Feeling overwhelmed

Im sorry that you're going through such a difficult time. Sending hugs.

Lou,

did you mean that there was a second incident of her having a near miss or was she telling the optician about the one you saw?

my mum had a tiny bump reversing out of a car park space, about 3 months after dad died. I went into a complete flap and said she should stop driving, she said I was being unfair due to her age. I realised afterwards she was probably right.

what kind of area does she have to get to? Are cabs feasible?

I get that not driving feels like a loss but it isn’t the end of the world. Unless you're in London, it can be the end of your world as you know it. I live on the edge of big city; I can get the bus into the city centre reasonably easily, but that's it. If you can't walk a mile reasonably briskly, and are relying on buses all the way, the changes may mean either that you have to allow 2-3hrs each way, or, worst case, that you cannot go at all. Not arguing a case for driving when unsafe, but please don't underestimate the effect.

Someone up-thread said don't bother with social services - despite my father being self-funding, I've found them quite useful, both in providing information and in sorting things out (eg providing carers) at a time when I had my hands full with other things.

It might also be worth downloading the Attendance Allowance form and seeing if she'd be eligible for that. It's not means tested, and it provides a little bit of money, so that your mum might feel able to accept help to make her life easier, rather than only help that she absolutely needs (an elder's view of what they need tends to be a lot narrower than what their family think they need).

There are almost no people of 100 still with licences. This came out when the Duke of Edinburgh had his crash.

I bet your DM hasn't told the doctor about her near misses.

She may well not have a medical condition that means she can't drive - the DVLA produces a list - but given her problems driving + age + medication she might want to reflect on her safety driving and how she would feel if she were responsible for an accident (the phrase the DVLA gave me in these circumstances)

Older drivers self certify every few years
If she is fit enough to drive, it must be a case that she has lost a little bit of confidence when driving now
There are people of 100 who are still driving
She probably doesn't want to loose her indepependance

Anna every older person she meets wants to talk about their illnesses/tell her Brexit is wonderful/moan about the NHS when she has strongly opposite opinions

she should have been mates with my late dad - he complained about this too! Frankly it's good he's been spared the problems of old age and was still zipping about energetically before falling ill.

One reason I haven't encouraged mum to go out and meet new people is I think it's quite a horrible exercise to go through at any age.

I think it would be nice if mum had her cleaner in more than once a week but there's no need really. She's 80 and can still pick things up from the floor no trouble, which is good of course!

I think she comes more often than once a week. My DM basically does her cooking and anything that falls on the floor, stays on the floor until the cleaner arrives so she doesn't have to try to bend and clean it up.

She has a whole community around her now that seem to know each other via elderly clients - a handyman who more or less just does jobs for elderly people, a mobile hairdresser, the Readibus and the people she knows from the Readibus. She also knits and that is a great way to meet people too. And then if she is missing for a day, all those people ask after her and so on.

One thing my DM has had to learn, is that you do have to put up with things not being exactly how you would like them. She wants to socialise, she wants to have friends - so she ignores the fact that every older person she meets wants to talk about their illnesses/tell her Brexit is wonderful/moan about the NHS when she has strongly opposite opinions. She focusses on the good and what they have in common - OP your DM may well have to do the same when going to coffee mornings, it's like being back at school again I think!

OP hope your weekend has been okay.

Anna how often does your DM cleaner come? My mum has a cleaner once a week.

Sorry this is so hard.

My Mum's cleaner has turned out to be a life line for her. She has a young Romanian cleaner, they chat all the time. My mum still cooks every day from scratch but can't open jars/cut veg so she saves all that up and the cleaner does it.

Equally cleaner's husband has done random odd jobs around the house of the sort she would normally have just got my dad to do.

Church is another great support - they usually have very organised lift systems for older people as well, plus church lunches. There may be things she didn't go to with your dad as well.

