Elderly parents are hard work.

It is very hard when parents age and even harder if they are blind or going blind op. It is impossible to make siblings help but that doesn't mean you need to take the full burden. Often old people will not accept carers, taxis ext as long as you keep doing it all. No need for it to be all or nothing. I think you need to think carefully about what you are prepared to do. For example food shopping but not non essential shopping, transport and support for hospital appointments but not hair appointments and social visits. Help them access professional help for other things and stick to your guns. Get as much financial support as you can from things like Attendance Allowance for them and be firm when pointing out that this extra money is to help with cleaner, gardener, taxis ext. It is astonishing how many older people are happy to access this extra financial help and then don't want to use it. Some would rather keep it in the bank and still have family running themselves ragged. I think its to do with needing to feel loved. Reassure them on that point op, maybe the odd box of chocs or bunch of flowers when you visit but be firm about not letting them run you ragged. Good luck op.

Isn't this what we 'save all our lives' for..carers, gardeners, taxis, window cleaners, etc etc. To buy in help and support in our old age? What do people do with no family? They have to pay or rely on social services. You need to take a big step back and let their choices dictate how they live. Ignore the sad faces, pure manipulation. If they choose not to pay for help rather than putting on you then that's up to them. My DM ended up on antidepressants and blood pressure medication running round after my GM. Learn to say no, their wants do not trump yours. Your own family and DC are your priority.

The help alarm - someone has to rush to their aid when they call. Ok someone logs the call but they then need phone numbers of people who will go to fix the emergency - most likely this will turn out to be you - imagine middle of the night calls which HAVE to be attended just in case.

The fridge disaster - you could have refused to become involved. Let DSis and parents deal with angry company who provided it / the delivery guys who have to take it away again, paying for something and then trying to get their money back.
That will cut back on the problems they cause. And if they say they want you to buy them whatever be firm and tell them you will in x months when you have more time.

Help them out eventually but they need to suffer the issues they are causing. I would look for a home visiting chiropodist, hairdresser, window cleaner, gardener etc
By constantly saving the day there is no incentive for them to be more sensible in their decision making.

Yes Beautiful I was really shocked, I naively thought it was charity funded help. Was quite upset when I found out people are charged £15 an hour for help with going shopping.

This explains it
www.gov.uk/attendance-allowance

You are best off getting CAB or a service like that to help you fill it in (look on county council's website as some CCs have information in general on who can help with what and also on usual community groups in general). There's a knack to filling out the form

www.gov.uk/government/publications/attendance-allowance-claim-form

You can also contact Age UK for help. I’m not sure if people realise they arrange help for people but that people pay for it themselves.

OP sorry to ask this as it sounds like yet another job for you - but have you checked out what they might be entitled to?

you mentioned about them going into a home too which sounds like it might be a good option?

I am not a bad tempered person but would lose my rag at the expectations they have. For example, your mum and the hairdressers - and you cleaning windows and so on. It's fine if you volunteered but it sounds like they are just dumping on you.

You have had brilliant advice here and you are absolutely right to put things in place and step back.
With attendance allowance, order forms by post then claim will be backdated to the date posted. Get help from age uk or carers uk to complete them. Not means tested but very useful funds for the help they need. Good luck and keep your resolve.

I wonder if your feeling of dread is partly that you think you're about to lose your rag with them - which I think would be a good thing tbh.

How long have you been caring for them btw?

I’m kind of still fuming about this

I wouldn’t even say “I don’t have time”. If you were sipping cocktails all day, it’s not right for them to ask all the things they ask of you.

"I also like the idea of them paying for a gardener, window cleaner and taxis. I will have to ask them first, if they refuse I cannot enforce it and will be back to square one.

They will refuse. Then you say "that's a shame as I simply don't have the time to do it. I'll leave the phone numbers here in case you change your mind". If they choose to have dirty windows, or can't get to the hairdresser, they won't be harmed. Save your energy for helping them with important stuff that can't be easily outsourced.

It helped when setting boundaries to tell my mother that my husband had put his foot down. She felt she could bully me, but he was an unknown quantity. Her big fear was being abandoned altogether.

I also, after experience of no sibling or financial support when my dad was ill , decided to do my best to ensure my family were not resentful. The costs to me (petrol etc) of helping my parents were adding up. My parents had money, so did my brother. We had the least but the time and financial burden fell on me. When my mother needed help, I put my foot down. My family were not to be out of pocket.

