc...... I am sure my dm makes unfavourable comparisons. I am not my sil and will not do that( can’t bake anyway😂😂)

AutumnRose1 · 07/01/2020 15:05

Mere “ All this would be so much easier if you could just ask your children a few questions ... but these questions will make you a burden.”

This is interesting because I see so many people who don’t find this a burden. I want to be that person. I know everyone loses patience occasionally but generally I see so many people helping their parents with a real feeling of it being worth it. Tbh I started with that feeling as well. I get a strong sense of needing to change.

Mum’s neighbour helps her a lot, his mother is in her 90s and he has to help her too. Interestingly, he does complain about his adult children but he is fine to help his mum and my mum! (His children are quite demanding though). All his time outside work is taken up with childcare or elder care, but he still helps mum and another elderly neighbour. I really admire that.

yolofish · 07/01/2020 15:01

I dont know how I wont be, but I'm guessing I'm hoping for a short, painless terminal illness so I can have a proper deathbed scene, having put all my affairs in order...

Original poster
MereDintofPandiculation · 07/01/2020 14:51

I really dont want to be a burden and will do everything I can to avoid it. But how? Yes, you can downsize, de-clutter, get your papers in order, move to sheltered accommodation - but all that may mean giving up your life prematurely and when you've had a lifetime of caring, the chance to live your own life is precious. Yes, life would be easier with a cleaner or a carer or meals on wheels, but that would involve loss of choice, having to get up and go to bed to someone else's timetable, eat according to someone else's meal choice, lost your autonomy.

Then there will come a time when you begin to lost your grip. Not dementia, but is normal in old age to become more anxious and less confident in making your own decisions - but who do you talk your decisions over with? You used to be ahead of everybody with new technology, but somehow now you find you've missed some key bit - it didn't seem more than a gimmick when it started, but now it's ubiquitous and you can't manage without it - yet you don't understand it, and it's so difficult to learn and play catch-up. All this would be so much easier if you could just ask your children a few questions ... but these questions will make you a burden.

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AutumnRose1 · 07/01/2020 14:16

Mere I don’t have children. I have no interest in family stuff so it’s all just so pointless.

yolofish · 07/01/2020 12:02

totally agree about the being a burden. Mum definitely became a burden to me, and by extension to the DDs and even DH - he never visited her, but he kept the home fires burning and listened to me ranting. The DDs visited less and less because she became so negative, so it was a self perpetuating circle.

I really dont want to be a burden and will do everything I can to avoid it.

Original poster
MereDintofPandiculation · 07/01/2020 11:57

It's awful, because you know that this is the route you're going down too.And you wouldn't want your children to see you as a nuisance.

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AutumnRose1 · 07/01/2020 10:37

Mere “ it's very difficult to view your loved one as anything other than a nuisance”

I’ve seen mine as a nuisance for ages. It’s easier to be sympathetic when they are actually ill because although the burden is bigger, it’s not “I want my chiiiiild”.

And after dad’s death, mum has told me he used to tell her a lot that he wished I was around more often. Le sigh.

thesandwich · 07/01/2020 08:30

Thank you all for your insights.
dint you articulate exactly where I am- wanting to get back to the old relationship with dm, which not perfect was better than this. And mentally she is almost all there.

Original poster
MereDintofPandiculation · 07/01/2020 07:17

I had been doing at least one visit a day including meal prep and commode......Plus shopping/ all admin/ Christmas shopping etc etc........ That is a lot!! When Dad was at home, I did 2-3 days a week (about 2-3 hours), plus admin, shopping, laundry, management of financial affairs, being on-call 24/7. Now I still visit every 3 days (with occasional relief from DS2 or DH) and manage financial affairs and all his interaction with the outside world. But he's stopped timing his loo visits for my arrival, thank goodness, and I rarely stay more than 2 hours. It also makes a surprisingly large difference not having to do shopping or laundry. And great not to be on-call.

I managed not to give up my voluntary work (I reasoned that Dad can easily last on for 10 years or more, and that pushing 80 it wouldn't be so easy to pick up my social life and feeling of being useful in the community).

But what's good is I'm warming to my father again - when the interactions are an unending series of problems interspersed by being dragged out of bed at 1am to deal with the aftermath of a fall (sometimes followed by a wait for an ambulance while trying to staunch blood, and 5 hours in A&E) it's very difficult to view your loved one as anything other than a nuisance. Feel very disloyal saying that. Now I'm seeing more of my old father, and viewing him with fondness.

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Original poster
MereDintofPandiculation · 07/01/2020 07:04

I am endeavouring to get out of the hands on care role with dm I’ve had to be part of since her fall in Nov so I am happy to do the treat bits. Yes, that's a very good reason to outsource all the hands-on care stuff. It restores the important stuff to the relationship.

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Original poster
MereDintofPandiculation · 07/01/2020 07:02

Mere I admire you for doing that, glad it went well Nothing to admire! It beats the alternative of holding the celebration in a room at the home Grin - a no-brainer.

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yolofish · 06/01/2020 22:24

sandwich do you pay, or is the care via SS? I'm sorry, I think you said a few pages back that she pays. Possibly time to get SS to do a reassesment (I think they will do that on request) for her actual needs and then try and establish what they will provide and how much can be topped up privately? sorry if talking out of my arse, its been a loooong day.

AutumnRose1 · 06/01/2020 22:15

sandwich sounds like there’s more paid care needed?

thesandwich · 06/01/2020 22:03

thanks both.
She has carers who are lovely but seem permanently stretched according to dm and couldn’t cover all when she fell, couldn’t walk and needed more care. And they said they couldn’t cover bank hols... and miraculously did when I made noises about alternatives....
Yes- I will reclaim my life. Thank you for the kick up the behind!

yolofish · 06/01/2020 21:59

sandwich you definitely must make this the year you reclaim some time for you. I cant remember, sorry, but will she accept outside carers? if not, then you have to just be less available, and I know how diffiicult it is... cant drink from an empty tap and all that.

AutumnRose1 · 06/01/2020 21:54

sandwich ah, sorry, you did tell me that before.

thesandwich · 06/01/2020 21:50

rose no, I no longer work- ran my own business up to a few years ago.
Retirement has been dominated by dm care. Far too much atm.
Last year particularly. Not what I worked £&*# hard for. I want to do more travel and volunteering but have had to step back from some of that.