The second new shiny 2019 thread ...

I have my 84 year old mil staying. Today we had a 40 minute conversation about Tesco club card points. As you were

I get you dint!
yolo how crap is that????
Cockroach!!!

These stories of people criticising when you’re helping are just mad
I’ve friends help when I’ve been injured and couldn’t care less how things are done. The point is that someone is helping you.

Yolo, sorry to hear that. I must admit I don’t know what a probate document looks like. I hope it doesn’t take forever to sort?

hello all, sounds like the usual 7th level of hell going on with your oldies... my sympathies.

DM solicitor has fucked up YET again. All excited last week, as probate came through. Except it turns out they spelt her street name wrong, and the postcode is wrong. Ha bloody ha. Obvs buyers solicitors have said not to proceed until document is correct. Fuckweasel solicitor is on hols yet again (I make that the 6th this year?). DB has put a bomb under someone and we are awaiting further updates... It is very stressful, I just want it done and dealt with.

Great advicedint
And nota I hear you!!! Sprouting potatoes with2” growth anyone?

Good advice from Dint there Jelly.

Your DM sounds similar to mine, down to the fiddly bathroom light. I have got her a gardener, but she tells him to leave some of the things for me to do. Go figure.

My DM has taken to standing 2 inches away from me when I am doing things so that she can supervise/criticise. Sunday I was clearing out her fridge to put the shopping away that I had bought and she was cross examining me on why I was being so wasteful as to throw corned beef away that was 2 week's past it's sell by date (and was dry and curly). Because I am so wasteful that's why.

The bulb was for the bathroom, its an odd light fitting which I didn't feel confident taking down so dh needed to do it and he's only here on weekends, she rang Sunday afternoon. She knows he's only here weekends. In the week it was flashing but by the weekend it had failed.

She could still have plenty of light to see in the bathroom though from the hallway, she never closes the door.

The relentless demands are getting to me, this had gone on for months, she only speaks to me when she wants something doing. I've stopped talking to her about my life and goings on, she uses the information against me.

She does have mh issues, been signed off psychiatrist and all meds, she now has low level anxiety not helped by the PD.

I just find her exhausting. As soon as I sort one thing there's no break she's straight onto nagging about something else.

rosa My mother is a master manipulator. Unfortunately she has Parkinsons so can't leave her completely however much I want to. I do take breaks occasionally, me and my brother take turns. He's on holiday so I think she has stepped up the demands due to that.

She has a gardener, for some reason she doesn't ask him to do extras like tidy up the borders. I've told her ds will do it this once but then she needs to get the gardener to do it.

She also has a cleaner who usually puts the bins out, she didn't come today don't know why. Her carers could put the bins out but she didn't ask them.

Jelly I’m afraid that rings warning bells of manipulation to me. Unless there’s any other factors at play? But I can’t see why a light bulb needs replacing immediately. I think gardening is a luxury tbh, she should pay someone to do that.

Bulb and bins immediately makes me think, can a neighbour help out?

Of course you can’t manage constant demands, nor should you have to.

Does anyone else get demanding phone calls?

Yesterday it was for us to go there to change a lightbulb, fair enough but it had to be done that afternoon.

My dh works away during the week, our weekends are very precious. She rang during the rugby as well, she knew she'd interrupted and took ages to get off the phone.

This morning she rang my son to remind him he'd agreed to do some gardening for her, fair enough he can forget but we had reminded him.

No sooner had he arrived home after doing the gardens for her and she rang me this afternoon to say she needed her bins to be put out.

I flipped then. She's quite happy for us to be run ragged doing things for her. She only speaks to me to ask me to do something or remind me I've agreed to do something.

It's starting to get to me how demanding she is becoming. Not only to do things but in her timescale.

I can't take on her mental load as well, we're in the middle of selling up and have enough going in atm.

nora does your mum have enough things in her name only?

There’s an argument for moving forward as she wishes and let them try whatever they fancy. I have a feeling there’s a lot of hot air here.

I’m sorry you and your mum are going through this.

It exactly what I thought yesterday when I came away from the meeting. But they are not divorcing, and I don't want them to divorce because my mum could lose her pensions and savings if they did. But yes, his attitude was as if they had had some kind of pre-nup in place (they didn't) and were legally separating.
The prognosis for her husband is 4-6 months possibly longer. Mum's is 4-15 years.
Mum is now at the point where she has said she'd consider residential apart from husband if it were near me and was good enough to feel like she could have a good quality of life. At least, that's what she says today, but there is one thing for sure, she remembers it and that is very unusual so it went very deep yesterday.

Nora it sounds as if the son is handling it all as if they are actually getting divorced?

So I’m now wondering if it’s better to just ask the husband if that’s how everyone should proceed?

So sorry nora 🌺

Grabby bastards.

They are not divorcing, this is all happening because her husband is dying, has mismanaged his money for years and now handed it all to his son to sort out and he is turning to my mum to "make things equal" (sons words). It is beyond crass.

Christ that's awful Nora. Did you say that your mum had been his carer until recently?

I have no clue as to what the legalities are around marriage and finances, but I am pretty sure that they are on dodgy ground there - is her husband now seeking a divorce? I seem to remember you saying your DM has a decent pension - presume that if that goes to paying for her care in the near future her husband won't be able to claim half? Are your mum and he still living together currently? Personally I would have to say that any future communications on the matter needs to go through a solicitor.

What happened to the nicer of the two brothers?

Bank accounts not Nancy accounts!

The meeting was awful. My mum was reduced to tears asking why they were picking apart her marriage and asking her to account for every penny spent- my aunt stormed out calling them "cold heartless money minded bastards", I sat and mostly said - "I will seek advice and get back to you". These men have gone through their dad's Nancy accounts since 2001 when mum n him married and have identified every payment he's ever made for anything for the house or them as a couple and are looking for evidence that mum paid half or want it now to make things "fair", it is gobsmackigly crass.
Only at the end a tortuous hour of financial forensics did they turn to the topic of care for their dad and my mum. And their dad was part of it- he didn't support my mum, he sat there saying "I've paid for everything". I ducking hate them all. I hope his demise is swift and miserable. I'm heartbroken for my mother who thought she was in a happy marriage only to finally discover what my aunt and I have know since the start- that he is a nasty cunt.
Back to the solicitor tomorrow I think.

how did the meeting go nora?

jesus nora they sound like absolute shits, I hope the aunt is kick ass? and as for SS, self-funding shouldnt make a difference if she needs assessement for care. angry on your behalf.

nota I am so sorry but her preferring to be a burden to you rather than your DB bought a wry smile to my face... my DM was pretty much the same as "daughters understand better". of course, this left the coast clear for DB and DSIL to ride in like knights on white chargers. big hug for you, and hope the gp has some ideas for how to help you.