The second new shiny 2019 thread ...

minty I feel like I'm kind of losing my dad even though he's still there I think this is a fairly common feeling, maybe its a part of the process? I dont know but glad back to work was better than you expected.

I found the right kind of lawn edging, yay, so going back out in a minute to arrange some pebbles (scottish cobbles from the builders merchant) artfully. I am easily pleased!

Hope you're bearing up ok whatever

Tbh I think this year can do one already...frankly it's totally sucked balls for virtually everyone I know.

I went back to work last week - it went much better than I anticiptated and now have 2 weeks off for Easter, although I'm expecting much of that to be assisting The Olds. Already booked in for hospital trips with Dad two days this week.

I don't know where to start with him and mum is rapidly running out of patience. He's being difficult about eating, suffering with constipation which is making him very anxious and highly strung, and seriously depressed. He's being talking about suicide again today...in actual fact he's incredibly bloody fortunate to be in the shape hebis physically and mum and I dancing attendance on him.

He was such a lovely, chilled out man but over the last few years he'd already changed...this has just made it 10x worse. He seems to have literally lost the will to live and I feel like I'm kind of losing my dad even though he's still there.

toofar that all sounds like utter crap, I have heard good things about country cousins (as mentioned by finally). Being at a distance is bloody hard, being round the corner is bloody hard... cockroach one and all. (just to add, I still feel absolutely no grief, and just pure relief, that DM went when she did. It's very strange. Mother's Day I had a lovely time, DD1 was home anyway and then DD2 turned up out of the blue, but I didnt think about dm at all. Maybe I've just done all the grieving already?)

whatever what a rubbish week. Great to hear about awesome dcs.
cockroach all.

First Mother's Day since DM died and then burial of DF IL yesterday. That week can do one.
On a positive, so proud of my 3 DC. They have been amazing. Middle DC starts her first job today too. Hope everyone has a good day

@Toofaroutallmylife

So sorry to hear what you have going on there.

I would encourage you to get the POA in place as quickly as possible. Do you have someone , friend or neighbour who could be your certificate provider ? If so, down load the forms from the internet and get them signed as quickly as possible. A neighbour did ours for my mother, all very simple.

I am 130miles from my mother and would be lost without her live in carers. We use an agency who introduces self employed companion carers. They have been really great. Having them live in my mothers home for s fortnight at a time had made things a lot easier all round. They are called country cousins.

No wonder you're cross - that's appalling .

Thanks Minty - I’m doing ok. I don’t think there are any good answers. I think I’m just so cross that the carers don’t seem to have done anything when DM deteriorated. The carers called an ambulance on Tuesday evening but were told not to stay with her - the ambulance came at 5am the next morning, by which time she’d been on her own since 9pm. She couldn’t stand so had soiled herself- I came down today (which I could only do as I’m off sick!) and the chair covered in faeces was still in her living room. I was so angry the rage gave me the strength to move the chair into the garage. My kids are coming tomorrow and I’m not having them living in s*.

Sorry, just ranting!

Toofar I can't offer much advice as this is all new to me too, but can really sympathise with your worries about your DMum's mental health as we're having similar with my dad.

He's been on Seroxat for a while but doubling the dose seemed to make him worse. I don't know why they haven't tried something else - I guess because of other medication. He's also a bugger for not wanting to eat and mum isn't a fan of cooking so isn't much help (they eat well enough but tends to be pre-prepared stuff).

I can't imagine how difficult it is from.tjat distance. Are you paying for her carers, in which case could you switch to a different agency that's a bit more pro active perhaps?

How are you doing? Are you managing to make time for your own recovery?

Hi, I’ve been on here a bit before but probably under a different name. I’m really struggling. I will make this as short as I can!

Mum fell and broke her ankle in November. We did the full run of community hospital and care home, but she insisted she wanted to be at home.

We got her home with a package of carers 4 times a day, but it’s not enough. She’s miserable- we Initially put this down to being in a care home, but she went home early March and was still miserable. She’s been seen by a psychiatric nurse but any pills that might help would make her more unsteady.

I came to see her 3 weeks ago and ended up being her overnight carer for a couple of nights - this sounds reasonable but I was recovering from a major cancer op - luckily my 78 year old uncle also was staying and between us we managed the night shift (!)

