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Elderly parents
Original poster

Very suddenly found myself needing this forum.

34 replies

SilverDragonfly1 · 07/05/2019 11:17

My FIL has dementia. My MIL has been covering it up for about 2 years. They don't live close by and MIL and DH both have an inherited condition that causes severe visual impairment, so neither of them drive and nor do I as we've never been able to afford it. So we haven't seen them for about 18 months, though MIL made a few plans to visit (with FIL driving) but cancelled each time because he was unwell. It's one of those things that's obvious in retrospect, but as it was gradual it just became 'normal' that they didn't visit. They did used to live very close to us, but moved while they were still in good health. MIL called every week and we called her, she seemed fine.

Four weeks ago, he went out in the car and vanished. We found out when MIL called to see if he was with us. He was found after about 12 hours, having had a minor but head on collision with another car in a town 120 miles away. He got some fractured ribs, thankfully no one else hurt and insurance have already paid out. After a night in hospital he came home.

Two weeks ago my brother in law phoned to say he was with Mum as she was suicidal after being kept awake for days on end by FIL getting in and out of bed and waking her. He didn't know why his chest hurt and had no memory of the accident. It seems to have accelerated his condition, which was already much worse than we had been told. He was taken into hospital that day and moved to a temp care home from there.

Because I have a degree and read books, I've always been the family's go-to person (they have actually lived their lives rather than reading about it- there's also a strong family history of dyslexia). Now I've gone from 'things are jogging along fine' to constant phone calls from MIL and BIL asking me about things, keeping me up to date and needing emotional reassurance. FIL is not eating in the home and was down to 2 weetabix a day long before he went there. MIL is distraught that he might die from not eating (which I see from other threads here is a common problem- not eating, not dying!). I've had to send emails to her doctor, find out about different meds, find out about dementia and care home policies, the works. No chance husband can do any of that as he is autistic as well and simply can't stay calm and rational in this situation.

I'm going up there on the train on Friday to see MIL and hopefully FIL as it is very difficult to do everything from miles away and with a MIL who's not able to read things any more.

I think this is more of a vent-type post (except I'm not angry) rather than having questions. I have Clinical Depression myself, and it has already been a very hard 12 months. I was just relaxing a bit and boom! I love my in laws, have always called them Mum and Dad but I can't get upset right now because I need to be the strong one.

OP posts:
Original poster
SilverDragonfly1 · 11/05/2019 11:00

Okay, I have good news and bad news... Dad has started eating and mobilising again after being given antibiotics and steroids for his chest infection! He went and sat in the tv room with some other residents yesterday and was able to talk to Mum briefly on the phone- he knew where she was but was lost when she mentioned having workmen in at their flat- he just said 'where's that?'

The home is lovely but it is a temp placement and social services are... not lovely. They've already told mum they won't take her disabilities (severe visual impairment and effects of a stroke) into account when deciding where to place him, so she's worried she won't be able to see him regularly. In addition, the home where he is most likely to be sent while having a very good inspection report, is actually not very good and her friend's husband is already there. Friend regularly finds her husband sitting in his own mess when she visits and is not happy at all.

So, any advice about mum's rights to be able to see him and so on, very helpful!

OP posts:
Weenurse · 08/05/2019 11:43

So sorry your family is going through this 💐

Original poster
SilverDragonfly1 · 08/05/2019 11:36

Thank you.

The home called my MIL yesterday asking permission/ informing her about a DNR. BIL saw him yesterday and apparently he is almost unrecognisable. So it sounds like the home think he won't last long.

OP posts:
NewspaperTaxis · 07/05/2019 16:42

Forticreme is good because it's like yoghurt but is packed with vitamins and goodness, failing that fortijuice.

Try having a small fridge in his room, as it makes all the difference having this stuff to hand, and at a cool temperature.

Lipton's Peach Tea was always good for my mother, as it was not too acidic, but it did come out of the fridge in her room (and left a bit, for the chill to go).

If you can get him using a straw, that is a turning point. You can get 300m down in one sitting then. Of course, a small water bottle you take with you on the Tube just in case is 500ml, for some perspective.

Original poster
SilverDragonfly1 · 07/05/2019 15:28

He has had massive trouble with low sodium levels before, I think the first episode triggered all this- that was about 5 years ago. Good idea, I will suggest testing for that. As he isn't eating (1 strawberry and a bit of a small pot of ice cream yesterday) everything must be out of whack now and I think if they can get him properly hydrated and fed he would improve a bit, though not to a level that would get him back home. But they aren't able to force him to eat (thankfully!) and can only encourage him, which they do.

OP posts:
NewspaperTaxis · 07/05/2019 12:43

Well, get him a sight test at some point to check he doesn't need a cataracts operation. That might have been the reason for the crash, but of course being over a hundred miles away in the car doesn't augur well.

Secondly, run tests to check for low sodium levels or a urinary tract infection, which can cause dementia-type symptoms.

Third, see if you can swing LPA in Health and Welfare for him, either giving it to you or trusted family member, if that's workable (it doesn't frankly sound it if he's really gone, then again getting in a car and going places means he does actually have some wherewithal).

Fourth, daily folic acid pills might help for the depression. Stay off filter coffee.

Original poster
SilverDragonfly1 · 07/05/2019 12:36

The car was written off and he won't be going back home now- he is in a care home for the duration. I can't believe he was still driving. I would have been onto the DVLA in a heartbeat if I'd known. He could have killed people!

Thank you for the ideas both of you, and for the number. I will try and get time to call them this week and will look at the linked thread.

OP posts:
Birdie6 · 07/05/2019 12:29

Sorry you've been catapulted into this situation, OP. Your inlaws really need some intervention.

I've no doubt that your FIL's dementia has accelerated since the accident - no wonder your MIL is feeling so stressed. I'd suggest that you make an appointment to take them both to see their GP while you are there this week. There is help available for them both, but he'll need to be assessed before anything can happen.

He certainly shouldn't be driving any more - you'll need to bite the bullet and make the car keys "disappear" permanently. To be brutally honest, he could have killed someone else in that accident, or himself. This can't be negotiable - get the keys and / or the car itself and make them disappear.

Before you go on Friday, call Dementia UK on 0800 888 6678 - they can give you lots of support and information.

Best wishes to you - It won't be easy but there is help out there for you.

TheSandgroper · 07/05/2019 12:15

I have been trawling the Elderly Parents and Dementia threads lately (might come in useful one day) and came across this www.mumsnet.com/Talk/dementia/2581273-Parents-with-dementia-where-do-I-start which I will be using as a template for each member of the family seeing as I am the only girl.

I have already bought an envelope for everyone and put a couple sheets of paper in. Next is to create and print a template to put in each file. If ever I get a phone call about someone, I only have to grab the file and head off, organised.

Good luck. It seems lots of people on here have great stores of strength to share with you.