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Elderly parents

The second new shiny 2019 thread ...

961 replies

MereDintofPandiculation · 14/03/2019 21:28

... for anyone caring for elderly parents. Come and join us to ask for, or to give, sympathy, ask for advice, or have a good rant.

OP posts:
MereDintofPandiculation · 19/03/2019 22:27

trying to sort out LPA. Bit confused how it helps with things like council tax. Do you just keep sending the document, or certified copy, to various institutions? Also what happens after that, if we use council tax as an example, does that mean they will only deal with me and not mum?

Basically, you show the LPA document to every bank and building society, they photocopy, and thereafter will deal with you. My solicitor advised not to try both of us dealing with the same bank "they get confused" - but that was 10 years ago, they may be a bit better now.

Council tax I haven't had a problem - I said who I was, who I was phoning on behalf of, and they were happy to talk to me. I'd be inclined, wherever possible, to simply get your mother to sign a letter authorising the institution to talk to you. Often, all you need, is to have her in the same room as you to authorise them over the phone to talk to you - that works with HMRC, for example. But a letter to be added to her file works better if you anticipate frequent phone calls.

GP required a letter and now will talk to me about my father and has given my on-line access to his medical records. They didn't need to see the LPA - which in any case would have been pointless as it's the Health and Welfare one which is relevant, and that can't be activated until the person has lost capacity.

So in summary

I don't post certified copies - too precious to lose
I use LPA for financial institutions where my father wants me to take complete control
Wherever possible I use authorisation (by phone or letter) from my father rather than LPA.

OP posts:
MintyCedric · 19/03/2019 22:21

cockroach?

thesandwich · 19/03/2019 21:36

yolo and everyone cockroach 🍷🍷

yolofish · 19/03/2019 20:50

Dear all, I am so sorry for those of you struggling - and it sounds like there are lots of us. sorry, am so knackered, cant make sense of shit tonight. but I send you all much love, Flowers Cake Gin etc, and of course cockroach to all of you.

Grace212 · 19/03/2019 18:37

Flowers to all having a rough time

trying to sort out LPA. Bit confused how it helps with things like council tax. Do you just keep sending the document, or certified copy, to various institutions? Also what happens after that, if we use council tax as an example, does that mean they will only deal with me and not mum?

I'm sure a poster here mentioned something about emailing Power of Attorney to a GP - so I'm guessing that means they scanned it in and emailed it? Is that considered acceptable? It won't always be possible to turn up in person with the document so I just wondered about the practicalities. Thanks.

MintyCedric · 19/03/2019 13:20

I tend to just buy myself a bottle of wine on a Friday evening for the weekend rather than having anything stock.

That said I'm doing a monthly shop on Friday for the first time in years in case it all goes to shit with Brexit so have includes a months supply of sauv blanc and Gordon's pink gin.

Based on today I suspected 4 bottles and 10 cans might be a bit optimistic Blush Confused

whatever45 · 19/03/2019 13:03

Thanks Minty couldn't have said it better myself! Hope consultant appointment goes ok this afternoon. I appear to have accumulated rather a selection of different gins ( family actually refer to it as the gin fridge) so plenty here if needed . Actually what else is a fridge for anyway ?

thesandwich · 19/03/2019 12:45

Ooops double posted!

thesandwich · 19/03/2019 12:45

So sorry thigh 🧁🧁🎂🎂🍩🍩

MintyCedric · 19/03/2019 12:42

(((Hugs))) whatever

...from one open plan reception/office dweller to another. Makes going to work spectacularly shit when you're going it through stuff in a goldfish bowl.

whatever45 · 19/03/2019 12:17

Happy Birthday thigh! We will all eat cake in celebration . 🧁
Goodness me no one could possibly imagine all the dramas on this thread. If only there was a way to help prepare the future generations for this stage of life.
Well I've admitted defeat. Have come home from work as tearful outbursts are really not the done thing on our reception desk. Just all seems a bit dramatic as quite honestly I'm just tired and this isn't the best example to set to my staff team. Financially not a good move either as I won't get paid when off. Tea and cake it is. Trying to stay off the gin.

MintyCedric · 19/03/2019 11:56

Happy birthday thigh. Sorry your plans didn't work out, hope you manage to get your chocolate and Netflix day soon Flowers.

I've just had mum on the phone. District nurse has been out to do dad's warfarin bloods this morning. She weighed him and he's now down to 9st 2lb fully clothed from about 11/4 prior to his fall in January.

Carer has managed to get him downstairs but he's been struggling to even stand for the last couple of days so unable to do any physio. He appetite is tiny and his lack of mobility on top is obviously causing muscle wastage.

Meanwhile mum has consultant appt this afternoon re a growth on her toe which has been tested to see if it's a malignant melanoma.

