The second new shiny 2019 thread ...

Yolo that's very kind of you re the wheelchair. My bff is in Chislehurst so maybe not far from you. However, before checking in on the thread i got something a travel wheelchair on eBay. If it's shit i will send it back. That's so kind of you.

How did your hair dye battle go? I'm used to dealing with the grey stripe, it's the sprouting white eyebrow hairs that terrify me. I'm rapidly becoming Dennis Healey, when i really wanted to be lovely Tony Benn. Or J-Lo.

For background: DM, 90, had a mildish stroke 8 years ago which leaves her unable to write or deal with numbers, mild speech problems, becoming increasingly forgetful. I've ranted on here previously, mostly about her ability to moan for England.

She's in hospital currently, admitted for low blood pressure and stomach problems which turned out to be a blockage in her gut plus infection. Hospital were unsure whether they could deal with it medically and ruled out surgery as she probably wouldn't survive, and they were talking about palliative care and a DNR directive if they couldn't sort it out. However, slightly to everyone's surprise, they did. They have also discovered what seems likely to be a tumour in her bladder but they don't seem to think it's an urgent issue and, again, wouldn't contemplate surgery.

The current issue is that they could discharge her but she's very unwilling to walk - previously she had reasonably good mobility with a three-wheel walker, but she can barely shuffle more than a couple of yards at the moment. Getting her up to wee, even with bringing a commode to her, is a major undertaking.

I've therefore been with her in hospital a lot, and generally speaking that's OK. I find myself much better able to cope with her moaning when she genuinely has something to complain about. But increasingly visits are totally draining, as her dementia is noticeably worse and basically it's exactly the same conversation going round and round in a loop the entire time I'm with her. She's also fairly clearly complaining for the sake of it; if she wants something she goes on and on about it, but I swear she's almost disappointed if she gets it and has to stop complaining. The poor nurse was totally bemused today as he said she'd proclaimed that she loved coffee, so he went off to get it for her, whereupon she spurned it with loathing and said she hated it. She needs to drink as dehydration is what caused the bowel problem in the first place, but it's really hard to persuade her to do so because she doesn't want to have to pee. As for food - when it comes she loudly proclaims she doesn't want that, that she never eats, etc. It's OK if I'm there because I can bully persuade her into eating at least something, but again the nurses just don't have time.

She's constantly saying she wants sherry/whisky, again because she knows she can't have them in hospital. So nowadays my constant refrain is that she must eat and drink properly and practise her walking so she can go home and neck sherry to her heart's content. Fingers crossed that it works, not sure how much more of this I can take, but I know how dreadfully boring it must be for her in hospital and I know she probably wouldn't eat and drink if I'm not there to push her. Ho hum.

Just been to DF nursing home to deliver cake candles balloons flowers and presents for DM birthday tomorrow
I’m working in London so can’t be around
DF was quite animated tonight and has been up in wheelchair so hope he’s not peaked and sleeps all through the celebration

sandwich ah, I see.

I'm over losing my dad. I don't think mum will get better than she is now, in fact I'm really impressed by how well she is doing, bless her.

Where I need help is "having another human being feature frequently in my life". I don't think a counsellor can help with that. I am doing some meditation and reading some Buddhist material which has been quite soothing today.

grace I meant early days in terms of losing your dad, for you and your dm. Have you considered counselling? Could that help?

maddy big hugs to you

sandwich apols if really stupid question, but when you say "it's still early days" I'm wondering what you mean?

Yesnota we need a vortex at the fayre!
Thanks for the good wishes- still under the weather but so much more fortunanate than most of you as I dont have work to worry about now.
grace it is still really early days- howdo you take care of yourself?
yolo hope today is better for you.
jace 🌺🌺 hope something goes right today.
thigh you must be so knackered and worn down by all the crises. No wonder little things flatten you.
Wise words maddy from yolo- youvego to keep something in the tank. And it is so hard when you can’t fix things.
And dint hope you are enjoying the sun in your garden and your df is being well cared for.

