Page 6 | The second new shiny 2019 thread ...

MereDintofPandiculation · 2019-03-14T21:28:52+00:00

... for anyone caring for elderly parents. Come and join us to ask for, or to give, sympathy, ask for advice, or have a good rant.

RosaWaiting · 27/07/2019 16:43

nota apologies if everything I say is drivel

Are you in that headspace where you want to stay within a distance that means you can help? If so, I totally get it and your DH and DD should really respect that. DH webcam suggestion is useless. I would get someone for errands and gardening though and save yourself for emergencies or a weekly visit etc. I can’t recall how much you see your mum now?

Adult DD moving with you? Shouldn’t she be helping rather criticising?

I agree, you are fighting on a lot of fronts.

thesandwich · 27/07/2019 16:41

nota sorry to hear things are so tough. Wise words from dint

Echo doing what only you can do. Does she get attendance allowance?
Could that cover a gardener?
Who is supporting you? Sorry your dd isn’t being more understanding.
cockroach all.

Original poster

MereDintofPandiculation · 27/07/2019 16:32

Ah, cross post.

When pressed on the radical solution, he suggested a web cam so that I could check on DM at a distance. Totally missing the point that what she needs is the support of me being able to run errands, do the garden etc. Could you afford a gardener and someone to do errands? Save yourself for the management role, keeping everything running and helping DM make decisions? Don't do jobs because you can do them, do them because no-one else can.

OP posts:

Original poster

MereDintofPandiculation · 27/07/2019 16:29

nota I'm trying to think back to what I did for meds when DF was living at home. Before I took over he was getting them delivered by the pharmacy, but the combination of not hearing the doorbell, being too slow to the door, and, above all, leaving it too late to re-order meant chaos - lots of what you're experiencing, sweet-talking emergency scripts and collecting from pharmacies at inconvenient times. So I took over everything, ordered meds when he still had 2-4 weeks' supply so I could pick up on my way to visit, and I kept a spreadsheet which predicted when they'd run out. Meds are something it's difficult to get carers to do.

What care is your DM getting at the moment? Is it arranged by SS or is it all arranged by you? If it's SS, an hour and a half away is more than enough reason to say "I can't visit, it's your problem" (and just make sure your visits are timed so they don't realise you're visiting as often as you are).

Maybe DH is thinking along the lines of sell her house and get a house with granny annexe - ie bring her closer to you.

Sorry, none of this is helpful - as you say, you need a more supportive family. At the moment you're fighting on all fronts. Just one of "elderly DM" "DS having problems" "move house" is enough to be coping with, let alone all three.

OP posts:

notaflyingmonkey · 27/07/2019 16:22

When pressed on the radical solution, he suggested a web cam so that I could check on DM at a distance. Totally missing the point that what she needs is the support of me being able to run errands, do the garden etc.

DD is 21 and has no idea about the faff that buying and selling a house entails, and seems to think I should have done it all already, preferably moving us to a chi chi little part of London where she can have her own loft as she has little understanding of what my salary makes affordable.

I've been decluttering since 10am and can hardly move. Can someone pass me a gin please?

RosaWaiting · 27/07/2019 15:17

nota presume he means ask your DM to go in a home?

Why is DD being a pain?

notaflyingmonkey · 27/07/2019 09:43

We are having to move house, as we need to leave the area for a fresh start for DS. However, the rest of my family aren't taking into account my caring responsibilities towards DM. Just this week I had to be at her chemist for 8.30am on Monday, drop the meds at hers and then get to work. Just not possible if I'm an hour and a half's drive away. DH keeps saying that I need a radical solution. I'm buggered if I have a clue what that means, as frankly what I need is a family who take my reality into consideration. DD in particular has been such a bitch to me. Trying to make an impossible situation work for me in my head has been causing me so much stress so I am going to regroup and insist that the new place is within what I deem to be a reasonable travel time to DM.

Original poster

MereDintofPandiculation · 27/07/2019 09:34

dint was he ok up until then, ie reasonably ok with being there? I think he's as OK as he can be about being there, it's in the nature of the family to set the world to rights - we'd sit around in our caravan on holiday and redesign it from top to bottom. I'm not sure e's accepted it, but his comments about "I must get out of here" have moderated to "I must get home for a day because I can find things more easily than you can".

nora yes, a good solicitor should be able to make sense of any documents you have, and how the ownerships would be treated in law. There's also a grouping of solicitors specially qualified in dealing with affairs of the elderly - that would be an added bonus.

DS2 last night said re DH and me "... but you two are cool ...". I think he's getting middle-aged before his time. (But I can't help feeling flattered)

OP posts:

yolofish · 27/07/2019 00:13

nora that sounds very complicated, is there any paperwork at home you could look at to try and clarify?

dint was he ok up until then, ie reasonably ok with being there?

