The second new shiny 2019 thread ...

Hello, please may I scream, very loudly?
Went to case conference for mum, she's in hospital for 14th time in four years, multiple falls, UTIs, 'off legs'. Mum's also deaf and has very poor sight because of cataracts.
Unfortunately dad's always had to be the centre of attention and he resents anyone else being focussed on.
Anyway, case conference just went round and round in circles as suspected, with mum saying she didn't want to be a nuisance and would be happy anywhere and dad refusing to do anything or make a decision other than say 'they' don't want strangers in the house 😡😳
I did point out it wasn't fair on mum and that my sisters and I weren't substitute free Carers....
At least the named nurse and the OT were in agreement with me and one sister but heaven knows where we're going from here. Mum's fit for discharge, dad has to make a decision to have either Carers 4x day, a live-in carer 9-6 with two hours break during those hours) at C£200/day or NH. Obviously night carer would be on top if went home. I could see my father's face at forking out money.....
I'm prepared to bet anything you like that she goes home, Carers stopped by them within 3 days, just like the last half a dozen discharges.
One of my sisters has financial POA (unbeknown to me and other sibling, has had for a year), colludes with DF on everything, realistic or not.
Just wtf can I do?

Welcome to the newbies.

Hen POA kind of means whatever you make it really. For health, it's being an advocate, or being the person they can discuss care plans with if the person loses capacity. Financial POA has been really useful for us as I was able to set up online banking for myself on DM's account, get everything paid for by DD etc so that she wasn't forgetting to pay bills, or fretting about them.

I would recommend applying for Attendance Allowance if you haven't already. I get DM's paid into a seperate account set up just for that, and I use that to pay for things like the gardener, DIY, as well as any expenses I incur on her behalf such as hospital parking, petrol, etc as it all adds up otherwise.

Hi, has anyone had an advocate appointed for their parent? The hospital discharge social worker suggested this as my sister and I live 5-6 hours away- apparently it’s someone who represents DM’s views in any discussion on her ongoing care. I’m not sure if it’s a dementia-related thing or not. I’ve said I think it’s a good idea as it takes a bit of the pressure (guilt?) off me and my sister

oldspeckled sorry you’re having difficulty getting answers- there are people on here with much more experience than me (lucky them!!) but I’ve usually managed to speak to the nurse responsible for DM to find out what’s going on while she’s in hospital. Unfortunately, as regards to “doing it all”, I think you have to draw boundaries for your own wellbeing and sanity

Welcome ZANYWANY

Hi everyone

Newbie here who has just found this amazing thread. Have just read all of this one whilst nodding along to what so many of you are saying and I feel I have found somewhere to vent with people who understand.

Sorry to jump into thread, I just need to vent (breathe) and don't want to start a whole new thread about DM

Long story short, she's not a well woman... Diabetic/ and under (what feels like) EVERY consultant in the hospital. She was admitted Monday night with severe back pain.

She lives alone and is still independent (if a bit wobbly) but after last hospital discharge (March) adult SS were calling in twice daily to check on her (which in one sense was good, someone was seeing her daily - albeit not doing anything for her --- she gets herself up, washed/dressed/sorts food) so she fired them - felt their time was wasted on her 🙄🙄🙄

Anyway, she moans like no-ones business about the hospital (and tbf its not the best - absolutely no communication...) and how's she's treated "like a sack of spuds" No-one tells us what's going on, and she's had MRI and CT, but no-one can tell us what's going on ...

We are in the process of me becoming her POA for health and welfare, but I have no clue what is expected of me - and what I should expect from the hospital...

My DB lives in America, her brothers and sister all live 2+hours away, I live an hours drive away, but I feel it's all down to me... I also have a FT job (my boss is amazingly understanding so lucky there) but I have a life too ... Plus it hurts financially (I have strict weekly budget £30 fuel £20 food) to keep travelling over to see her (esp when hospital parking is involved)

I've contacted PALS about the hospital communication... But felt like they can't help either 🙄

God, that sounds awful ... also I'm typing on my phone, so it's all garbled ... but I just need it out of my head.

Sorry and thanks xx

Cockroach 🙄🙄🙄

Mine was less of the geriatric toddler, more inclined to go off on a rant about 'men these days can't do anything right, in my day we all knew who was NSIT (not safe in a taxi) blah blah". She got very short shrift from me and the DDs! TBH I should have tried 'there's a squirrel' but useless with both her and DD1...

cockroach to all of us.

Geriatric toddler 😀

DM was recently supplied with a hospital bed. Very convenient but it did not come with what seems to be called a frame, which provides a post st each side of the bed which DM had been using to haul herself up out of bed

Without this, DM was unable to get herself out of bed and to the commode.

Over a week later, frame delivered. We are now all on tenterhooks to see whether DM can use the commode independently.

If not, we will forever blame the loss of that frame for a week for the latest step towards absolute lack of independence and autonomy. Keep telling myself if might have happened anyway in that timeframe but. Oh dear

cockroach to anyone struggling.

