Worried, guilty, helpless. What to do?

29 replies

orenisthenewblack · 09/06/2019 09:10

So, parents live an hour and a half away. DF 80, fit and healthy but getting older every time I see him. Still drives but car on its last legs so he will not be buying a new one. DM 72, recovered well from stroke 10 yrs ago but suffers memory and mobility problems because of it. On top of that, she has arthritis, osteoporosis in her back and constantly in pain.
They rarely complain on the phone because there are 'many more worse that them'.

I spent two weeks with them on holiday recently and realised how much my DF does for DM. It was an eye opener to see how everyday is for both of them.

DM confessed to me on the phone that she is having a flare up this week and has not been able to shower since coming home from holiday.

She desperately wants to clean the house but can't - she says house hasn't been dusted for four weeks. (She hates this)

I'm aware that she has my DF help her dress, do her hair etc. She's recently had an urine infection which meant she couldn't get to the toilet in time.

She can only walk a fee meters before having to stop. She refuses a stick, zimmer, wheelchair and mobility scooter.

They live in their own 3 bed house with gorgeous views and would hate to move. I'm unsure how much money they have, they have enough for a holiday, but not to have the heating on around the clock - not flush with cash but comfortable perhaps. DF is quite frugal.

So here I am, living in another county, wondering what can I do to help without offending them. I'd love to be able to pay for a cleaner for them but they would hate it.

I feel very frustrated and useless. I suppose I'm asking advice before things get any worse. I'm clueless.

OP posts:

junebirthdaygirl · 09/06/2019 18:25

I agree with CMO ..strong words are needed. My diss is a nurse and another sister works in a medical field. I was a bit shocked at how sternly they spoke to dm about using walking frame/ getting home help etc. They laid it on the line. You want to stay at home this is how it's going to be. But as time went on l saw they were right and dm adjusted to the changes, reluctantly at first but got quite reliant on her home help. And lived at home until the end thanks to those aids.
Get a home help package. I am in lreland so not familiar with your systems but would think at that age and those needs they will get help. They will fight it but put your foot down as it's for their own good.

CMOTDibbler · 09/06/2019 18:16

I agree with Sandwich - my parents didn't want to use a scooter, have a cleaner, use the hospital transport, pay for a taxi - they would much rather have had me do things. But I could not do that without a massive impact on my own family, and more importantly it was not going to be sustainable long term.
8 years on from the first care, they are still in their own home. It hasn't been easy, and I've had to have strong words at times - but there comes a point where they have to choose between pride and frugality and what they actually need

thesandwich · 09/06/2019 18:08

Oren, sorry to be blunt, it isnt what you need to do, what you need to do is get systems in place to support them to live At home as they long as they can.
Seek some advice from age uk about attendance allowance, non means tested payments of £60 ish or more which could pay for cleaners, etc.
Get a social services assessment of needs which could lead to adaptations for their house etc and what help they need and if they are eligible for funding. Savings less than £23k . Other help may be available.
This is the best way to help, and remain their daughter, not carer.
Also consider power of attourney.

Original poster

orenisthenewblack · 09/06/2019 11:30

Just been for a walk and I know what I need to do. I need to go to theirs once a week to do the bed change and cleaning etc.

What I don't want to do is to give up one day off to do this. I hate doing my own chores on a weekend. Sound selfish and horrible doesn't it.

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