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Elderly parents
Original poster

My Dad want to come home

30 replies

MereDintofPandiculation · 23/06/2019 09:10

After a sudden mental and physical decline, my father finally accepted care and meals on wheels to help him live at home, but even with 2-3 carer visits daily, district nurses and meals on wheels, he had pressure sores which wouldn't clear, messed up his meds and got oedema and ulcerated legs, was having frequent falls, and lost 2 stone in weight, culminating in nursing home entry in March.

He is now eating properly, has no oedema, no pressure sores, and hasn't fallen over. He said to me yesterday "I need to get out of this place and get back home".

I don't think he can be safely at his home without a burden on me that I'm not prepared to accept.

What I'm planning to do is to work out all the things that need to be in place for him to come home. Carer to get him up, carer to put him to bed (will have to be private as LA carers don't work after 10pm, and Dad is a night owl). Buy lots of clothes so I don't have to call round daily to collect washing. Meals on wheels. Someone to oversee medicines - not just the taking them, but to follow his routine of putting them out in a certain order and noting down each as he takes them. And so on.

Also things he himself needs to do - like walking around a lot more, actually taking himself to the toilet rather than peeing in a bottle in his room (because he can't safely carry full pee bottles to be emptied), generally up his mobility. Actually come out for a walk with me when I suggest it.

I don't think he'll make it. But it may be kinder to him to give him things to work towards than to say flatly "no, we can't keep you safe at home".

Any thoughts on this plan?

OP posts:
HappyHammy · 23/06/2019 15:23

He's feeling better because he has 24hr care which he wont get at home. You can come up with a detailed plan but carers might not be able to stick to it on 30min visits. Who will be with him when the carers are not there. I would ask for a care needs assessment first and see if he would be eligible for enablement. Do you have power of attorney and does he have the mental capacity to make decisions. If he is adamant he wants to go home all you can do is respect his wishes but would he be able to manage in supported housing instead.

fiftiesmum · 23/06/2019 15:18

We couldn't get carers later than seven pm ( turned out to be 5:30pm) or earlier than 10am (which in practice was after 11am) unless the person was a diabetic and that was private - the local authority used the same agency. The needs assessment will often say you need a double team even if you tell them you have been coping on your own before (and will have to do for emergencies and getting up and putting to bed).
Once in the home we did the " you can come home when your leg/arm/ears/eyes are better" which was so much better for her and us (rest of siblings object but if they want to take her to live with them it is fine by me)

thesandwich · 23/06/2019 14:58

dint it is so good to hear your df is improving.... but the support needed for him to be at home is overwhelming. Not sure any carers work later than 10. And live in care- still needs loads to be done.
As others have said, focus him on “ when you are better...”
it is still early days for him there... the place sounds good, by the way.
Really tough but the chance of his quality of life being better where he is for longer is in the home.

FinallyHere · 23/06/2019 09:47

Another vote for agreeing that "you will go home" here we are working on your mobility ... I'm very sorry but I do not think you really need to put too much effort into working out what would be required. Just don't try and tell him he can't or won't , keep with the line not just yet or as soon as

It's heartbreaking but true , that is how it is.

Desmondo2016 · 23/06/2019 09:22

I sympathise as we had exactly this with mil . It doesn't really sound attainable at all to get him home to be honest. Its likley.his health will keep on deteriorating and rapidly whatever is a suitable plan now will and up not being enough. In the end we kept telling mil that she WOULD go home, the doctor just needed to get her well enough again and kept that up until sadly, she died peacefully at the home. I wonder if mils dementia was slightly more advanced tho as she was in no way able for us yo even contemplate any alternatives to the home.

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