Absolutely. To the extent of using distraction techniques. I did the equivalent of “oh look, a squirrel!” many times this weekend. (I once read this as a tip on Mumsnet many years ago when my DC were toddlers- it didn’t matter if there actually was a squirrel or not).

And I really thought I’d left the poo years behind (which is one of the main reasons I don’t want a dog).

Yep.

Does anyone feel a bit like they have a geriatric toddler though?

How's everyone doing today?

I've just spoken to mum on the phone - am trying to scale back the calls and especially the visits - partly for my own sanity and partly so mum is used to me being less available when I get back full time in a couple of weeks.

Anyway, carer gave dad a bath this morning - his first in about 2 years (obviously he washes and showers but hasn't been able to manage a bath for some time). She has also has the builder round and set a date for him to start the garage conversion/extension that will give them a downstairs bedroom and wet room. I swear I nearly cried. It will be such a massive load off of all of us to have that in place.

Am going round tomorrow and we're going to do his blue badge application and look at getting him a folding wheelchair ahead of his first post accident trip to the pub for his birthday next week.

Feeling really positive on the surface but incredibly anxious underneath, half expecting the rug to be pulled from under us

finallyhere it was all unfortunately in German if I remember correctly - 30 odd years ago tbh so the memory is little hazy I sadly have forgotten a lot of the vocabulary due to lack of use !

Hello ccc and welcome 😀

Wondering whether you read Brecht in translation or do we have two languages in common

Oops, that's three different abbreviations for your name in three posts 😀

Notaflying not particularly a fan of Brecht but forced to read him at A’level and unfortunately degree Just sounded a good name

yes please nota for your willow sticks pics!

DM was fast asleep in front of the Corrie omnibus blasting out on max volumn when I got to hers yesterday morning, which gave me time to do a bit of weeding and clear a blocked drain cover without her hovering. What joy.

Lovely bit of cobbles Yolo, I'll have to see if I can take a photo of my willow sticks.

Welcome caucasian to the club nobody wants to be a member of. I take it you are a Brecht fan?

unfortunately have no other relatives to share the load iykwim

I'm in the same boat but mercifully most of the time my parents are only round the corner.

yolo garden looks good...I've got a similar project planned for my front garden which is paved but has a central bed and one under the window. Was planning to put plants in, but both areas are fill of pernicious weeds, so am going to pull them all out and stick down some.weed proof sheet and cobbles.

caucasian sounds really tough but it does sound as if it’s only going one way. Make sure the decisions- dnr etc are clear. And look after yourself too- you dint know how long this will go on. Keep something in the tank. 🌺🌺
tickling hello- think I can connect you with you4 other life!😂
yolo that looks lovely.
cockroach all.

THanks tickling

yolofish that looks beautiful 😁. Used to be another username, but when you have finished your own garden you are more than welcome to fix mine in Denmark 😁 I'll even buy you gin 😂.
Hope things are better with your dh?

Caucasian, I think yolo is right, it could be the beginning of the end. But some are very quick others take a long time. Wishing you strenght.

Thanks for answering yolo ! A bit of gardening is always therapeutic ! My partner is a gardener by profession and a bit of a perfectionist so I often don’t get let loose

caucasian so sorry you have to join us... but we are all lovely! It sounds to me as if it might be the beginning of the end for your dear mum, but also as if the care home and the medics are on the case as much as possible. Sorry, but as long as she is as peaceful as she can be then that's probably all you can hope for.

Here is a picture of my work in progress this afternoon: I need to buy more cobbles!

Hope you don’t mind me joining your thread. Didn’t even know it existed !
My mum is 90 and has fairly advanced dementia. I am familiar to her but not sure she actually knows exactly who I am. She’s currently in a rest home and needing all care, she’s unable to communicate apart from making occasional sounds or expressions. She’s also sleeping alot. Tends to get agitated when moved and hasn’t mobilised for days.
Last week she was admitted to hospital for a few days with dehydration and her sodium levels were extremely elevated. According to her consultant this is a worrying sign as it means her kidneys are probably not functioning effectively. We had a bit of a chat and came to the conclusion that dragging her into hospital was not in her best interests. All her medications have been stopped apart from the essential ones and hospital admission only if symptoms cannot be controlled. I live over an hour away and have 2 older school age children. I’m trying to get over to her every 2 days or so but unfortunately have no other relatives to share the load iykwim. Only positive thing is that the Kids are off school and fortunately I’m on annual leave for 2 weeks. Rest home have just had the gp in as she’s not really eating or drinking much and ‘agitated’at times (pulling off her covers etc) although not when I’m there. I just feel so helpless. She’s not ready for end of life care but I suspect she will deteriorate gradually. I can’t be there all the time as I have no rels/ friends living round here anymore. Sad thing is when she is more awake she’s so smiley. It’s so awful. Just wondered if anyone had experienced all this before Tia.