The second new shiny 2019 thread ...

Oh nota I am sorry you have so much s#£& going on. 🌺🌺
jonty so sorry about your dm- can quite understand your feelings. No wisdom to add.
yolo sending support through the ether.
cockroach all.

Evening all, not often on here now as my lovely DH helps keep my head level when it comes to my mum, but she rang me this afternoon to say the hospital rang her today (on Easter Monday) to request she comes in on Friday, as xrays she had after a fall last Tuesday have now revealed a shadow on the bone. Several things are screwing with my head:
A) Why the fuck have they only just noticed?
B) She had a major fall with several lacerations, can barely move let alone walk, but suggested she might get a taxi there and was shocked and downright grumpy when I told her in no uncertain terms that her only route to that appointment would be via hospital transport, as they can lift her over the steps out of her home and safely transport her all the way in. My mother likes a swift service(!), and while hospital transport isn’t it, I refuse to try to get her out of the house on foot down her front steps (we’re waiting for a ramp to be put in), when I know for sure I couldn’t catch her if she fell (I severely injured my foot 4 weeks ago and have only just got my boot off).
C) I have straight away rearranged my day to be there at the appointment with her, so meeting her once hospital transport have dropped her off. She is still grumpy at this as she doesn’t believe she needs hospital transport (as long as everyone around her is willing to put themselves at risk of injury trying to catch her, including my 84 year old Uncle, who is in fact older than her but one of her main carers alongside the paid ones and me).
4) I know a shadow on the bone could mean cancer and the speed of appointment doesn’t suggest good news, and I also know that with all her current health issues, chemo and radiotherapy are not possible and she would probably not survive the treatment, let alone any underlying issues. And yet I feel quite numb and very matter-of-fact. I don’t know if she’s had so many dreams and dramas that I’ve just become immune to it, or if calmly managing her medical appointments is correct. Any thoughts appreciated...

sandwich nota big hugs from me xx

Life has been relentlessly shit here for the best part of a year. Things terrible with DS. Had to force myself to visit DM yesterday, and listen to her whinge on about everyone and everything. I couldn't even stay to finish my coffee as I just wanted to scream at her selfishness.

yolo that poor girl. How unbelievably tragic that someone so young could feel that was their only option. No words for that really, except MH provision, especially for young people in this country, is fucking awful.

minty that sounds awful. Nothing helpful to add except try and look after yourself. You can’t fix things for your dm.
yolo I am so sorry to hear that news. Your poor dd and friends. No words.

And it makes me think, about our oldies who piss us off: just fuck off with your arthritis, and your aches and pains and the neighbour who breathes at you funny: YOU LIVED, however awful it is now that you are 80 something, you bloody LIVED. cockroach.

minty that sounds bloody hard.

Not been a great day here: one of DD2's school friends hung herself at uni; her body was discovered by another mutual school friend (they all used to dance together, uni is a big dance place). That poor poor girl, and the poor friend who found her. The ripples across so many people. There is a massive fundraising campaign to get her mum over from USA so she can repatriate her baby. Just absolutely bloody tragic. They are all around 19/20 years old.. just such a bloody waste.

My DM has been a complete nightmare.

I know it's because she's worried about everything and anxious about me going back to work, but these circumstances just seem to make her totally self-obsessed and at time downright vicious...if I repeated some of her gems from the last couple of days of probably be referred to the Stately Homes thread and told to go NC.

My poor best mate had to deal with my having an epic meltdown on the phone this morning.

When I was married I saw my parent's on the same day every week which did take the pressure off to some extent for the other days, but resulted in huge tantrums if I wanted/needed to do something else on 'their' day.

I've tried to avoid getting back in that kind if pattern since moving into my own place but am thinking it might actually be the best option now things have reached this point.

Hopefully mum would be less anxious if she knew when I would be around for a bit of support, and I might be able to compartmentalize and feel less guilty about not being available for them 24/7.

Personally I have kept to my boundaries with my DM, and seen her as much as I feel able to, not more, but might also pop over there early evening (if I haven't got too drunk on rose this lovely afternoon).

I am lucky in that she is actually a sweet person, and now that my sibling has moved in with her, it's taken the pressure off me.

Hi Minty thanks for sharing that website. Maybe that you noticed LoveHoney means there's an area of your life you need to explore or revive?!

How's everyone's Easter weekend going?

Last 24 hours have been pretty hideous here but frankly cba to go into it. Let's just say I'm feeling all the cockroaches again today .

Anyway, I came on because I just found this website www.discountsforcarers.com which I though be of use to someone. Had to laugh at 20% discount for Love Honey...I haven't the time, energy or space for dating let alone an actual sex life!

jesus bert I hope you've told the overseas (unhelpful) sister to piss off? xx

Bert what a fecking stupid thing for overseas sister to say.

Minty I must admit, I would probably let your mum take your dad to the hospital etc, you are working full time aren't you? If there will be a follow up letter then that's really the info you need.

it's easier said than done, I know.

And breathe.

Hello and cockroach to all. Glad the treatment is nearly done, yolo.

Aaaaaaàaargh! I may actually bloody KILL.

My dad has just booked mum in to a good home for 2 weeks respite in a few weeks. Awesome! Huge and very necessary step for the poor sod, she is deteriorating relentless and the poor man is exhausted and miserable.

So what does my idiot sister overseas say? Oh, she says, I'm a bit worried the home won't be able to cope with mum, so maybe dad should only have short breaks.

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YOU STUPID ARSE!! They are literally experts in dementia. It's what they do, in shifts, for good money. If they can't cope, what the HELL do you think an 80 year old retired engineer can manage, 24/7 with fuck all sleep?

God I could cheerfully wring her stupid neck.

...cats are Good and bouncing on them is Bad.

