The second new shiny 2019 thread ...

I shall be doing dinner for my DM shortly. And a LARGE wine for myself as the flipping dog just head butted the bowl of kibble as I was putting it down and it went EVERYWHERE.

Welcome @PotterHead1985 and cockroach keep on going one and all.

Hello all. Just taken dm out for lunch which she enjoyed greatly.No dd until later this week. And no sign of siblings visiting.
So glad you have had a lovely day yolo you really deserve it.
Still not well but keeping going..
Hope everyone else is having as good a day as possible.
cockroach !!

Hi all. Just found this thread. Haven't read thru all as it's confusing with conversation that had already started so just going to go from here.

thigh no minibar, but that's ok - there was a waitrose in the service station adjacent!! in fact there is very little at Days Inn apart from a bed and bathroom - but I have to say scrupulously clean, lovely Eastern European staff (to a wo/man), and really very acceptable meals at the Ramada a 2 min walk away (across the services).

Got rid of all mum's books yesterday to a teacher friend who's taken them for her school library. Dont think they are all suitable but she said no probs, the english dept can sort them out! Also removed 2 garden chairs and one little table, next thing to collect is a very lovely old armchair and the spare bed (both have homes in our house). As DB and SIL are so bloody indecisive I am trying to clear as much as I can before we hit D day...

Hope all well with everyone? am having lovely mother's day as DD1 here (expected) and DD2 turned up out of the blue, I almost cried! cockroach et courage mes amis

Yolo non slip lino sounds like a great idea - didn't know such a thing existed. Was there a mini bar at the Days Inn or did you take your own?

Took delivery of Dad's new wheelchair, packed up the rental one to go back, took delivery of bath lift, parcelled up bath lift that doesn't work to go back. Why does my house look like a Royal Mail sorting office?

Found it yolo🌺🌺🍷🍷
Sending cockroaches to all.

Thanks yolo🌺🌺

thesandwich this is maybe not particularly helpful, but receipt I found at mum's for her non slip floor - the product is called 'Rural Living 3301'!

venting that sounds bloody hard for you all.

apollo as long as he's happy...

I think we are lucky that FIL has settled well into his care home. Visiting him is a bit like Groundhog Day as he asks the same questions and tells me the same things over and over but apart from that he seems very happy. I have also worked out when they do the tea round so I visit then and get a bonus cuppa and a chocolate biscuit!

Getting slightly pissed off with at least some of the staff at the hospital where my mum is. They were great when she was actually ill, but now she is well on the mend some of them seem disposed to take the line of least resistance when it comes to things like encouraging her to eat, to sit out of bed and to try walking, even if it's only to get to a commode. Yesterday when she said she wanted a wee the nurses said she couldn't be taken to the loo because she isn't safe walking and that she's incontinent and should just use her pad. I had to be very firm about the fact that she hadn't been incontinent the day before and was perfectly able to use a commode safely with help. I'm seriously worried that, with that attitude, they will make her incontinent. Likewise, they're saying she can't move out to rehab or home till she can sit out of bed for a few hours and she's only doing it for around 10 minutes. Again, that's nonsense, she sits out for a long time when I'm there, and if she's demanding to go back to bed it's very obviously a case of won't, not can't. If they leave her in bed all day she'll never get her mobility back.

She keeps proclaiming that she never eats and as soon as any of them appear with a tray she spurns it with disgust and they meekly take it away. Today she was complaining that she hadn't been given any lunch - the nurse confirmed that she had and had refused it; so DM came up with an astonishing range of excuses - they hadn't told her it was there (it was on a tray in front of her, she couldn't miss it); they hadn't told her what it was; she couldn't just try it anyway because she couldn't see what it was; she couldn't put her glasses on because she's scared of losing them (how do you lose glasses that you are wearing, FFS?); they won't give her salt to put on (they do). Despite going on and on about how hungry she was, when her evening meal turned up we again had the whole performance about how she couldn't eat it, this time because there was too much on the plate. I got her to eat relatively easily with a combination of jollying her along and gentle bullying, but again I suspect she would have had nothing had I not been there.

