The second new shiny 2019 thread ...

snort Dint !!! fantastic, did it have his name on it?!!

Minty oh, that's a relief!

Ah Rosa...that was a typo...meant to say she was already mellowing now I was back .

Tbf she doesn't really do shouting/swearing either

Minty I noticed you used the word "bellows"? I must admit, I don't deal with shouters at all, I just refuse to.

Rosa my mum is a very, ahem, complex woman .

More issues than Vogue and in many instances for good reason. I don't think there a great deal to be done with regards to her behaviour. She's had and is currently having counselling, but of course they will only hear things and be able to advise from her somewhat skewed perspective.

Yesterday wasn't too bad. We had a much lesser flare up last weekend which was much harder to cope with as I was stressed about returning to work and had raging PMT.

All I can do is just try to cope with things as they occur and find ways of managing my own reactions.

Minty

I know everyone's got to wrangle their folks the way they have to....

I wonder why she's having a go at you? My mum actually prefers to be told "I'm not around on these dates". I actually used to put them on her calendar, but then she said "actually don't worry about that, you should just live your life as you would" - she doesn't have any health issues other than general frailty IYSWIM.

I see you want your mum to have less time to "have a go" at you but I'm wondering why she'd have a go at you anyway?

contrary to what's usually said, life can be very very long, especially in the context of oldie wrangling. I would think it's worth a final effort to close down that kind of behaviour - but apologies if you have tried 100x already!

sandwich sending you....pillows? There's no emoji.

That's good Mere.

You're probably right about not telling her. I do try to get away with minimal information but she has a way of digging!

I started with 'just to let you know I won't be around much today as I'm meeting some friends for a long lunch...'

Mum: "Where"

Me: shit!

Tbh she has very long-standing, deep seated issues with people she loves not being close at hand anyway. I deliberately don't tell her things until the last minute so she has less time to stress (and have a go at me).

Chocolate, wine and cockroaches to all.

Mere I hope you managed to get at least some of your day. The green button thing is actually really handy to know. My dad is rubbish with tech but has an old skool mobile and could do that in the event of an emergency.

I had a day out today to meet some friends from another part of MN (about 90 mins from home as central for all of us). Didn't tell mum until I was just about to leave...cue epic meltdown on her part.

I went, anyway and had a good time and mum seems to be bellowing now I'm back ok.

I can only assume she thinks I should do nothing apart from work and be on call for them 24/7 from around the corner...oh dear.

hang on in there sandwich xx

Read all your updates- too knackered and consumed with dm’s Stuff at the mo to make much sense, but sending solidarity and strength to everyone.
yolo thanks for your perspective- very helpful.
cockroach all.
🍷🍷🌺🌺🍫🍫🥃🥃

I think space, and time, make a big difference. Until mum went completely doolally (mid Sep ish 2018?) visiting was difficult, hard work, I did a lot of feeding her, propping her up making her comfortable, constant reassurance, etc.

Once she'd completely lost it, I could actually see very little point visiting as it just seemed to make her more and more distressed. - I know that sounds hard as nails, but honestly, every time she saw me she would scream my name and ask me to take her home, which was absolutely impossible. Then she'd be away with the fairies again...

And dont start me on the bloody green button on the phone!!

I suppose what I am trying to say, probably cackhandedly, is that you can only do what you can do, and that also depends on the mental status of your oldie. Huge difference between physically frail and sharp as a tack, and physically frail and losing it, or just losing it...

I am just starting, 7 mths after DM died, to be able to remember how she was before the hideous last 5 mths of her life, and so start to miss her. Stupid thing: she left me a little folding pembroke table, very nice; DD2 is using it to do a jigsaw puzzle on, and I just think DM would have loved it if she'd known that was happening. Also her cat is now well settled with us (been here since last July, had to get used to existing 2 cats, and new dog who came in Oct), and that would have made her happy too.

cockroach

Mere not sure what you mean by green phone but my friend would vet her calls from her mum - if her mum didn't leave a message, she would then usually find someone to talk to in the home.

Too I'm so sorry to hear that. I'm not sure I could visit a parent with dementia tbh. That sounds awful, but I feel I've been through the wringer already.

There was a really helpful poster on another thread - I don't recall her name - told us about how her own mother ruined her health looking after her grandmother. It was good because it made me more realistic about the future.

Oh I could cry! (The background is DM is in hospital- she’d been at home with carers 4 times a day but it didn’t work out and she ended up with a UTI and a fall. I live 5 hours away). I’m here for the weekend but it’s so hard visiting her - she has dementia and we have the same conversation on repeat, which is always about when she can go home. Interspersed with an occasional reference to her wanting to die. She has no quality of life at all. It’s just so sad. But at the same time my patience only lasts for a while having the same conversation.

The SW had been talking about arranging a live-in carer for her, but I’m not even sure if that’s feasible any more- we’re having a meeting/call next week to discuss next steps.

In some ways we’ve been really lucky reading other people’s experiences- all the SW and hospital staff we’ve dealt with have been lovely.

Sorry- just needed to whinge!

Mere "Feel outraged that my precious day to catch up at home is threatened - not at all a daughterly feeling."

I think that's completely natural. I have a friend who told her mother's nursing home to never call her unless it was an emergency.

I agree that the permanent sense of being on call is very draining. I flinch when the landline rings as it’s rarely anything good. (And when my sibling is not taking their share of the load, I do feel a bit like an only child).

It's true @Minty, and I seen it so often...one sibling steps up to take some of the burden everyone else takes several large steps backwards🤨

HearHere

I'm an only too...it does bring a different layer of emotions/complications, but the most of the time I don't think having siblings would necessarily be any better.

For the majority of people I know dealing with elderly parents it tends to be one sibling that cops all the flack and having multiple opinions to take into account when things get contentious can be a right ball ache.

In many way I'm glad it's just me having to deal with it.

Hello to all of you on the thread😊 hope you don't mind me butting in, under various usernames I have long lurked and sometimes posted.
My parents are in their late 70s, no longer together, starting to have health problems starting to be weird and difficult, I am an only child my relationships with them have always been strained, I see this train coming down the tracks and I don't like the look of it at all

Hello all! Seeing some familiar names on the discharge from hospital thread reminded me that I hadn’t dropped in here for a while. Like many here, I’m keeping buggering on. , and cockroaches for all, according to your preference and need!

grinchly your mum poor lovely friend, I hope she gets better soon.

rosa I like dints argument about providing employment - my mum absolutely loved being able to do this (in fact a few years ago I decided I could no longer afford my cleaner - who is lovely but pretty ineffective - and mum insisted on paying her to come to me fortnightly!) She still comes to me, she's still lovely and a good friend now, but her cleaning skills lack something - although better than mine so I would never dream of saying anything!

DB has just phoned to ask if I have any news on mum's house sale - well, no, durr, else I would have phoned him? but reminds me I need to call agent tomorrow.