You must have very tolerant cats...mine would absolutely be bouncing on the dog!

As for solicitors...my divorce solicitor was lovely...like a cross between Elle Woods in Legally Blonde and a particularly feisty Rottweiler...just what you want really, but I think she was on holiday about every 4-6 weeks.

Absolutely no-one Rosa.

In theory mum could take him, she does drive, but can't cope with rush hour traffic and her own health issues tend to be at their most erratic first thing.

By the time you add in her being highly strung and hard of hearing it's a bit of a non-starter. She's also very prone to exaggerate whatever the docs say (when I'm feeling kind I like to give her the ebenfit of the doubt and put it down to her hearing issues ) so I don't feel I can be entirely confident I'm getting an accurate picture of things unless I go along myself.

I feel your pain with the lack of appreciation too, on both counts really.

I tried for a long time to get dad out and doing things but largely gave up in the end.

Mum is constantly complaining about how busy she is but is one of those people who just can't sit down/hand the reins over to someone else, so she largely brings it on herself.

It is frustrating.

Minty is there anyone around who can help more with things like taking dad to GP?

I help out with a bunch of oldies - apologies for the expression - round my way. I'm in London so not usually driving but take friends' parents to hospital or GP sometimes - I work part time.

I realise your dad might not be comfortable with that though.

last time I posted, mum was moaning about a lunch thing she arranged - I thought it was lovely and I did all the fetching and carrying on the day. (she did the cooking, she likes cooking). After it, she said "well that was all right I suppose" with a grudging face.

if she would rather relax into a quiet old age sitting by a chair, I certainly wouldn't judge, but I feel like she organises things, then moans. She's debating some garden trips but it's all going to mean trains out of London etc and then she'll shrug and say "it's all right here, I guess". So not sure whether to encourage or discourage.

by the time we've dealt with Tube and train connections, got her to the place and round the place, it's so much moaning, even if she asked us to do it. My sister copes better than I do so maybe I'll just let them get on with it. I don't know how some people find the humour to deal with all that negativity?

sorry, that is not a moan considering what others are dealing with.

False alarm...turns out dad was having one of his raging depressive moments and mum flew into a panic as per...

Basically he's achy, a bit uncomfortable and very pissed off with life in general. I gave him a gentle but no-nonsense talking to then let the carer take over with the practical stuff and left him watching TV having put away a large bowl of banana porridge.

As much as mum drives me a bit made with her drama llama-ing I do think it stems from.the fact that she really needs a break.

Anyway back home (for now) and going to make some hot cross buns and then do some more fence painting after lunch.

Tuesday morning I've got to get Dad down to hospital for urgent x-ray at 8.30am then back to his GP for results at 11am, then into work.

I was supposed to be going to my counselling session and into work for 11am so have told work I'll be late a d will just have to see how fast dad gets seen. I'm hoping it'll be quick and I can park him somewhere with a cuppa whilst I see my counsellor but realistically can't see that working.

Oh dear, MintyCedric, that doesn't sound good. Sending you great reserves of patience

Loving the idea of a cat or cats who let(s) DDog bounce, though, yolo 😀

Two weeks off, seen The Olds every other day, even managed to get dad out for a pub lunch on his birthday on Tuesday...then just as I'm gearing up to go back to work...bam!

Took him to GP with mum yesterday expecting results of chest x-ray from 10 days ago. No results have arrived, GP was unable to get hold of anyone to read them over the phone and was not at all happy with his pulse/sound of his chest. She suspects he may have a pleural effusion (fluid at the base of his right lung), and was in two minds whether to have him admitted to hospital, but as he was very anti, there was no x ray results and bugger all is likely to happen over the weekend...

...and have now just had a call from Mum to say dad is insisting he's dying and refusing to get up...off I go again.

All the cockroaches

Thanks yolo - love the trifle😉😉 i always said to dm I left cake baking to my friend mark spencer as I couldn’t be bothered/ etc so hence procurement rather than manufacture.....
Good news about the house!!! Your solicitor sounds pants.
And good animal news... that must have been a bit hairy with turf wars....

Procurement is a very important and grown-up role nota, not to be trifled with (see what I did there?!!) I love trifle, raspberry preferably.

Good news about falls team, walking frame and physio - fingers xd.

In my good news of the day: mum's lovely buyers have found some more dosh so it looks like we might be on course again, more fingers xd. They are really nice people, and they really want her house so I hope it goes through smoothly.

That's if her weasel solicitor doing the probate can get his arse in gear - he is on holiday again, that's the third time since Christmas!! His assistant has the brain of a hamster, phoned today to ask a question, she had to access the file in another room; then asked a supplementary question and she had to put me on hold while she went back to the file in another room. Would you not either bring the file to the phone, or the phone to the file, like just in case someone might have more than just the one question?? OTH I was lucky to get hold of her, as she is usually 'at lunch' anytime between 12 noon and 2.30pm.

Oh and Ddog who has been here 6 months now has reached an uneasy truce with mum's cat who we took in - this is massive progress, as dog's main desire up until now has been to bounce on any/all of the 3 cats. Hoping she might finally have realised now that cats are Good and bouncing on them is Bad.

cockroach yolo- still here. I’ll do the cakes- procurement rather than manufacturing is my speciality.....
Had a very good visit from the local falls team for mum- v impressed.
New walking frame delivered next day. Physio at home booked.
Hope everyone is enjoying the sunshine.

everyone is very quiet ? I hope that means the mouldy oldies are all behaving and you are all busy planning the Tether's End Fete! Silent Gigolos are booked, the Octogenarian Death Slide team are on the case and making sure the necessary H&S precautions are in place, and dint is girding her loins to ensure the gin tent stays upright and reasonably clean!!