Elderly parents are hard work.

@Beautiful3
Oh that's good.

Obviously adaptations for.diaability or sensory loss, and other key stuff may fall under care act eligibility and specialist teams (OT, sight loss or heard of hearing teams) But not the ordering fridges and other items, shopping, general household repairs, cleaning windows , hair dresser appointments and it's health responsibility to arrange transport for health appointments if no one else can take them.

@Beautiful3 I hope I've helped with links to attendance allowance.
And that you have asked for a copy of Care Act assessments (whether it was done by a social worker or OT).to read to your parents ..usually OTs refer if there is a care need to SW team.

The things you have mentioned being asked for, aren't things generally that fall under LA care to arrange or fund, but more tend to fall under could use disability money to pay for, or use community services for eg handyman services run by Local BC or charity, and hospital transport. It's very hard. And the rest is general organising that your parents are making hard and unneccesrily so.

I think you have a kind attitude. Please get on with arranging your children's lives and what you need to do for them. Then fit in the most important stuff for parents around that. You don't have to do all the things your parents are asking you to do. And please dont do the transporting mum who can't safely manoevre into/out of your car thing and get hurt.

I'm disabled aged 45+ and I do not ask my children to do this, nor my relatives or friends. I'm also in this field if you haven't already suspected.

I understand how hard it is. My mother is becoming more and more frail and beginning to have increasing needs, regular admissions to hospital and needing carers etc.
It's very draining and if I hadn't at least had cousins and my auntie on the end of a phone I'd have really struggled.
I think you really need to get back onto ss and ask for an assessment- if you get nowhere then speak to the gp and tell them you can't cope anymore and keep pushing for it, it sounds like you simply have to start saying no - for the sake of your health and your children.
One last thing - have you looked into a local carer support network? Well worth doing, lots of support and many offer things like training, coffee mornings and free parking at hospitals etc.

Help them out eventually but they need to suffer the issues they are causing. I would look for a home visiting chiropodist, hairdresser, window cleaner, gardener etc
By constantly saving the day there is no incentive for them to be more sensible in their decision making.

Good advice, and don't feel guilty for not being at their beck and call.

That's too general. Every family is different. I looked after mum when my kids were really young, my siblings had grown up kids with all the time in the world and they still left it to me.
You either step up when your parents need you or you leave it to someone else.

When they grew up unconditional loyalty to your parents was the water that they swam in, they cannot comprehend that society has moved on and their own children do not feel the same way

dear friend, widowed a couple of years ago , who has not set up a safety net. Her daughter is brilliant but at the other end of the country and with her own young family. Her son is often abroad and my friend "saves" jobs for him for when he comes
it sounds to me as if she has set up a safety net it's just not a particularly good one, I would say that her practice of saving jobs for her son is her way of sending him a message that he ought to be caring for and supporting her
I think she instinctly feels that her children are the ones who have a duty to care for her and any suggestions about paid help are just ignored because they don't fit in with her underlying belief that her children owe it to her

The biggest handicap to a comfortable old age is money.
Money pays for everything you mention.

@ssd absolutely no intention of being cruel and the biggest handicap to a comfortable old age is dependence on good will. Because good will falters and I'm listening to a dear friend, widowed a couple of years ago , who has not set up a safety net. Her daughter is brilliant but at the other end of the country and with her own young family. Her son is often abroad and my friend "saves" jobs for him for when he comes which infuriates me as we have a local handyman who is excellent. She has the money for this .
Personally I would ,rather than meet and talk, I would relegate one task at a Time. I think a meeting could well end in tears and op would feel obliged to carry on. I'm all for nudging in the right direction.

OP, most areas have volunteer drivers who will take old people to hospital appointments, and only charge for the petrol money. This could take a big load off your back in terms of time spent ferrying them around, sitting in waiting rooms etc.
I understand all the tasks have built up on you gradually, but I agree with a PP that you need a meeting with your parents and sister, at which you tell them you can no longer fit in all their care with the needs of your DC and the possibility of a part time job.
Then list everything you do for them, and get them to choose whether to have it done by paid professionals (eg gardener, window cleaner), volunteers (eg chauffeuring) or your sister (food shopping, etc).
Decide in advance which bits you are able and willing to do yourself, and do NOT be emotionally blackmailed into doing more. Good luck!

Stanislas, I know you mean well but the difference between where you are now, 70 plus, still able but slowing down, aware of what's around you... is an ocean away from how my mum was at 84. And how many of the elderly parents here are we are/were pulling our hair out with.
Telling the op she needs a shake, however kindly, is just cruel. She needs a sympathetic ear, a bit of empathy, a cuppa and reassurance she's not alone. Getting her dad to do the things you mentioned is impossible if he won't do them. My mum resisted everything until she was forced by time. I don't think you're anywhere near that stage yet and if you get there, hopefully your dds will be on mn getting support too. It happens to the best of us, with all the will in the world trying to prevent it.

I had to log in to tell you op in the nicest possible way that I want to give you a good shake . I am in my seventies with all the usual problems of deterioration.But there is an ocean of help out there if you( meaning your parents) look. Hairdressers chiropodists, beauticians, gardeners,cleaners if they look. But they are not looking because you are doing it. I wouldn't dream of asking my daughters to clean windows although one came and hoovered and changed beds for me when I had a hip replacement. They can afford an expensive fridge and new sofas. They are bored. All these extra people will provide entertainment as well as doing the work. Shopping can be delivered from on line if they need it setting up Age Concern may be a help. Please be tough as it's kinder to you all.

@MereDintofPandiculation @ssd sadly my dad has never shown much interest, it's his way, but has potentially got worse! But the email idea is good, at least he knows what's going on in my life!
Sorry @Beautiful3 I don't want to derail your thread!

MereDintofPandiculation, I admire what you wrote, if that's the right way to put it. Its so hard to see what's going on when you're in the thick of it.

I think we need our parents to still be like our parents as they get old, but it's us who turn into being the parent. They shrink into their former selves. It's heartbreaking. My last birthday when mum was alive I had to phone her to ask her to wish me a happy birthday. She'd forgotten the day, all her days rolled into one. No dementia etc, just old age. Hard to take though.
But they don't mean it its just getting old. If your mum or dad never showed any interest in you then that's different, but a previously concerned parent who forgets to ask you about yourself is common IMO.

claref80 My dad would never ask me about my life, just talk about his. Then I realised he was listening to the radio all day, and his real need was to talk (not listen). So I started writing emails and letters telling him all about the family, and he started to talk about my life as well - never stopping enough for me to say anything, but it showed he was interested. It's just his need for someone to talk to was greater.

I can sympathise OP. I'm feeling very responsible for my elderly dad, as my sibling lives abroad, so it's just me helping. My dad also never asks how I am, despite me being 30 weeks pregnant, or shows interest in grandchildren. I suggest talking to Age UK to find out what help is available locally. We also have local driving/companion services - one is paid for, basically a friendly taxi service going above the usual service, escorting them into doctor, dentist, hairdresser, etc and I think there is also a community run charity taxi service. Could be another way to take the burden off you.
Thank you @ssd, I've been keeping a quiet eye on this section.

Beautiful3, I feel for you, I remember what it's like. I felt so low and desperate. Now of course I'd give my right arm for 5 minutes with my mum or dad.
It's never easy.

It is hard, and lonely especially when no one else in the family steps up. That's why I started this elderly parents section on mn, about 8 years ago. I'm sure it's helped many of us.