I'm going to add that it is relatively early days & your DM & yourself will take time to adjust

Your DM us fortunate to have family to provide support, especially if you live fairly locally

I would encourage your DM to continue with church & if possible some other social clubs, perhaps clubs that serve meals

Good luck

If she has a spare room, she could get a younger lodger to stay in the house. Obviously you would need to get the lodger.
Or a foreign student

If she is lonely, does she have a pet

Some pharmacies offer free delivery of regular medicine. Fill out form at pharmacy, order over phone

Some suggestions

Apply for a bus pass for your DM & get timetable & number for local taxi company if she is not driving

Possibly sell the car, use money for taxis
SORN the car
Get money back for tax & insurance

Get a local cleaner/handy man who is recommended by local friends. Someone who will have a chat while they are there each time they go

Private carers are expensive, ring round for prices, per half or full hour

Respite, why not book your DM into a local hotel full board. No worry about cooking

You could get the post redirected to you via Royal Mail, there is a one off charge

I actually find it good to have tasks to do at mum's. in the beginning, we did used to watch films and stuff but I realised later on, she was just in complete shock and doing whatever I suggested.

now I find having tasks to do saves a lot of potentially depressing conversation. I try and get her out in the garden as much as possible as she likes telling me about plants - I don't have a garden so happy to work on hers as it's a nice activity for me.

maybe you can find some tasks like that?

anything she takes an interest in, I nod along and take an interest. I have a passionate hatred of supermarkets and some days she would struggle to go alone, but I just go because it helps her.

obviously you will know what your boundaries are.

I felt exactly the same OP, I thought I’d failed. I had a couple of friends warn me that some people would act as though I hadn’t been bereaved and expect me only to look after mum, that definitely happened with her friends.

I also thought “how can I love my mum and find looking after her such a problem”. I also had to deal with the chaos of paper mountains dad left and the fact that mum had never even paid a bill herself. I said on here that I felt I’d been lumbered with the child I never wanted to have.

He died in October. Things are much better now, I think I hit crisis around March or April? Now I look back, I see it was a lot to cope with but at the time I thought I’d failed somehow. Now I’ve admitted to friends that dealing with my mother is actually much harder than losing my dad. I can now say that without guilt!

That said, I realise you might well be hit harder than I was. Dad was ill for ages so there was a lot of anticipatory grief. Also my worst bereavements were friends in their 20s, so in a bizarre way, as my best mate said, I was quite well prepared!

I really hope that things get better for you, I’ll keep the thread in watch

@Grace212 unfortunately it is pretty representative of the area of Hampshire my Mother in law is. I did look around independently and was quoted similar near her. I agree it's steep though and I'm in London too. I think the difficulty is when going through a company there is always a big uplift for their profit. Problem is unless you know people you don't really have any other option than going through a company.

Op www.homecare.co.uk was quite helpful - it has lots of companies / agencies with reviews. Also you can usually also verify people via the cqc website. Don't take social services advice as gospel - of the two live in care companies they recommended to me both had terrible government ratings on the cqc website.

testing so the general care rate is that much?

sorry to harp on but I am so confused. We are in London and that still seems really high.

OP I hope you are feeling less overwhelmed

@Grace212 I said we currently have live in care. we started with carers going in 4x per day for circa 9 months - arranged by social services but funded by my in-laws. Like I said, I've only referenced what we've experienced. I know how much was paid as I hold power of attorney and had to liaise with social services in the end and arrange for the invoices to be paid. Because it was arranged by social services we paid a "reduced" rate of £23.50ph (laughable), the paperwork received from the care company confirmed we would have paid almost double that had we not been under social services umbrella so to speak. I'm pleased other areas are much cheaper, but sadly that hasn't been our experience.

After my father in law died suddenly it became very obvious that would not be sufficient.

testing I thought you paid for a live-in carer rather than a home help?

OP I just thought, re your mum's comment that the people at the social event were old....I know my mum likes it when my friends drop round occasionally (with me). She just prefers talking to younger people. So if anyone can do that from your circle, it might help.

I know what a strain it is though, constantly trying to figure out what will help in this situation so I would understand if you don't feel like doing more of it.

@Beamur agreed but I was referring to what we've had to pay.

£20-£40 is a bit steep. Age UK in Shropshire were charging £15 per hour.
Home care in West Yorkshire cost us just under £16 per hour. Cleaner £12 per hour.

Lou, I ended up losing it at my mum and telling her how I felt that way - though tbh it might have been good because she might not have heard what I was saying if I had said it calmly.

you are obviously at an earlier stage in this than I am, and I think a lot of stuff, mum didn't really hear at the beginning because of the shock.

so don't be afraid to say how you feel, but be aware you might have to repeat yourself.

good that she is looking at a cleaner and gardener.

£20-40 per hour for a home help?! I seem to be in the wrong job.