The second new shiny 2019 thread ...

Mere I could but frankly I cba. It's her money after all.

Grinchly I am so sorry to hear about Lovely Friend, that's terrible. Was your mum scared to go out on the drive, is that something she doesn't normally do?

Minty thanks. I shouldn't be spending so I will hold off for now!

Mate of mine said to me that, just as many of us are entirely different people over the course of our lives, the parent you have in their 80s could be an entirely different one than the one you are sort of used to.

Rosa there are a few questions on that website but no specific requirements. It lists lots of different offers (not just for carers) and I guess different companies have different criteria.

I looked at the website for a place Dad would like to go for a day out over the weekend. They accept various 'proof' of carer status including DWP letters, blue badges etc which means that as a carer you can get in free. They also do free pre-bookable wheelchair loan.

The website contains lots of details about places that offer carer discounts etc so it's definitely worth a look.

sandwich I totally get the 'high alert' feeling but wouldnt have actually been able to identify it until I read your post. That's basically been me since mid January.

I used the Calm app (actually paid for the subscription) and its really helpful.

rosa, seriously thank you for reminding me what could help. So easy to lose sight in the trenches!! Thank you.
grinchly! Huge hugs. Your M is a piece of work...... speechless!

Hello All

Infrequent visitor here, but absolutely with you all in spirit.

Cockroaches all round.

Sandwich - huge hugs to you. I hope the siblings step up. It's absolutely not fair it should all fall on you.

Well, I've had a real eye-opener; I thought my flabber could no longer be gasted by Mother, but...

She has a lovely friend (LF) who lives round the corner, aged 90, who has serious mobility issues but otherwise absolutely on the ball.

I've chatted to her a few times over the last year or two, and it's like talking to someone 20 or 30 years younger. Such a wide range of interests and so very kind. Lovely, lovely lady.

Anyway, M has refused to go on their regular lunch dates for the last month or two. So LF got a taxi round the corner to visit M to cheer her up.

She fell on Mum's drive as she arrived, and long story short, has a broken pelvis and a broken arm.

M didn't feel able to go out to her, as she lay in agony, but stayed in the house.

Eventually, LF's son and an ambulance were summoned somehow. Son borrowed some scatter cushions from M to make LF comfy as they waited for the paramedics, and these were taken with her to hospital.

All, ALL, M is now concerned about now is the return of these damn cushions. When she heard I had spoken to LF's son., all she wanted to know was whether I had asked he return them. Of course that was the last thing on my mind!

On the one hand it is gobsmacking; on the other, there is an old chime of familiarity - this is how she has always been within the family - selfish to the last, if masking it a bit in front of strangers.

Dementia is not improving matters either.

sandwich I tried the meditation class in absolute desperation tbh. I never thought sitting in a class with people would help anything, but it was down the road from work so I went and it was good.

I just want to be sure I don't come across as offering mad solutions to incredibly stressful things btw!

Yesrosa trying to get them to take some responsibility... I don’t hold my breath.
Good tip re meditation, thank you.
cockroach all.
🌺🌺

Big hugs to all who need them on this thread and patience to all those coping with difficult parents. I was working for 3 days of the long weekend but still managed to fit in a couple of visits to my parents (who needed some DIY doing). Thankfully my DH was around to help.

sandwich do you mean frank convos with siblings to see if they will help?

yes, I hate the high alert thing. I went to some meditation classes which helped actually.

Thanks yolo and rosa
Carer has stepped up- dm a bit better. Had frank convos with siblings- awaiting to see the impact........ won’t hold my breath.....
Feel on high alert which is not helpful😞😞

yolo oh I know, but mum doesn't want to go near the DWP and also thinks we shouldn't be entitled to it. Morals re universal benefits. Fair point.

I am tempted by the discount site as I was planning to replace my ancient ipad but if you need to be on an official list, clearly I'm not. Interestingly it's not on their terms and conditions. Like Amazon constantly offering Prime Student I guess!

rosa attendance allowance is well worth having, mine used it for cleaner/gardener etc. you can only get carers allowance if you earn less than £100 a week.

sandwich hope today brings some clarity/plans.

nota quite!

sandwich oh dear, what a nightmare. Is the carer around a lot?

That carer discount website - presume you have to be claiming Carer's Allowance to register? We're not at that stage yet. I did think about it, but mum would argue that nothing we do for her constitutes care, which may be true.

I'm sure we could get Attendance Allowance but she doesn't want to go down that road either.

oh sandwich the hugest of hugs to you, and for the coming days too. Is there enough care in place? Do you and sibs have to rally round?
cockroach

Just checking in. Going t@#s up here- dm post fall now cannot walk.
Been there most Of the day- carer putting her to bed now.
Carer will get her up but it’s gonna be tough.
Had honest convos with two siblings.... I’m not h9lding my breath how this translates to help.
cockroach all.......

Rosa I also thought that Fleabag quote was quite apt.

