Sister has said she won’t help with our mum

Perhaps you wearing yourself out to help is why DM doesn't see a need for a care Home, or would she agree to this.
How would a Care Home be funded?
DSis would have to divulge bank statements etc

Tell the bank your mum’s debit card was stolen by your sister and get the account blocked. Then go through a solicitor and get power of attorney.

Your sister can choose not to be involved but that means she doesn't have any right to make decisions, stop taking your sister into account and do what's best for you, you must look after your own health, don't let this destroy you

Some people are swamped with guilt when supporting ageing relies.
Some put their own lives first.
You are the first, your sister is the latter.

Why did you let DSis decide DM can not go into a home.
There is no magic wand for fixing ageing, frailty and loss of faculties, no matter how much you do this fact won't change. Please look after yourself first and foremost.
I wonder,anyway, if she would be happier with the continuous care in a home than carers in and out all day.

Dont you need power of attorney to move someone into a home if they have no capacity to make that decision. I would ask for a g.p. assessment and.ask your sister and social services adult team to get involved in making a best interest decision.

This is bonkers
Your mum needs to go to a home
If your sister then offers to help, say no. Otherwise she will help for a week and then go back to doing nothing.

She has a right to do nothing but can’t then complain about homes!

In fairness though, these dynamics can paralyse people. OP, read up on FOG (fear/obligation/guilt) cos that's what you appear to be trapped by. But you can free yourself too.

I say this kindly, I really do, but you are not powerless to change things. You have chosen not to. That's fine. But it's your choice.

I agree with other posters. Your mum needs residential care, and you should arrange that and ignore your sister in order to protect your own health.

Absolutely fair enough that your sister doesn't want help out especially when she has other family commitments and as you say your DM was controlling. Absolutely not fine though that your sister gets to dictate what care is best for your mother though. That's not on in the slightest.

So your sister is effectively controlling your life from afar. How long are you going to let her do that?

Your mother needs residential care. It's not going to change your life as much as you hope, you may still feel at first you have to visit every day BUT after the first 3 or 4 months you will hopefully be in a place where you trust them and their routine where you can skip the odd day.

When my mother eventually had to go in, I still visited every day but an hour a day where I didn't have to actually fret about anything or organise anything or sort anything was infinitely better. It ended up being a fairly calm hour. My mental health was better as a result. And knowing that if something came up and I couldn't go for a day but she would be safe and well was a big factor too.

You have to switch around your thinking. Not that your sister is abandoning your mother's care, but that she's abandoning YOURS. She is betraying you.

You owe her nothing.

It could be months before a bed becomes available. Start the process again. Do NOT tell your sister until a bed is free. She will be much less likely to protest if you present it as "a bed has become available from next month, they are offering it to Mum and we are taking it. I can't go on, so it's either that or you take over."

Lots of care homes are lovely places that provide good care and reduce sense of isolation.

Does anyone have Lasting Power of Attorney for health and welfare? If not, it has to be a best interest decision and isn’t your sister’s decision to make.
You could ask local authority for IMCA involvement of ask for support from your mothers GP.

You need to speak to someone in social services elderly care and see if you can arrange some emergency respite for your mum - before you break and are unable to do anything.

They can also then assess what she would need in terms of ongoing care (but to be honest as others has said she's in need of full time care) and they'll assess how it can be paid for - bearing in mind if she is still in her own home it will have to be sold to fund the care etc.

If your sister, once again, says she can't bear the thought of your mother going in to a home then ask her when she'll be taking her to move in with her - because that's the only other option! I'm sure she'll change her mind.

You need to look after yourself especially if you are still trying to hold down a job

I would suggest a full assessment by the local authority. That part is free.
I think someone who is totally incontinent, bed bound and has dementia needs full time professional nursing care not four visits a day, to be honest. She might well be eligible for CHC funding.
It would allow you to be a daughter again and not a carer. You have to act in her best interests and a maximum of two hours care a day simply doesn’t sound enough for someone at high risk of pressure damage etc.

If your sister isn't going to help, she gets no say. Put your mum in a home where she can get the help she needs and look after your own health. I'm sorry you're going through this. X

The care is too great for your sister and now too great for you. There's no shame in getting help and getting the professionals in. And better that your sister isn't leading you on she's voiced her position. Absolutely no point trying to be the martyr I mean that in the nicest way. Get help asap and get your life back and your dm can also get the right care and you'll have more time for your sister and vice versa. Everyone wins.

It does sound like your mother may be more appropriately cared for in a care home. I suppose if she is not oriented to her surroundings then it may mean it is easier for her to accept.

You can still visit her in the care home - it is often a comfort for people even if recognition is not 100%. You sound like you have tried your hardest and I don’t think you would necessarily improve her quality of life by carrying on doing the jobs yourself. Better to spend quality time with her.

As for your sister, i don’t think she can be forced, but I don’t think she has any grounds to object either. The alternative is that she could help out (although I’m not sure this would be enough to outweigh going into care - as perhaps her visiting your DM in the home may be more beneficial).

Does anyone have power of attorney and would your mum understand about what care she needs. Who currently pays the bills and makes decisions for.your mum.

At this point you need to do what is right for you and your household.

Pick a nice care home and spend the time with your mum visiting and enjoying her rather than doing the heavy work.

I understand your sisters point of view. I wouldnt be keen to take on something im not willing to commit to long term

You can't force your sister to get involved, and ultimately the care burden is too much for you to manage alone. I think you'll have to accept that your mother needs to be in a nursing home, and your sister has no right to argue unless she's going to look after her.

Nursing homes aren't all bad you know, my dad is in a lovely one and is very content. He's getting much better care than was possible at home.

I can't bear thinking of my sister. I feel she's toxic for me. So much happened and she was never there. She flew in and out for the funeral. I cleared everything myself.
What's done done.
Try to look after yourself, although I know that's hard.

you cannot cope anymore so from your perspective its time

if your sister cant leave with it she knows what the choice is

Do you think your sister had your mums best interests at heart when she declared she shouldn’t be put into a care home or was she trying to protect an inheritance? 😬