Thank you so much yolo, no I don't have to visit her, but you know the guilt. I'm going to leave it for tonight and see if anything really bad happens. Yes I have learned a lot from this thread over the last few months, and chipped in occasionally if I felt I could contribute. Me and my brother have a saying a bit like your 'cockroach', we say ISBIS - it's shit because it's shit - some things are just crap and we can't do anything about it.

oh maddy none of us really know what we're asking. It's a bloody hard road, no map, sat nav takes you down wrong turns, and even having RAC membership doesnt always help! And I don't want to visit her today do you have to? really, actually? if there is nothing you can do to make her feel better than maybe take a little bit of space so that at least you might feel better. That learning to look after yourself bit is the hard thing, it goes against everything we think we 'should' be doing, but I think if you are a longtime lurker you will see that eventually we all have to end up doing it somehow...

Hello, long time lurker, think I'm probably going to be joining in more and more...

Mum is living in a residential care home. She has ongoing mobility issues (can't walk without her rollator, falls if she tries), pain from arthritis, especially in her hands which sometimes she can barely use - keeps dropping things. Longstanding depression, as well as more recent 'understandable' depression about her situation now. She has always been a very negative person, constantly moaning about everything. Over the last couple of weeks she developed a very bad UTI which caused some delerium, agression and anger - this is being treated with antibiotics. She has also developed a really horrible itchy rash which has spread over all her body and is driving her mad - she's not sleeping, itching all the time, it's awful. The doctors have been out to her a few times and prescribed various things, they don't know what the rash is but do think that the current regime of medication will work in time. The care home called the dr again this morning, but the dr didn't think there was any point visiting as the meds should start working soon. This has enraged mum who thinks noone cares about her or is doing anything to make her better. Which isn't true at all and is hard to hear. She is being horrible to me as well as the carers - I do understand why she would feel like this and I have been to see her nearly every day for the last couple of weeks while she has been ill (and I do realise a lot of the horribleness has been caused by the UTI). Today when she phoned to tell me about the doctor not coming and nobody doing anything to help I was sympathetic but said something along the lines of the doctor must be confident that the medicine will work soon, she hung up on me.

I don't know what to say to her. And I don't want to visit her today.

and I don't really know what I'm asking...

Dint thank you

I've been on medication for anxiety and depression for 20+ years. Not sure there is any more the doctors can do.

Yolo I suppose a lot of this depends on how far you are prepared to push investigating the case...they will cover their arses sooooo much.

Jace hope you are fully recovered, thank you for the cat pic.

Minty yes I fed dad as well. I wasn't working at the time, but you could see the relief of the nurses when someone turned up to do that!

oh jace that all sounds bloody awful. Superglue works on most things, I find!
thigh if you live anywhere near Kent you can have mum's wheelchair? used twice I think...

Yolo if you strip all the bullshit, arse covering and wanky apologies can you figure out what they're saying? Why didn't they tell you about the pneu - is that what pisses you off most?

In answer to this: their response was very selective, ignored all concerns pre Sept 12, didnt acknowledge various issues or general very poor comms, didnt acknowledge that her PM had to be in a different hospital BECAUSE they thought there had been a failure of care. Sending it all off to DB today for his input.

Back again!
I just want to know if life will ever improve?
Took DM for memory assessment on Monday she aced it despite not being able to even remember that she had liver surgery recently or even been ill! So no help at all
Tuesday DD wrote her car off - so stressful, struggling to help her with lifts to work, look at new cars etc n bank of mum re loan
Friday took Dcat to vet to find out he needs surgery which is going to be around 1.5k - not covered by insurance - the X-rays next week are £250+ - I can’t have him put to sleep he’s not even 2 yet and he keeps me sane
Today (Sunday) whilst on way to view a car with DD another car ran into back of me - I was stationary at time - catapulted me into car in front - major damage to mine with lots of inconvenience that I could well do without - my job needs a car and am also away on hols in it very soon
Work is stressing me out - I had minor surgery myself recently so the time off means I’m playing catch up
I’m so fed up I’ve been comfort eating and drinking so my SW diet is suffering!
I just want one thing to go right this week - even one thing not going wrong would be a start
I desperately need a new kitchen and repairs to my kitchen roof - tonight the drawer front off my cutlery drawer came off in my hands and I just howled like the world had ended
Waiting for DS to come home and help me let’s hope superglue lives up to name as that’s all I can afford to do
It’s now getting late and I’ve been making cakes for DM big birthday on Tuesday - I will deliver to DF nursing home tomorrow eve so that they can celebrate together as sadly I’m working away from home part of week
Sorry about length of post - just needed to put it out there

Will we have a votex of despair at the May Fete?