I know how busy they are - but yesterday when they were doing very little there were only two patients in her side ward (it can take 6) and at least some of the staff seem to be willing and able to use a bit of pressure for her own good. There's a wipe-clean board above her bed where they put the names of that day's nursing staff; I'm seriously tempted to write on it "Don't take no for an answer" to try to get it through to people.

Thanx yolo
dint we were three hours in a and e- dm is not on any blood thinners etc so didn’t need scans and had not lost consciousness.
She flirted outrageously with the lovely young male doctor.....
sorry too brain dead to add anything profound but sending 🌺🌺🍷🍷🍰🍰and cockroaches to all......

didnt get round there tonight sandwich but have made a note for tomorow x

Thanks yolo that would be really helpful🌺🌺

I just completely saw red and started shouting

Tbh I think sometimes that's necessary, however horrible it feels at the time.

There were a couple of occasions when Dad was in hospital and Mum was being particularly self-obsessed when I spectacularly lost my shit with her (on one memorable occasion she told me dad's situation was worse for her...yep, he's 'only' my dad ).

It was grim at the time but we seem to have come out the other side of it all stronger.

it's good stuff sandwich although I dont actually know what it's called - could find out when I trot round to pick up any post later if you need? also, in DM's colour it shows very little dirt...bonus!

Too much for me to comment on at the moment so can only offer 🍰🍰🍫🍫☕️☕️
Thank you grace and yolo for your suggestions!on the hunt for non slip Lino.......

hi all, too many profound things to answer at the moment, but I just want to say NON SLIP LINO for kitchen and bathroom. Only places my mum ever fell over were on carpet!

Drove 200 miles yesterday for new work meeting - all great, but traffic on the way back meant I had to spend the night at the Days Inn at Bishops Stortford services and come home this am. Knackered!

Dint are you in my brain?

I tried that last week. She believed it. Unfortunately yesterday, the truth came out. I'm terrible at lying in that way.

It was because I thought the work memorial idea had been dropped, so when she rang and said they'd been in touch about it, I just completely saw red and started shouting - which is very unusual for me. I get angry or shout once in a blue moon.

Minty yes, I've never felt connected to my work either - but you mention there's tears most mornings which concerns me? Is it the dread? perhaps our feelings just come out differently, I def get the dread.

Finally there's a lot of factors there but I think mum just thinks it's the decent thing for me to do, to keep on with marking stuff for the first year at least, and doesn't see why it would "interfere" with my life.

I don't want to speculate but at the moment I'm so angry I don't even want to talk to her. I'm starting to worry about my physical health now.

Maddy I don't think you sound controlling. I am thinking that I need to say to mum that I can't listen to her talk about dad any more and if she wants to do it, she either has to talk to her friends - inexplicably she doesn't like to do this, partly because she saw her husband as the be all and end all and didn't like to talk to friends about the tough stuff - or she has to see a counsellor, which she won't do.

but I can't do it anymore. It's incredibly nice of you to let your mum talk to you about that stuff.

It does sound very controlling

That sounds horrible - I do let my Mum talk about her feelings, I just don't want to join in the conversations that endlessly criticise my Dad, just as I didn't when he was alive...

And Dint I wanted to say that your reply to me earlier: 'But I can't ask "How do I stop my father phoning me when he's lonely or worried?" I suppose it something to do with rage/despair at seeing one's last few years of healthy life vanish, while knowing that to walk away would make it difficult to respect oneself as a decent person.' is perfect. And heartbreaking. all round.

Grace "I was puzzled - I think the last time I asked him for advice was mid-20s" yes, same here, my parents weren't part of my day to day life since I left home at 18 and never lived in the same town as them again, until we moved my mum here after dad died. Which is why like you I'm struggling with her suddenly being such a big part of my life and needing things. I guess the first year after your dad's death will be full of 'special occasions' for your mum, but that doesn't mean you have to mark them all with her, or not more than raising a glass to his memory or something.

Although I sort of have the opposite issue in that Mum really didn't like Dad, and hasn't expressed any grief about him, just anger and depression about the situation she now finds herself in. I think that she maybe thought (subconsciously, or possibly not) that if he wasn't around then she would be able to do all the things that she felt he stopped her doing, but now she is too old and ill to do them. But maybe I am projecting, it's not a conversation I want to have with her.