The second new shiny 2019 thread ...

Social services are not interested, they say as she's self funding it's down to me to sort out supervision. I spoke to the occ therapist yesterday she said that the place where mum got lost is a difficult place to navigate and that this incident shouldn't be taken as an immediate prompt for resi care.

I'm going to visit on Saturday with brothers Grimm and my aunt - a big conversation with them all is to happen.

Brothers Grimm took the car away (without telling me) on Monday apparently their dad paid for it but mum was registered keeper- so I've cancelled the insurance today and not told them. I'll tell them to get mum off the V5 on Saturday.

nota good grief. Can your DB encourage her to move nearer to him?

also, whatever the GP says, can you tell your mum you are very ill and she should move to DB?!

sandwich sorry to hear that. I suppose it's the "detach" thing.

my mum is feeling much better but I am still wondering when the next problem is. Well, I don't sit around wondering, but it's hard to remove it from the back of your mind.

🌺🌺🌺nota sounds really tough. Glad you are seeing gp. You must be exhausted.

Well hopefully this will make you all laugh. DM said that DB had asked her to move down near him. She said to me that she wouldn't want to be a burden on him, she'd much prefer being a burden on me.

We are still looking at where to move to, the problem being that I reckon I need to be within an hour's drive of DM, but we just can't afford anywhere decent in that area. So now looking further afield, which will mean more like 1.5 hours of driving each way, at least one day a week. The care agency I wanted to move her care to appears to be somewhat flaky as they haven't returned my calls.

I am having to book time off work to try and deal with at least some of these things as I seem to be utterly exhausted these days and am in bed by 9pm most nights (I have booked a GP appointment for myself as I know that's not right).

Sigh. Cockroaches all.

yolo good to hear so far- you must all be absolutely wrung out by it all.
nora hope you find gp useful.
nota how’s things?
Here dm is struggling with breathlessness- gp has visited( excellent) but dm won’t increase meds and seems to take more notice of her lovely cleaners medical advice than gp........l makes it v hard to get her out at all which makes her more miserable.....

thanks for asking nota. Its all as good as it could be, cancer free according to surgeon this morning, more bloods done for cancer markers today but would be very unlucky if any shows up. I remembered (or had previously not chosen to say) that my maternal uncle died of bowel cancer, so we are being referred to a genetics clinic which hopefully means the DDs will get tested earlier. its weird though, having the sword of damocles removed is not as ecstatic a feeling as you would have thought? too much of a 14 months I guess...

nora I think you've got to get SS involved, you really cant (or be expected to) handle all this from 2 hours away xx

I appear to have lost the ability to use capitals with any kind of consistency - sorry! and cockroach everyone

Any news on your DH Yolo?

I feel for you Nora, this may not be a crisis of epic proportions, but it is a crisis. Hopefully your GP will be able to help - if your DM is anything like mine she will listen to someone in authority over me, so if the conclusion the GP comes to is resi car...

Keeping all the plates spinning is exhausting. Plus having a job of work to do etc.

Cockroach all.

I'm going to call the doctor in the morning, ask him to do a home visit and assess how much capacity mum has to decide where she is safest. He has been brilliant so far.

Brothers Grimm can have all the opinions they like, but it doesn’t matter.

I think a home sounds the best option.

nora great advice from yolo to contact social services. You can’t do this from 2 hours away.

hmm. I dont think the brothers Grimm, or indeed her husband, have much to do with what needs to happen at this stage. I know its late, but our local ss has an emergency line for out of hours - what if you called them and said its an emergency, that you can no longer be sure your DM is safe, you are 2 hours away and have a full time job?

The carers are private- but I am not sure what upping their hours would do- they would have nothing to do but "supervise" and she would get really angry about that.

The befriending service that Age UK have sounds great but I have no time to start it up despite having been sent information- to get it going or explain to mum what its about- she was told about it when the Age UK woman came to visit but has forgotten and it relies on me making all the contacts and I am at work and cannot do this in daytime hours. This is why I think that resi care is the best option.