Just back from the wedding of an Irish cousin. Tons of relatives by various degrees of marriage, but my five first cousins there are some of my favourite people, three of them managed to get to DM's funeral, so it was lovely to see them all on a happy day rather than a sad one. (For the non-Irish: degree of cousinhood appears to be an obsession, whether 1st, twice or umpteen times removed!) Left the DDs there partying hard as had to get home for the dog, they've managed to snag a hotel room so I assume will turn up sometime tomorrow - although DD2 has already messaged work to say she is stuck in London and cant make work at 11am tomorrow!

thesandwich · 26/07/2019 17:38

dint does he seem to accept he must stay there ? It must be hard to visit and hear the complaints. How are you doing?

Original poster

MereDintofPandiculation · 26/07/2019 15:46

Went to see DF today. He spent the time criticising every aspect of the care home, from the management ethos to the temperature of the carrots. It seems someone said to him this morning "we're a bit confused this morning, aren't we?" No wonder he was grumpy!

OP posts:

flamingnoravera · 26/07/2019 09:24

Hello all. I visited mum yesterday to see a procession of carers, AgeUk and drs. A care plan has been put in place for both my mum and her husband with private carers- however mums husband is now becoming very awkward over money. They have purchased and still own two properties together with each contributing different amounts of capital- the husband now wants mum to pay for all his care because "I bought the house"- this is becoming difficult to manage and I wonder if anyone knows if a solicitor would be able to help get to the bottom of who has paid what and any settlements they need to make to each other to sort out equity?

notaflyingmonkey · 26/07/2019 07:11

I need to chase the agency up today Yolo, I'm working from home today so intend to start and finish early so that I can get some chores like that done.

Had DD's graduation ceremony yesterday - suited and booted in central London where it was officially hotter than hell.

RosaWaiting · 26/07/2019 01:10

yolo what I wouldn’t give to be near the sea!

It’s good about mum really. She’s feeling better though we still don’t have scans back. My sister says “if you were 80, you wouldn’t think it was old either”.

I don’t say that I hope not to be 80

yolofish · 26/07/2019 00:32

It is officially Too Bloody Hot. Went in the sea with Ddog today, but realised I am better off swimming on my own as it freaks her out a bit if I am in over knee height. Every time I swam she swam out with me to get her ball, and then went all the way back to the edge so I had to wade out again - I always wear a tshirt for sun protection so was exhibiting a fat wet tshirt look to all and sundry. Next time I will go on my own for a proper swim and then take her later!!

nota any luck with the new agency?

rosa my DM always used to say that other people were so OLD!

cockroach all

RosaWaiting · 24/07/2019 23:50

I called my mother and announced I was checking on the elderly
She thought it was hilarious!

thesandwich · 24/07/2019 21:48

Hope everyone and your elderlies are coping in the heat.
cockroach all.

RosaWaiting · 22/07/2019 11:22

nota I was wondering that, the fact of them not calling would bother me as well. How did your mum feel about it?

notaflyingmonkey · 22/07/2019 10:56

It's not the fact they didn't change the bulb Dint, but the fact they left her like that with no lights apart from a candle and didn't think to call me.

Original poster

MereDintofPandiculation · 22/07/2019 10:27

I can understand that a carer wouldn't want to reset a fuse. They're not qualified to do electrical stuff, a decision has to be made as to whether this is a simple one-off (a bulb blown) so it's safe to re-set, or whether the fuse has blown to protect people - eg water in the electrics - so definitely shouldn't be re-set. If you make the wrong decision, you've just made a mistake, if they do, they're in a position of care and responsibility, and they could be held legally liable.

I'd suggest getting hold of some battery run LED lights for emergency lighting. You can also get lights that plug into sockets and only come on when the power has gone off.

OP posts:

notaflyingmonkey · 21/07/2019 19:16

I'm fine thanks both. I had already sent a sternly worded email last night after the meds fiasco, at the foot of which I asked to be reminded of our notice period. I'd looked at another agency earlier in the year which also takes the oldies to appointments, shopping, etc. It's more money, but I think work investigating so that I don't have to use up my leave for that sort of thing. I have emailed them to set up a meeting.

yolofish · 21/07/2019 15:22

nota that's awful. can you kick ass with someone today?? thing is, you cant really change agency unless you have another one lined up to take over with immediate effect (sorry...). take care of yourself xx

thesandwich · 21/07/2019 12:18

nota that sounds rubbish. Are you ok?

notaflyingmonkey · 21/07/2019 12:08

Got to my mum's this morning to find a bulb had blown and knocked out the fuse. Note from last night's carer said that the house was in darkness but that mum had a candle. She's 90 FFS. So I changed the bulb and reset the fuse by pressing a button. Took 2 mins. I am now determined to change the agency asap. Mum also can't remember where she'd hidden her bank card. But I could only take so much drama in one visit, so will leave that one for another time.

Original poster

MereDintofPandiculation · 21/07/2019 09:02

waiting for the figs. I avert my eyes from the figs. I always have a feeling that acknowledging the presence of fruit is inviting disaster. At most one of us may remark to the other "the fig looks as if it has a bad infestation of galls"

OP posts: