The second new shiny 2019 thread ...

Mere actually, I don't think I've ever really "looked forward" to talking to my parents. It was just something on a to-do list.

Mere yes, maybe. She has always been someone who enjoys a moan, I think.

yolo well, I'm impressed, FWIW!

dint that is a good point actually. They are not all the same, and your dad sounds remarkable. With my mum, she had been widowed for 22 years and she just kind of lost the understanding that relationships are reciprocal I think. ditto thoughts re grace.

rosa yes mine could suck the joy out of any thing... so depressing and makes it impossible to share anything? because you know it will be knocked down somehow. Too many examples, but one is: my best friend's daughter died, aged 19, from glioblastoma (brain cancer). So we set up a charity to raise funds for research (£190k in just over 2 years so far) and all my mum could say was "how is your do-gooding going?" I think she was actually quite proud, but couldnt bring herself to be nice about it...

yolo

you really went above and beyond for your DM.

does anyone else find they are in a great mood, having a lovely day, or even just a nice average day - then speak to an oldie and it gets flattened?! Some days are just Moaning Central with my mum.

Particularly annoyed today as she wanted to stay on the phone moaning - I'm going round for lunch tomorrow, it could have waited?

Oh yolo “No one person can provide everything someone else needs or wants...”

I think I might put this on a T shirt or something cockroach

thank you rosa I think contact will just dwindle actually. My kids are now adults (younger one is 20 tomorrow, HTF did that happen?!) so if they want to stay in contact with their cousins it will be up to them to drive it, I wont be seeking out DB for a while unless necessary. Although DN3 is due to have another baby in May, so I guess we will be in touch with her to send congrats, pressie etc, although she was 'disgusted' by my attitude to mum. OTH, DH has cancer and his sister has not been in touch since they came to lunch on New Year's Day, so what do I know about families? Rather hope I've pegged it before the DDs reach this kind of impasse...

yolo when you've finished the estate, I'd go NC with your brother.

I do find it much easier to leave than most people though. Blood doesn't mean much, if anything, to me. There was a thread where some poor poster got absolutely blasted because she felt her parents hadn't done anything for her and therefore didn't want to do much in their old age. I totally understood that. If my folks hadn't bust a gut for me, I definitely wouldn't do it for them.

sorry, that was so long! to cut a long story short: I KNOW that everyone on here is doing absolutely the best they can for their oldies in very difficult circumstances. Don't let anyone tell you that you are not xx

rosa, yes, kind of. It's hard to explain.

He had a terrible relationship with our father, mum was very protective of him and less so of me - but dad and I adored each other, and I also adored my mum and brother. I think there was always huge resentment from him to me but for the most part he was just my big brother (6 years older) and I really loved him. Having said that, I do remember when I was about 10 him standing behind me as we waved off family visitors and he put his hands round my throat so hard that I saw stars. NO ONE ever believed me, until after the shouting episode when mum said she thought actually it was quite possible (yeah, thanks mum, I'm now 57 and I've never forgotten it!)

Having to get in between them was absolutely shocking, I agree; but I am brave and my mum was not and I am also very protective of those I love. It was a horrible experience, but I had kind of forgotten it until mum was dying and no one but me (and my own family) would admit it. She might not have been physically dying but I knew she would never come back mentally, and maybe because I am brave (I think) I knew she would be better off dead than in pain, terrified and demented. But DB and family are all of the 'oh isnt everything lovely" frame of mind, whereas in this house we are pretty bloody realistic.

So, when DB and SIL tried to guilt trip about how horrible I am - for being realistic, which apparently made their 3 mid-30s daughters cry (wtf?) - I really did think that perhaps I wasnt doing enough.

But hindsight is such a marvellous thing... over the summer when she was in one particular home I was driving 40 miles a day 5-6 days a week, spending time with her, picking up stuff she needed, doing her washing, looking after her house and cat, trying to support her mentally, arguing with the home about her care, basically running myself ragged. And they came for 3 days, spent hours with her on each day, and told me how I must be the most expensive visitor on the planet because I was using mum's money for the 200 miles a week I was driving!