After I told the Brothers Grimm about the situation today one of them agreed that resi care is looks essential, the other told me not to "Get excited" because his dad will be going to a hospice for his resi care. I am not excited I am at the end of my rope and desperate to get a safe place for her. But I feel like decisions for my mum are all dependent on their dad's care not on what she needs. Brother 2 has a partner who is a nurse and she cals the "I am a nurse I know best" card and I feel powerless to advocate for my mum properly.

I can have quite lucid and sensible conversations with mum in the moment but they are forgotten immediately and she keeps requesting I repeat the whole convo to her husband who cannot hear me and cannot or will not grasp that mums needs need to be addressed because she has been the carer for nearly 20 years.

nora I feel for you. could you make a crisis call to her local social services first thing tomorrow and explain the situation? fact is, you are 2 hours away so with the best will in the world you arent able to provide on the spot support. Are the carers private? if so, if she can afford it you could up their hours.. otherwise I guess its get on the phone to ss, the gp etc and demand some action. I am so sorry, this must be so stressful for you.

I have talked to Age Uk but I get leaflets and more leaflets and I have no time to be able to set up the stuff they suggest because I have to keep my home going here. I bought her a bracelet with her details on and put it somewhere while I was on holiday and promptly lost it - I will get a new one made up. But I am not sure a tracking device will help when I am two hours away. I just feel so overwhelmed by it all, a bit of me wishes for a real crisis that would force a decision but I feel guilty when I even allow this thought to cross my mind.

Bloody site is mad today! Sorry about the multiple posts.

yolo I'm not sure what the carers can do, they come in and do their stuff but then they leave and she gets a bee in her bonnet about something and takes herself off to sort out a fictional problem. Her husband sleeps 18 hours a day and can't stop her. My aunt lives nearby but she's coping with end of life care for her own husband so asking her is unfair. I feel caught betwixt a rock and a hard place.

yolo I'm not sure what the carers can do, they come in and do their stuff but then they leave and she gets a bee in her bonnet about something and takes herself off to sort out a fictional problem. Her husband sleeps 18 hours a day and can't stop her. My aunt lives nearby but she's coping with end of life care for her own husband so asking her is unfair. I feel caught betwixt a rock and a hard place.

yolo I'm not sure what the carers can do, they come in and do their stuff but then they leave and she gets a bee in her bonnet about something and takes herself off to sort out a fictional problem. Her husband sleeps 18 hours a day and can't stop her. My aunt lives nearby but she's coping with end of life care for her own husband so asking her is unfair. I feel caught betwixt a rock and a hard place.

Oh nora I’m so sorry. Could age uk offer any advice or support? Or local social services? Does she have a tracker thing? Unforgettable do lots of products that help dementia sufferers.
Sending 🌺🌺🌺🍷🍷🍷

oh shit nora I am so sorry to hear this... do you have people near by who could help? could you talk to the care agency asap? I really dont know what to suggest but am sure someone will be along soon with some good ideas. In the meantime, deep breaths and

I started the new job and at 11 got a call from the police to say mum had got lost in the village and had to be taken home. This is the first instance of her getting lost, but I'm now scared that she can't be safely looked after at home (2x care visits per day morning and evening) as she may wander and get lost. I'm moving closer to having to persuade her that residential is the only way to keep her safe. How do we decide it's time? I'm nearly two hours away from her, I can't keep her safe from here.

good luck nora hope it is all onwards and upwards now.
good for the break dint and thanks for asking sandwich.
I am kind of having a break from real life at the moment, not doing anything I dont have to do, and trying to sort out the chaos laughingly described as my house. Bloody hoarders the lot of them!
Finaly got probate on mum's house, so am hoping to be a woman of means fairly soon (not for long as this house needs dire amounts of work, but should put us in a better position should we decide to sell). Seeing DH surgeon tomorrow so hopefully that will all be good although he is still uncomfortable and get s very tired.