The second new shiny 2019 thread ...

I think I know 'the smell', is it a kind of rotten smell but also a bit of a chemical/plastic smell?

Spooky. Today I am emptying my wardrobe and giving it a thorough spring clean as I thought I smelled ‘the smell’ and was horrified.
My parents’ home had a distinctive smell of them which just appeared in the last five years. Could never work out whether it was lack of opening windows or lack of opening wardrobes and drawers. My parents’ home was a new build in 2005 and all their hone furnishings were circa then so not a historic over time smell... Even four years later some of my mum’s paperwork has the musk.
Only when we repainted their home to rent to pay care home fees did the ‘smell’ shift.
Now I’m trying to work out if a few of my mum’s cashmere jumpers have transferred the smell.
Thoughts and suggestions to rectify welcome.

Hotel California sounds about right.

We're at The Olds for dinner. Have been here 2 hours and mum has literally not stopped talking. Nearly every sentence is a question about something mind numbingly mundane or something I have no knowledge of/interest in (e.g. What's your XH up to this weekend?). She's not got her hearing aids in so I'm having to repeat nearly every answer at least once.

Dad is in the kitchen, washing up and farting loudly.

DD is on the sofa asleep having had a friend round for the last 2 nights...tbh I suspect she might me faking.

This was not the life I ordered!

Rosa I have had multiple goes at counselling over the years for various things, all on the NHS. The most useful re my relationship with Mum involved transactional analysis.

hear bit confused by the maths there, you're going for 100+?

also can't ask this anywhere else....does anyone else feel their EP smells a bit? It's not lack of washing. I originally thought it was a change of fabric conditioner...but now I think it might be as sort of elder care home smell. Sorry to ask.

Hotel California😱
What impact will this have on society if increasingly once we get to mid 50s we know that for the next 30 years our parents will be draining the life out of us
When my parents reach their mid 50s their parents died, and set them free

thanks all

Minty do you might if I ask, did you have counselling generally or specifically for the EP problems?

When I first posted here, someone posted about it being Hotel California and that idea still haunts me tbh! My mother's brother died at 89, having been a shell in a bed for a couple of years. He was the same as her - nothing specific wrong, just got more and more frail over the years.

she says to me to feel free to go and let her crack on - because I wanted to move to the countryside - but in reality if we reached that situation it makes more sense for her to come with me. She's conscious that most of her friends wouldn't be around at that point....

see, this is almost why I wonder about paying a therapist. How much can you go on about these depressing things without feeling like you should be paying someone to deal with hearing it?!

if I could just focus on the now then I wouldn't be thinking it, but perhaps it would be good to get it all out in the open any way.

I just sometimes feel really panicky about the future with mum.

It's impossible not to really. Obviously I don't want to lose my parents, but when I read about people dealing with parents in their late 80's/90's it absolutely terrifies me.

I have experienced feeling really resentful too. I didn't make the most of opportunities I've had in the past re education and career, never had the kahunas to travel, met XH at 21 settled down and then had DD at 28.

Last year, once the divorce was over, I had finally managed to buy my own place and with DD a bit more independent I thought I might be able to make up for lost time but now l realising there will still be limitations for potentially another 10 year or more.

I've struggled to come to terms with it, but counselling has helped massively and I've begun to make small decisions in my best interests and around what I want to do long term, rather than what I feel I should do/is expected of me.

Evening all.
rosa I understand completely- it’s fear about the future and coping. Feel the same with dm, 93 who is recovering a bit post fall but needing increasing support and input.
I think a lot of it is living each day at a time.... a bit twee but it’s all there is.
cockroach to everyone.

Finally I suppose that would seem quite stilted, I'm not sure.

having looked at it, the cost seems prohibitive in any case!

I just sometimes feel really panicky about the future with mum. Intellectually I know all the things that can be done and we might not even have to do them....she has a 93 year old friend who still runs her own errands in the high street.

I don't know, maybe I should focus more on not over-worrying.

Rosa how would you feel about talking to someone via Skype ? That would give you access to people beyond your immediate community.

hope everyone is managing okay with their aged ps

I am wondering something weird....is it ever possible for counselling to be anonymous?

I am finding it hard watching mum age and I panic over every stupid thing. Like today she bought the wrong buns in the supermarket. I know that's ridiculous to worry about ...it's a mistake I could have made.

but generally I do find watching a parent decline very hard. I was wondering about anonymous counselling which would have to be paid in cash I guess, because my mum is a figure in the local community. I suppose there's a risk of going anywhere in the local community but I also don't want to trek miles for therapy.

I tried to talk to my sister about it today. She thinks therapy would be good for me as well. she finds it easy to shrug off "well mum is old" but it makes me very anxious. I don't know what exactly that is about.

Yolo I don't really do Xmas but birthdays are important to me so that would be a bigger deal.

have you got plans of any kind?

I was out with some friends last night and one of them observed how great my mum is. He is barely in touch with either of his parents. It made me feel quite guilty moaning, my mum is great. I think sometimes ordinary life is so fast paced, spending time with mum feels a bit weird which is silly really.

Thank you. It's funny though, Christmas wasn't an issue.

Yolo, all good birthday wishes to you

Oh yolo I am so sorry. Sending you the hugest birthday hugxxx

self indulgent moan: I am 58 tomorrow, the first birthday I've ever had without my mum. And she was a bloody PITA in her later years, and her last 5 months were so bloody awful, but because of DH cancer, I've never had the chance to grieve for her. And I miss how she was, how funny she was, how supportive she could be, her take on life really before she became so... lesser, I suppose as she got frailer and frailer. I want my real mum back!

yolo sending hugs.
grace 🌺🌺 thinking of you.

Grace

I can understand that, take care of yourself

hello all

sorry for the struggles

I'm okay but battling major overload on human contact frankly. Obviously this is nothing compared to what you all are dealing with but just to say don't worry about me, appreciate you thinking of me.

also hope grace is doing ok.

The fields of oilseed rape everywhere remind me of DM: she constantly blamed them for giving her asthma (she didnt actually have asthma... )!

DD2 and her friends are going to a memorial service on Thurs for the friend that hung herself at the uni she attended. Then there is another one up here on Fri (which I cant go to but loads of the school staff will). Then at least 2 planned in the USA. Inquest has not happened yet, but I assume from what I know that the cause is pretty straightforward, and therefore the body will have been released etc? I cannot think of that poor girl, and her family, without wanting to break down - it has really hit me hard, and I am watching both my DDs ment al health like a hawk.

rosa wise call. Don’t feel guilty.
Still deep in the trenches here but dm improving a bit with battles ahead re carers to come.....
can’t namecheck all but I am following all your struggles.
Sending 🌺🌺🍫🍫🥃🥃🍷🍷and a bucketload of cockroaches to all.
Than’ you for all your support