The second new shiny 2019 thread ...

oops, hit return too soon!

The guilt thing: I honestly think it is a waste of time. There will always be someone, somewhere, who is prepared to guilt trip you about what you are doing - enough/not enough/too bossy/not caring blah blah. The thing is, it's not just about you, it's about everyone else you love (partner, kids, etc). No one person can do everything, and if someone else expects you to then you know they are the unreasonable one, not you. It is not selfish to care about yourself or your immediate family, in fact it's only by doing that that you can have the energy to support others.

Thank you for kind words about blog, I need to sort some tech issues (friend asked me today how to subscribe? no bloody idea!) and then going to start social media-ing it.

cockroach one and all, TFIF!

zany I so recognise your MIL comment - having done it for my mum, pretty much solo-handed (not personal care but every other bloody thing) DH and SIL can step up for PIL when the time comes - which I am dreading tbh.

Would your mum and dad consider the warden accom right now? esp if you gave them the 'it wont hang around' message and then where will we be?

zany I so recognise your MIL comment - having done it for my mum, pretty much solo-handed (not personal care but every other bloody thing) DH and SIL can step up for PIL when the time comes - which I am dreading tbh.

Would your mum and dad consider the warden accom right now? esp if you gave them the 'it wont hang around' message and then where will we be?

At the moment we can't decide whether to get carers in or to go the warden controlled route. There is a 2 bedroomed apartment available but we will need to take it now if we want it as its in one of the nicer places and they rarely come up available. Think my parents ideally want to remain at home but them if they find its too much in 6 months then we would possibly have trouble finding a decent place that is close.

Will give myself a talking to over feeling guilty, I am lucky as I am close to them and I know how much they appreciate everything I do otherwise it would be harder to cope with.

My mother in law who is 10 years younger than my parents has been making comments that make me realise she is eyeing me up as their potential carers once they need help, all I could think was nnnnnooooooooooooo

ZanyWany I agree with everyone about not giving in to the guilt. Yes, it’s really hard but you have a big circle of people who need you, which includes your parents but also includes YOU!

ZanyWany - don't feel guilty about getting carers in, you have young kids and work and have your own life. They could need care for years if they don't go into a warden assisted place.

It's great they already have attendance allowance - meet with some carers at your DPs house and take it from there.
Only do what you are genuinely prepared to do, and organise carers for the rest.

That's very true Zany.

It's good that your DH is supportive. I'm so glad I'm no longer married as XH didn't get on with parents and it would have been an absolute nightmare having to deal with him having tantrums about how much I was seeing them in top of everything else. He was bad enough when I used to see them once a week whilst he was out doing his hobby, but as soon as his mum/family were involved it was a case 'they say jump, we say how high?'

I think what hard Minty is you imagine how your life will be and it looks good but then it takes some adjusting to get to terms with the fact that you are going down a different path

Thank you thesandwich and Minty. So far it's just me going in most days and my older daughter who is 15 stays over one night a week. They have a cleaner and get attendance allowance. We have just started to look at warden controlled places nearby and are looking into getting a few hours help a day. Struggling with getting someone in as I feel I should be doing it.

I have also reached out to my brother and sisters and said that we need to do something as I can't visit daily but our parents need the help.

My grandparents lived with us when I was a teenager so I thought I would do the same but would need to build an extension and give up work but we desperately need my wage as my husbands business isn't bringing in any money. Not quite how I thought new married life would be but thankfully my husband is very supportive.

That makes me sound selfish and I am really not but after a failed marriage and a couple of really crap relationships I just wanted to enjoy married life with my family but have more worry than before

You really don't sound selfish.

FWIW I've only been in my own home.for just over a year, having lived with parents for nearly 2 years whilst going through a pretty horrible divorce.

At the beginning of the year I was looking forward making some more time for myself, getting slimmer and fitter, renewing my social life and maybe even starting dating.

Then 2 weeks in my dad had his accident and here we are.

Just bought go wheelchair shopping with mum...cockroach one and all

yolo love the blog! V funny.
zany hard won wisdom on here is do what only you can do and get help in. Do they have attendance allowance? Carers? Age uk or carers association can offer help and advice.
Try and outsource what you can. You deserve space to be happy.
nota what an interesting achievement!!
dint hope so goes well- and you find out about the planes...
Here managed to get gp home visit for dm who was complaining about a painful knee following her fall a few weeks back- she was a bit miffed he confirmed the best treatment was frozen peas which i had been advocating for over a week... at least no a and e/ X-ray trip this time thank heavens as I’m full of cold and dealing with other tough stuff......
cockroach, 🍰🍰🍫🍫☕️☕️And Lemsips to all......

Hi again, back to give a bit more info.