I think that our elderlies are living far beyond the previous generation. The wonderful NHS is keeping them going physically... so they can moan at us.

rosa, my DM was pretty much my responsbility for 10 years, physical decline, becoming less able etc. She was driving up until 18 months before she died - huge relief when she gave up. I didnt do personal care - she didnt need it - but I was her crutch I suppose.

Mentally totally exhausting, and the worse she got the worse our relationship got. Basically because she could find nothing positive in life a lot of the time, she moaned all the time, it was really draining. Then you chuck in the falls, the dashes to A&E, the various bouts of pneuomonia, the UTIs blah blah. But if I hadnt been round the corner I dont know what would have happened... The last 5 months was the worst, and I could only feel relief when she died, in hospital - which is a whole other saga.

Sorry, that was long and all about me!! but yes, it is hard - dont underestimate how hard and how long it can go on for, and try and protect yourself however you can.

apologies for bringing Fleabag into the thread but...I thought it was really interesting that the younger woman marrying the older man said to Fleabag "I'm sure you'd rather I took care of him in his dotage than you and your sister". It was quite out of the blue and I thought it was a really good point.

thanks yolo

mum is increasingly deteriorating. I would say frailty is her main thing. she can't do very much. so one thing about putting distance between us is that doing even a long weekend visit would be quite grim.

at least with boring admin I have done something, I guess.

I did say to her that I can probably stick London for another 2-5 years and she said "oh well, I'll probably be dead by then"!!

you say "I'm wiped out from my own DM and she's been dead 6 months". This worries me tbh. I mean, I can imagine long term care being awful to do, and then taking a long time to recover from.

rosa I hear you loud and clear.

I dont know whether it's better to be so close that you can turn round a daily visit in an hour and then fuck off; or whether it's better to be further away so that you cant actually be expected to do the daily visit?

Certainly, as the daughter round the corner I took all the flak, and the boring admin, and when DB and SIL came from 250 miles away they were new and interesting, and as they were on 'holiday' were able to do nice things with mum, rather than fitting her in between daily life.

math nice to see your face as it were, familiar from so many other threads, but its one of those clubs people dont really want to join... however we are warts an' all types here! I am just waiting for my PIL to become the needy ones, MIL was looking awful at Easter and her mobility has really declined. DH and his sister can sort it, I'm wiped out from my own DM and she's been dead 6 months.

I am new to this thread, watching with interest. Not even a carer as such yet but the day is coming soon.

Minty nota I feel for you both. What does "twanging" mean? I nearly lost my patience with mum this weekend.

Jonty it's good that you feel calm and rational. I am going to be blunt and say something that might be wrong, but it struck me because I've been there....It might be that you are relieved because perhaps it seems like some kind of end might be in sight. My dad was diagnosed with a particularly deadly cancer. I was relieved that he refused treatment. I think it was a very wise decision for him, but also the right decision for the rest of the family.

I posted on other threads about moving away from London and feeling I couldn't because of mum. However, I have now floated the idea to her. She's talking about going to a retirement flat. I did say that if I leave London and she goes to a flat, then maybe she could just come with me - my plan is to head for Sussex - but she's a bit unsure about that because she feels there'll be nothing for her to do.

I didn't mean to raise it actually, but summer in London just makes me want to rip my hair out and people seem to be living to about 100!

also not sure what value there will be for either of us in being near each other if all she does is moan.

the fact that things change constantly is one of the hardest things about the elderly parent problem. I wonder if it's better to just say, well, I have no control over her health or her moods, but I do have control over where I live.

I'm sure a lot of the moaning just comes from being sick of being alive and I do understand that, but understanding doesn't make it easier to hear and just increases the feeling that I don't want to spend time with her.

I mentioned upthread that parents have always felt like a chore so it's not going to get better.

sorry not to read all posts because falling asleep here...

but yolo I can so relate to that feeling of "fuck off, you lived". I don't want to get old and don't want to seem so unsympathetic, but some of the moans I get from mum that she thinks are actual problems....it's not a lot, but enough to annoy me!

Hugs to all this evening.

yolo that is horrific - her poor family, and the girl that found her

nota it's not always possible to find the patience is it? I was twanging within a few minutes of walking through the door yesterday (hormonal).

jonty ikwym about the constant dramas and becoming immune to them. My mum is a walking medical textbook and constantly poring over Dr Google. Whenever she mentions her health issues I tend to semi detach. Wasn't so great 18 months when she was admitted to hospital and we all (paramedics included) suspected it was a panic attack alongside a touch of angina, and it turned out to actually be a minor heart attack . That said her most recent health scare was a growth underneath her toenail which necessitated a trip to see a private consultant who took a sample. When the review came round she mentioned the possibility that it could be a malignant melanoma and with her diabetes could mean amputation. I assumed the consultant I'd told her this and dropped everything to go with her. Turned out to be bruise underneath her toenail that was taking a particularly long time to grow out...