She was put on antibiotics and was much better by the end of the weekend. She managed ok for a couple of weeks but then started falling again - she was taken back into hospital on Wednesday and has been diagnosed with an infection.

I don’t even know what my question is! Mum insists she won’t go into a home and the social workers have been saying she has capacity.

It’s really clear from looking at the carers record of caring for mum that they have been really passive - if she says she doesn’t want food they just don’t feed her so she’s been living on sandwiches and occasional pizza for the last 2 weeks (she avoids drinking water as she can’t get on the commode, so ends up with uti which makes her fall over)

I live 5 hours away and my sister lives 6 hours away. Has anyone successfully managed carers from a distance?

She has finally agreed in principle to give us a power of attorney but I don’t think she has capacity at the moment

Sorry for the long post but any fresh ideas are welcome!

Going back out into the garden now, wind has finally dropped, sun is shining, and I cannot cope with any more Brexit shit. Mum would be turning in her grave, if she had one, at the state our politics and this country have reached.

Loving the sound of your willow structure nota! I am making a flower bed smaller, bought some horrible flexi green plastic edging (what DH refers to as 'pensioner's edging'!) but it''s crap and I need to find something better. It needs to shape a curve so that I can add some slabs/pebbles to cut the corner off a bed. I know what I want in my head, but I cant find it!

I spent quite a bit of my energy last week in the garden. I hardly touched any of the things I should have been doing, instead I bought myself some willow sticks and string and created some supports that look like they they were measured with a set square. because if if that is the only corner of my life where I can apply order, then I will.

DS will get the treatment that I can pay for. Mental Health services here is woeful so I went private in order to get him help. He is on a very low dose of meds, but all they seem to have done is shaved off maybe 5% of the most extreme behaviours.

My 'calm' thing is gardening... we have a massive garden, there is no way it can all be 'done'. But I've finally taken control of bits of it, and it's an amazing way of destressing, not just while you are digging out the bastard weeds, but also when you go out and look at the difference you've made.

Sorry to hear everyone is going through it this week.

Just muddling on here. Back at work on half my usual hours and going better than I expected tbh. Mum and Dad seem to be coping ok...touch wood.

The Calm app is also really good. I wasn't keen on it when I first tried it a few years ago, but did a trial last year and ended up subscribing. It's £35 a year but there's loads of different options on it, and DD also lots on with my username and listens to it, so well worth it.

nota I am also 55 (plus 3 in May) and am also old, fat and fucked - big hugs and etc. You are not alone... more big hugs.

DM's buyers buyers have pulled out. Her buyers are really lovely, really want the house etc, so have given them 2 weeks then it goes back on the market at the original price.

DH finally feeling better, can be up and functioning for at least half the day now. MRI/CT scan on April 30, and then we find out what happens next. I am drinking too much, smoking too much and not eating properly. Thank god for Ddog who at least makes me guzzle fresh air...
cockroach

maddy have you tried the headspace app at all? Try the free trial. Otherwise gin.

monkey I’m so sorry you too are having a crap time. It doesn’t feel fair when you put yourself out so much for your ungrateful dm.
Will ds’s diagnosis mean he can be treated properly? It must be such a shock.🌺🌺
dint, yolo thinking of you and everyone else on this thread.
cockroach all.

So, the shit list to update from the Monkey household:

• DS(18) has now been diagnosed bipolar.
• Spent Mother's day with DM, so usual mix of moans/muddles/etc from her while I grit my teeth waiting for the day to be over.
• Yesterday night I had the most excruciating pain in my shoulders, to the point I thought I was having a heart attack. Nothing would touch it. Spent the night in A&E, only to be told it was an arthritis flare up (stress does that apparently).
• Oh and I turned 55.

oh dint so sorry to hear about your cat, they are such a big part of our lives and leave such a big hole when they go. Cats and dogs dont judge us for our failings (unless it's an empty bowl!) they just love us...

Sorry about the cat dint , it really is just a seemingly never-ending pile on isn't it. Glad your dad is OK. Has anyone got any techniques for thinking about things so it doesn't seem so overwhelming?

dint I am so sorry you are having to deal with all this. You don’t deserve all this s@#£.
I’m so sorry about your cat. 🌺🌺🌺

One boy one girl. Girl did the head butting both did the hoovering

welcome Potter presumably being a dog he/she was able to hoover up the kibble?! If only mine could do the same with dust...