I am carer to both my parents who are in their 80's, my Dad has vascular dementia and my Mum has reduced mobility and recently fell and broke her wrist and now has nerve damage. I have 3 other siblings but 2 live over 100 miles away and the other lives round the corner from my parents as I do.

Feeling overwhelmed at the moment as I am basically the only one who does anything to help them although my siblings who don't live close are a big help when they do come up but it's the day to day stuff I am struggling with. I work part time and have 3 children, youngest is only 6 and my step son has just come to live with us after his Mum kicked him out. Not even been married a year (married old sweetheart last year after not seeing him for 27 years) but I and we never get any time to ourselves. I am close to my parents but feel a bit overwhelmed with the burden of looking after them/worrying about them. That makes me sound selfish and I am really not but after a failed marriage and a couple of really crap relationships I just wanted to enjoy married life with my family but have more worry than before.

It's all so hard isn't it

flyingmonkey

I wish my Dad could use that website, he'd love it.

Planes have been his hobby since he was kid but he couldn't do his National Service as he has TB as a kid so RAF was never an option.

He got offered an apprenticeship designing commercial aircraft when he was 21 but didn't want to leave his then girlfriend, who dumped him the following year.

I suppose it's just as well as I wouldn't be here otherwise!

Dint your dad sound lovely (I'm sure I would revise that if I was in receipt of the calls though). In a previous lifetime I designed a booklet identifying all the aircraft and missiles of the RAF, the current incarnation (not mine) is online www.raf.mod.uk/aircraft/ but is only active aircraft, and RAF, which may be no help whatsover.

If you can get a pic of the back of the book and post it on here my dad might be able to help out!

I too want to know what the planes on the back of the book are! history of the RAF? had a long and mangled convo with DM once about getting hearing aids for her computer - it eventually turned out she meant speakers

MrsCat what dint said, and also please remember that everyone in the whole wide world would do better, more, and far more often than you! In reality, you can only do what you can do and it sounds as if you have more than enough on your plate. Does your mum have carers in the day? get the full amount of DLA/carers allowance etc?

In other news, oldies on here will remember that I was writing a book and some expressed interest. Agents/publishers not very interested, so I've started a blog instead. It is meant to be funny (!) but probably only if you like dogs... you can have a look at www.tammiewin-ettingatlife.com if you would like to, am sure MN will delete me if this is not allowed.

Hi all. I though about posting this in AIBU but decided it would be a wiser move to post here. I’ve posted before about my DM (has mild dementia and very limited mobility, among other things) And DF (who has bowel cancer among other things). They live in the same house they have lived in for the last 40 years, with carers coming in once a day to help.

DF is now in hospital having his bowel cancer op. In his absence I have been staying overnight every night with DM and then visiting DF and then heading back to my own home for a few hours ( I live an hour away) before heading back to DMs for the night. I’ve also organised for additional carers to come in to supervise supper.

Today I received a phone call from a neighbour/friend of my parents saying DM had headed out across the street to find a neighbour to fix her TV and she was found clinging to a lamppost without her door key. Neighbour insists DM needs 24 Hour care and that I should head straight back (but she can’t sit with my DM in the meantime).

Yes it was a pretty stupid thing for DM to do but I don’t think this means automatically that she can’t be left alone at all. It’s a sunny day and they live on a quiet lane. So AIBU? Should I ignore the neighbour? Or am I being stupid?

Charley "I don't know what you can do as I'm a bit pissed "

this must be a candidate for that "favourite line on MN" thread

Japonica The sibling with the PofA and your father sound like they have a plan together, tbh. That plan sounds like it includes not paying out for carers? Any chance you would talk to them about this?

Hi Japonica - I don’t have any answers but I can sympathise. My mum had a bad fall in November and broke her ankle- we finally got her home a few weeks ago with carers 4x a day.

Since then, we’ve had 2 rounds of the UTI and falling circus. The first time, by complete coincidence, I was staying and my uncle was in the area so we were able to cope overnight when she needed 2 handed care - by the end of the weekend the antibiotics had kicked in and she was mobile again. 3 weeks later we weren’t so lucky and she’s back in hospital.

My dad died years ago so we only have mum to negotiate with! The issue we found with the carers was mum didn’t want to eat at set times and was “resistant to assistance” (!!!). A live-in companion might help with the timing issue, but the social worker is sceptical that mum would be any more co-operative.

Toofar my DM had an advocacy officer for about 4 months. This was while my DSis and I we’re applying for Guardianship and she was under section.

Hello Japonic I feel your pain.
I don't know what you can do as I'm a bit pissed ( don't usually drink in the week).
I can emphathuse as my brother has moved in with my mum, he cancelled her carers as 'they were useless' (his opinion) and is not keen on her getting different ones. However my mum needs and wants carers as we are not always there. She's also deaf.

If your dad is worried about money that carers cost can they claim attendance allowance?

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