Yes to being eaten alive or devoured by the vortex of despair.
🌺🌺yolo
So good to know we are not alone.

oh yes thigh the need of others... that t-shirt is still being worn by all of us I think. Feeling really low tonight so am going to go to bed soon and hope to sleep it off.

Grace it's like being eaten alive isn't it, the need of others. I don't know how I've managed with children, I suppose because I made them and biology does things to you to force you to look after them.

Grace It's not much help, but I totally know how you feel.

The idea of handing over responsibility for parent care to someone else is a complete anathema to me, although I will have no choice if things deteriorate going forward. I've calculated every possible permutation and there's no way I can reduce my hours let alone give up work to care for them.

When dad was in hospital in the early days and unable to feed himself, people kept asking my why I was eating at my desk and rushing round to the hospital in my own lunch breaks to feed him..."there are nurses there to do it".

Yes, but I could do it, so why wouldn't I?

I am trying to step back as after 4 weeks off with stress I'm due back at work in a week. I'm aiming to only see them every other day, but when I don't see them, I end up ringing at least 3 times. By the time I'm back to my fulltime hours, the care package will have finished and I will lay money now on mum not extending it. Actually have just realised that point falls in the Easter Holidays so I guess I won't be getting many lay ins!

Had a message from Mum this morning and they seemed to have a good start to the day so I've messaged back but not actually spoken to her yet.

I'd like to say it's taken nerves of steel but after an early start, 3 rounds of laundry and a session in the front garden I've been asleep under a cat for the last 2 hours!

sandwich I hope you feel better soon
nota I am loving your Range Rover man windup! kudos to you!
grace what you are asking is tricky, and I dont have the answer. I tried to make it about balance, rather than responsibility if that makes sense? So while I knew I was responsible (as was DB, albeit from a distance) I also had a responsibility to look after myself, so had to try and find some kind of balance - that actually worked ok while mum was reasonably well, which I think yours is at the mo? Sorry, that's probably no help at all.

Been in the garden all day, good for the soul and covered in mud now. Still got to dye my hair tonight as new client meeting on Tues and I look absolutely dreadful. Not helped by the fact that DD1 dyed my eyebrows for me and as they are usually invisible I freak out every time I see myself in the mirror!

monkey I'm surprised, I posted here about needing to keep dad's car battery going - I mean on MN generally, not on this board - and people were furious at the idea of running the engine for 10 minutes every so often.

I have actually just cried on the phone to mum again. It wasn't random - something happened in her street - and i just have this sense of being completely overwhelmed, like someone gave me a child I don't want to look after.

when I was last seeing someone, I had an annoying conversation with a doctor who didn't want a 30 something woman to consider sterilisation and thereafter had a nightmare where I had an accidental pregnancy, found out too late for an abortion and gave the baby up for adoption amid fierce criticism from everyone.

Pulling back from mum seems a bit like that. How do I rid myself of the idea that she is my responsibility? Other people seem to have no sense of feeling responsible for their parents at all, which is much more logical.

I wish I was having next week off from DM Grace!

Whatever time I get to the shop, if he is there, he has his engine running. (There is a big church nearby, so I reckon he drops off and waits for someone). It makes me irrationally angry, but every time I try and share this with anyone else they look at me like I've overinvested in something trivial...

Monkey I thought you meant having next week off from your DM initially!

the guy with the Range Rover runs the engine for 2 hours?!

I'm having next week off as I had got to the point where I knew I was about to snap at work. I've got a backlog of things that I haven't dealt with, a garden that needs attention, and a house that is in dire need of a spring clean. So hopefully I can make a dent in some of that this week, not least of all because we are due some sunshine.

Before I go and visit DM on a Sunday morning, I stop off at a shop in her village to pick her up some shopping. There is a man there who always parks his Range Rover in exactly the same spot, and sits with the engine running for what must be around two hours. My sport is to get their before him and bag his spot. When I do, he sits and glares at me while I come out and put the shopping in my boot. Then starts his engine to move his car.

There are days when I then go back into the shop... just to wind him up.

This is what my life has been reduced to....

sandwich cross post

hope you feel better asap!