According to mum he said at initial consultation that if it is she may have to have her foot amputated. Now, mum is very hard of hearing and prone to dramatics when it comes to anything medical, but given that she's also diabetic and her feet are constantly like balloons, I can't help but wondering what kind of blow fate is going to deal us next.

Perhaps I should get some gin in for later...

MereDintofPandiculation · 19/03/2019 10:29

Oh, thigh, that's dreadful. You need an Official Birthday as well. If you can manage it, a night away, so that no-one can contact you. If you get the right place, you can still spend the evening in scented baths and chocolate comas. Otherwise you have to pretend you're not available, don't answer the phone (put it on silent else your nerve will crack), draw all your curtains, just be "not there". And hope your boys don't blab.

OP posts:
Iamdanish · 19/03/2019 10:17

thigh Happy birthday 🇩🇰🧁🍫🎉

Guess your mother brought your dad as some sort of present 😕. Really, really hope you get to celebrate soon.

thesandwich · 19/03/2019 10:15

Oh thigh I’m sorry.Happy birthday to yoooooooo!!🧁🧁🍩🍩🧁🧁🍰🍰🍰🍫🍫🍫

pineapplebryanbrown · 19/03/2019 09:50

I'll take cake Grace!

Grace212 · 19/03/2019 08:24

thigh oh dear

well, many happy returns from us Cake

there's no Krispy Kreme emoji!

pineapplebryanbrown · 19/03/2019 00:27

Grinch where's my Krispy Kremes? (2)

Well it was my birthday 🎂 and i was 50, i don't look a day over 90. I had my day planned, i had all my bubble bath and chocolates gathered and had decided to have a lovely day alternating between scented baths and chocolate comas/pre-diabetic naps. I had told the boys we would be netflixing and i was in charge. I had a Tom Berenger fest planned.

No, my birthday was cancelled. Mum decided she was tired, so tired that she would be dropping Dad off for me to bath then look after for the whole day. She stayed long enough to eat my last piece of birthday cake, that i baked myself.

Grinchly · 18/03/2019 21:43

Oh and hello Thigh I knew I had seen you elsewhere !
Rrrrrrroooooaaaarrrrr

Grinchly · 18/03/2019 13:49

Hello All Grin

I need to vent! Mother has advancing dementia and was ringing the neighbours repeatedly multiple times a day to help her with the TV remote, microwave etc, to the extent he got really annoyed and told her not to call again. He's elderly himself and cares for his own wife so I don't blame him.

Anyway thinking I'd calm the situation with next door and make things easier for her, Hmm I got her a dementia friendly remote control - on/off, up/down. That's it.

She just can't get her head round it, despite being shown multiple times and even has written instructions. Despite this she has managed to get into the hidden keypad, and lock various settings.

She's also called the neighbour again. Her carer has been on the phone to me today about it all. She's going to set her old one up again and hope that works. If not it's a TV repair call out.

It's like being responsible for a gigantic toddler!

Cockroaches all.

notaflyingmonkey · 18/03/2019 07:54

NaToth that is a staggering level of denial towards their mother. Do they really accept that 10 years without a bath is normal, or in any way giving her dignity? Surely they could look at adapting her home to allow her to live independently with dignity - like fit a walk in shower. But, having said that, you aren't responsible for her. What does your DH think?

Charley50 · 17/03/2019 22:57

Hi all.. thanks for the welcome to the Hotel California messages! .... errr great to be here? Hmm
It's already been around twelve years of DM becoming more and reliant on us... Re: the sibling thing: he helps out, and actually has recently moved in with her, but we don't get on, and have very different views on how to do things regarding her care. Plus he is very aggressive towards me if I disagree with him, so I feel uncomfortable being at my DM's while he's there.

NaToth · 17/03/2019 21:35

Shiny new thread - lovely. Still lurking here. MIL with mixed dementia no longer knows me and appears unsure about DH, but somehow she is still carrying on at home with one paid care visit a week and two visits from SIL, who appears to have a learning disability. GP says she still has capacity ...

MIL has not had a bath for nearly ten years, has not been outside the house for four and is still refusing all help and support. Her D , all three of them, are basically in denial. At one point, I tried to make a report to Social Services, it they would not hear me as I am not NOK.

A very unsatisfactory situation, from which I have had to detach for my own sanity.

whatever45 · 17/03/2019 06:10

Hi Charley . How are you managing ? It all adds such a strain to an already difficult situation. I've taken all responsibilities for my DF who is in a home. My DB who has power of attorney after the sudden death of my DM won't have anything to do with DF. I recently had to move DF to new care home - not actually sure DB is even aware which one he is in! Last week DF was taken to a and e so I did the dutiful thing and informed DB who just replied that he was in bed unwell . Didn't ever ask the outcome !

yolofish · 16/03/2019 14:01

OMG thigh that is an uncanny likeness...! back later to catch up with everyone else.