Feeling overwhelmed

Hi op, so sorry you're going through this. It is so very difficult. I'm loosely in a sort of similar situation in that my father in law died very suddenly last year. He looked after my mother in law - she had a stroke years ago that made her a little unpredictable...

My in-laws had modest savings so we currently have a live in carer. It is eye watering my expensive and rivals a nursing homes fees.

Sounds like your mum is doing pretty well and can be left to her own devices on the whole. If so perhaps consider a home help type of thing. You'll be looking at £20-40per hour, but it will help the pressure. If your mum has more than £23k savings I wouldn't bother contacting social services as in my experience (I won't go into it here they've been as much use as a chocolate teapot). Alternatively perhaps get a cleaner in or look into a companion?

Silver line is a great but often overlooked charity for lonely elderly people.

Above all don't forget yourself. Best wishes

Don't have time to post much now, but am dealing with similar!
Depending on where you are, Age UK are well worth a look. Some areas offer a reasonably priced home help service. Can help with shopping, cleaning, gardening etc.
Care homes are very expensive and unless you can't live independently may not be the best solution.
Look into sheltered accommodation if Mum is still fairly able.
It's really hard work and overwhelming to suddenly be caring) supporting a parent and trying to grieve for a list one.

tbh it sounds like your mum is actually doing quite well in a way, so physically she can do things, but she's been pole-axed by what happened?

the sheer misery and unhappiness of it all is a terrible thing. I actually had to say to mum to try and keep it from me, and get a counsellor if she needed to say it to someone, because I can't hear it, it's too horrendous, and frankly I think it's unfair to take on someone else's pain.

re her meds, is it amitryptaline (sp) that will be at a painkilling dose, it won't be like taking an antidepressant. Certainly I've had times where I've taken that with my regular meds because of a pain problem.

in terms of looking after you, I mostly struggled because what I needed was time alone and I couldn't get it! but eventually, tbh, I lost it a bit with mum and I found that was quite helpful actually because she realised I was about to crack under pressure.

I'm quite impressed your mum went to a coffee morning with strangers. People suggested it to us but neither of us thought it a good idea. What has been helpful has been finding good books and TV for mum - I appreciate that's quite a mission with a fussy person but she's really got some distraction from things she wouldn't even have known were on if I hadn't told her. Seems a bit random, but very true.

Is your mum religious at all? My mum is now reading a lot of stuff about god which seems to help. She's interested in all religions.

Hallo Lou 898
You are doing really well caring for your kids, working full time and looking after your Mum when you are also grieving for your Dad. Don't be hard on yourself, if you are getting up every day and coping then you're a star.

I'm not certain if you have spoken to her GP yet about the referral for depression? I was surprised how involved and helpful the GP was when my Mum died and I was trying to sort out care for my Dad in his own home. Mum was the competent one, Dad had dementia. So I would say have a talk with her GP about how she is not coping well, they and the practice nurses should at least be able to tell you about the forms of respite available in your area. I also found social services very helpful not just in organising care but also in suggesting social activities and clubs for Dad.

I do know how you feel and how overwhelming it all is. Have you got someone you can really talk to and let off steam with? Would your work give you some compassionate leave? Even a week to take a breath, deal with your Mum and do some self care? Failing that you can always rant here. It has helped me on several occasions.

You are not a bad mum, you are dealing with so much tough stuff right now.

I had to call an ambulance once not long after dad died, because mum has a heart condition and she collapsed. Luckily it was Xmas Eve so they came quickly! They spent lots of time with her and it was considered that it was the strain that caused the collapse. That was with me doing all practical stuff - bar cleaning - mum has a cleaner once a week now because dad did most of it.

So, I can imagine that she feels she needs practical daily help, is it care or is it a home help type situation? Can her friends do any kind of rota, that’s how we managed when I wasn’t there.

Re the depression, the ambulance people made an urgent referral to her GP, who wanted to give her an antidepressant but alas, she didn’t agree. I think it’s a norm now to offer them in bereavement cases like this. I’m already on them and my GP upped the dose.

As for you, are you okay with how much you are doing? I do understand about not having time to grieve, I used to stay for days in a row, come back home - about 90 mins away - and cry for ages. Then I’d have to “reset” to go back within a couple of days.

Another friend who lost her dad in a similar set up to mine, told me very bluntly “if you lose the competent parent, it can be worse than losing them both in an accident or something”. Is that your situation? Mum never even paid bills. So there was a lot of stress apart from the bereavement.

I will be a cliche and say it gets better with time, but it also needed very clear boundaries and honesty with me and mum.

So I’m wondering, can your practical tasks on a Saturday be outsourced? Can a kindly friend or neighbor do things like laundry? That will relieve you a bit.

Has she done anything ordinary? The first day mum agreed to go to the tea shop for a bit of a cake, that was a good start.

firstly, I really hear you. my dad died in October and mum was similar.

in terms of the practicalities, if she can pay for respite care, what does she want - does she want a home or live in? If a home, just ring round your local ones. My experience is that many have no online presence so I had to ask neighbours etc

it sounds like she might be hugely distressed and incorrectly perceiving that she can't cope? Our situation was different because i took redundancy before dad got sick and so was able to spend days a time with mum.

does she want a short term period of someone doing everything for her to help her get back on her feet?

if you are needing the local authority help for that, it will be more complicated, because Adult Social Services will assess her on the basis of needs.

i must try and go back to sleep but will check back later. I get the sense from your post that you are struggling with the utter misery of your mum's pain and that is so hard, I really understand it.