At the time, when you're in the midst of it, you think omigod, are they right - but to all of you struggling with tricky sibs, no they bloody aren't you are doing the best you can do with the circumstances you've got. Don't ever forget that. No one person can provide everything someone else needs or wants...

cockroach mes amis

yolo are you saying your brother treated you and your DM badly because of his own guilt?

I'm not sure what kind of a relationship I could have there. You having to stand between them has shocked me a bit.

yolo thank you for that moment of clarity. That explains things perfectly. And I am so glad you can see that you did the best you could.
His s#£& not yours. 🌺🌺
nota I hear you..... dB even asked me to book lunch for him and dm( which I wasn’t attending) at a local pub which they had been to many times before - internet anyone?? Perhaps it doesn’t work where they live?...
dint love the robot cat!!!
Hope the sun is shining on all you cobbles and willow sticks.
cockroach my friends.......

It's interesting how many of us take on that projected guilt, and the clear message that we could/should be doing more, be it from siblings, Drs, neighbours, etc.

Very often when I try to get DB to take on tasks he will either say I don't know how to do that, or ask me so many questions I could have done it myself in the time, or agree to things and drop out at the last minute. I am pretty sure his DW thinks the responsiblity for these things lies with me as the daughter round the corner.

Absolutely right Yolo. Very well explained and I agree with all you said. Funny how in the middle of other things the moments of clarity suddenly appear.

And I should be proud of what I did, and actually, I am.

Something to aspire to, yolo : none of us could have better to say

Actually, on the subject of guilt, I have just literally this minute had a kind of epiphany, which I will try to explain... sorry might be a bit long and rambling.

I was the 'daughter round the corner' for mum for 20 years - increasingly more so over the last 10 as her health declined. I did the day to day grind, admin, shopping, taking to appointments, liaison with whoever etc. Visited at least 5 days out of 7 and then more often as she got worse, accompanied by the DDs as and when they were around, all while running my own life/work/home. Dealt with all the medical emergencies, the calling the ambulances, the hospital admissions etc.

DB and SIL got to ride in like the famous white knights for 3-4 days here and then, taking mum out for little lunches, to the garden centre, planting her pots for her, doing manly things like changing light bulbs. So they were the perceived heroes - because they were fresh and interesting, and because when they visited they didn't have real life to deal with.

Yet DB feels terrible guilt about the way my mother died (on previous threads) and lays enormous blame on me for not being caring enough, for not accepting his status quo - she's lovely, she'll be fine. To the point where we had a terrible argument (instigated by SIL actually) and our relationship I dont think will ever be the same again.

Despite the fact that he was the white knight, I can remember, about 5 years ago, him being absolutely vicious to our mum, to the point where I had to physically stand in between the two of them - she was 83ish then and very frail; I am 5'4", he is 5'11", and I had to literally get in between them because of his verbal abuse and standing over her while she cowered in her chair.

But I have just realised: that's all about HIS guilt, not my guilt. I did every bloody thing I could for 10 years, it might not have matched his expectations, but that doesn't matter when you are not the person on the ground doing the daily grind. I have no guilt to bear for what happened to mum - it was truly awful, but I did the best I could at every stage. And I should be proud of what I did, and actually, I am.

Sorry, that was a bit of a rant!

Very trueMere and Charley* that they could be ok for 5-10 years but I would definitely burn out by then

yolo I have said to DH that I am happy to help his parents when older but primary care needs to be SIL. Saw them tonight and they both seem keen on warden controlled so just need to talk to siblings

I think the warden flat might be a great option Zany. And as others have said parents can need some sort of care for years and years.. my DM has been reliant on others for 15-20 years now and is still going strong, in her frail way, but needing more and more care. My boundary is one evening visit per week and one daytime visit at the weekend. But there's all the other stuff to constantly do for them. How did my life get like this? Anyway I'm sure I'm repeating myself here..

oh FGS, not only hit return too soon but posted first bit twice. More reqd.