Tell your parents, perhaps with your DH, that you are going to need to find a part time job and so will no longer support them. They might employ someone, or perhaps they could employ you. Expect blowback, but brave the storm. They will not want you to walk out. They will be frightened and, after a last ditch attempt at
bullying you, will cave. Define what you are prepared to do, perhaps one afternoon a week. Suggest solutions to different problems. Gardener, online food delivery etc. You will help them set things up, but you cannot continue to carry the burden, financially or emotionally.

Plus you will need a complete rest/break as you look for a job. You are exhausted and cannot carry on.

I’m shocked by this post

I think elderly parents are very hard work but I’ve never done anything like this. They are taking the piss.

You say you don't want to apply for carers allowance, but you should look at attendance allowance if they don't already get it - it's non-means tested, and is designed to cover the extra costs of living with increasing disability. It would give you a good argument re window cleaning etc "that's what your AA is for, to pay things like that".

outreach29 is spot on.
If they could afford to pay for cleaner, gardener, window cleaner, and choose not to, then ..

You know what OP - they could have dirty windows and an unkempt garden then - their choice.

Becoming a carer for someone is a choice that sneaks up on you, harder to avoid when you live with someone, but it's still a choice in this situation if you realise. Easier to explain when you have children dependent on you too.

To me the GP and health appointments are important. And firefighting of crises like fixing when heating isn't working or they need online shopping service ordered and for you to put it away for them (if dad can't).

Leave them with details of cleaners, window cleaner etc or arrange a few interviews at theirs whilst you can support them to negotiate.

As I wanted carers to check on them once a week and offer to do a light shop, establish an emergency contact if I'm not around, and raise bathing issues (mother cannot get in nor out of the bath).

Ok. So if this is all they need, it's not clear they'd be eligible under the Care Act for support from LA Eg if they are otherwise independent with key things like personal care, making food and drinks, and all the other criteria. Mum would be be entitled to an OT bathing assessment but as they sound financially well off she'd likely have to pay, so it'd be advice and information after OT assessment unless a very small piece of equipment. Wet rooms, stairlifts, ramps, they all tend to be financially assessed under DFGs.

Window cleaning, laundry, housework, gardening etc are services that they can pay for. And that's quite liberating as I doubt you have time to run your own house let alone theirs
Mother would be better off using a wheelchair taxi as you or she may get hurt trying to transfer her in and out of your car, let alone lifting her wheelchair into your boot.

It sounds like they could do with a private Personal assistant ie. A regular carer who they have once or twice a week who organises them. Probably cost about £20-40 a week for 2 hours depending on where they live. You can advertise or use word of mouth or use a care agency. If both were claiming Attendance allowance they'd have £60 each a week extra.
Definitely talk to them about LPAs whilst you can.

It's really worth looking on your local County council's adult services dept website as there will be plentiful advice on there about services and support.

The key is you don't have to do it. It's lovely to visit them and sort out important issues, but you don't have to get involved with ordering unneccesary extra sofas or stuff "Mum I don't have time for that, you have an hour of my time today and on X day" or a "I'm too busy to visit next week will see you following Tuesday. Don't save me a ridiculous list as I've little free time"

As the Smeg fridge didn't fit through their front door why they needed to do was reject the delivery. Then it's up to your sister to sort out rest. Her order, her credit card. They are all expecting and asking you to do stuff because you step in. Try stepping back sometimes and say No & that they ask someone else as you're too busy. There's 3 adult DCs. The other two seem to have no problem in saying no.

You know what OP - they could have dirty windows and an unkempt garden then - their choice.

Don't be blackmailed - you have your own family with your children and husband to look after.

Yes it's really hard. You need to firstly try and get power of attorney for both heath and money as they have to sign the paperwork whilst they are competent. I would then start to discuss moving them, they need carers possibly soon, and they need an environment that they can manage more themselves. It can take a while so start looking before a crisis . I don't know their financial situation but it's worth talking to adult social services and care orgs for advice

I agree with previous poster,they seem to be comfortable financially so arrange to hire a cleaner and gardener,use taxis.Apply for Blue Badge,it "goes" with the person,can be used by anyone who transports them to places.My 90 year old mother doesnt own a car and has a BB.