The second new shiny 2019 thread ...

Bit of a tough couple of weeks, just catching up on the thread and will post later. x

My parents didn't even have that excuse to not turn up to parents evenings. They were just constantly disappointed in me, my grades, my lifestyle, my appearance. I went NC for 3 years over their racism towards DH, because even though I let them get away with so much towards me, I drew the line at that. Now DM and I have an uneasy truce, but she has tested me and knows what a hard faced bitch I am.

oh venting another boarding school brat here... and yes, I remember several threads back saying what you said - I provided far more care in the last decade of my mother's life than she did in the second decade of mine. Being sent away hurts, whatever the reasons for it (and my parents had justifiable reasons - services family) and what it teaches you about resilience probably is good for you - but when its turned around then it becomes very difficult.

Things are complicated with my mum because she was never the most maternal of women. For instance, I went to boarding school, and for some reason my mother thought the journey to come and take me out or attend school events was outrageously long, though it was only about 50 miles. My father just went along with anything she said, and as a consequence I went out less than virtually anyone else other than those whose parents lived abroad, and my parents regularly missed school events or turned up late. So there's a bit of me that can't forget that I'm taking more trouble with her than she did with me, and indeed than she did with her own mother. But basically I'd feel impossibly guilty if I didn't, so this will just carry on.

Thanks for your response, Toofar. I suppose one odd advantage of my mother's decision that she can't walk is that the issue of anti-depressants making her wobbly won't arise. I'll talk to her doctors about it - if it would improve her quality of life it can only be helpful.

Evening all. So sorry you are struggling grace here’s another hand, and totally agree with everyone else.
Sounds like your mum is doing well, you must look after yourself, whatever that means for you. Other people are other people- there are different stories and different relationships.
I think it is sometimes when the storm or crisis passes it takes a while to see the toll it has taken.
minty do make time for you- it’s vital.

yolo cross post

yes, I think one thing with my cousin is that having been ill since he was very young, he had a very different relationship with his parents. I've mentioned on other threads, he never had a pension because he wasn't supposed to live this long (50s) so that's a different starting point.

amongst my own social circle, there's people who still do take their olds on holiday and two friends who had widowed parents move to be nearer to them. I suspect they would be freer to talk on an online forum (!) but certainly on a day to day basis, they seem to cope.

I guess I don't have the relationship with my parents that they do, but I thought I did. It was an eye opener when someone said to me "you will miss going to your dad for advice" and I thought, jeez, I haven't asked a parent for advice in 20 years!

yes, I think I have hit the point where I need to worry about my health

mum has even taken on finance and stuff. I think what's happened is I didnt look after myself at all the last six months.

I do think of 80 as being old tbh. She's got older widowed friends who are still fine, I mean some of the usual health stuff, but generally if their DC left them to it, they would be okay.

It's been quite shocking to see the decline in her health and appearance since dad died but I think that might be more the appearance, and the fact that I spent lots of time there which I didn't before, so I don't know what her normal is.

re the locking up the house, to be fair, she says to feel free to wander and to lock up myself when I'm ready to go to sleep, but I'm very conscious that she sleeps as badly as I do, so always feel I'm going to wake her up. Plus when it's not your house, you don't have your own things etc

holiday with my parents? (both now deceased) Or DP's parents, who will be next on the mouldy oldies list? ABSOLUTELY NO FUCKING WAY. I would be in prison after about two hours. Anyone who says they do that is either a) a saint; b) has not personal boundaries; or c) completely delusional and submissive; or see 'a'. Over an hour was enough with my DM, getting close to two hours and I was starting to climb the walls and scratch incessantly... and I did actually love her.

I'll tell you what it's like - hell, that's what grace. After my DF died, I made a huge effort with DM, trying to include her in my family. We went away for a week to the coast with DM, and we had the row to end all rows. Never again.

Take care of yourself and your own health. Your mum is young enough to be able to get on with things without you needing to be so hands on for everything. Maybe give her space to get used to being on her own?

Some of these people are going to their olds every day after work - actuallyMintyI think you are doing that?

Not any more, although I did for a couple months when he was in hospital and immediately afterwards, and then at least every other day when I was signed off/during Easter holidays. My parents are only 3 minutes round the corner though, so I can make some of the visits short.

I speak to mum on the phone at least once a day and she messages me via FB as well. I try to see them once mid week and again at the weekend, alternating between 4-5 hours and dinner, and a couple of hours max for coffee and catch up.

I suspect the school holidays will no longer be my own as much going forward. Have already got 2 days booked during half term when I'm taking mum for tests at a non-local hospital, and am keen to get dad put and about over the summer.

I sympathise with feeling 'peopled out' as I'm.also quite introverted outside my normal group of close friends.

I have a free weekend coming up as DD is off on a residential with one of her extracurricular groups. Will be the first time I've had 2 nights child free (other then being in hospital) for nearly 9 years as she only stays at her dad's on a very rare, ad hoc basis.

I feel like I should be making the most of being able to go out and socialise without and responsibility, but tbh I just want to shut the door on the Friday evening and have a couple of days to myself at home.

thank you all so much

re mum being my responsibility - I don't know, it's partly just an intrinsic feeling but also partly that so many people I know are taking responsibility for an elderly parent and don't seem to have any issues with it. I realise they might well have lots of issues but they certainly seem to be coping better than I am.

now mum is back in a social life of sorts, there are 40s and 50s children with grandchildren etc turning up at social functions. I have been to a couple of them and I hear "jokes" about putting mats in the car when giving elderly folk lifts home in case of an accident. These kind of jokes actually upset me a bit - tbh they upset mum too.

Some of these people are going to their olds every day after work - actually Minty I think you are doing that?

also in terms of taking "time off" - tbh the main thing is, the longer the gap, the worse I feel when I walk in. Also I know mum always wanted to see me much more often, it was easier to get out of before because she had dad for company.

one of the problems I find with London is people consider long travels on the Tube/train to be completely normal. I have had commutes as long as the journey to mum's myself.

so yes, I also feel judged by other people and I need to learn to shake that off I guess.

my mum said today "it seems very unpredictable when you will suddenly get upset or overwhelmed". This is partly because I live on my own and mostly can control when I see people, or if you go for coffee or something you will be maybe 2 hours in company. That's my company tolerance level maxed out really.

I'm not even working full time, which adds to the guilt. Mum knows I've had depression and anxiety for years so I should add, she is not pressuring me. I realise it's all me pressuring me at the moment, but I don't know how not to.

I mentioned a cousin up north who has health issues. He's good and rings mum quite often. But he's another one who - unwittingly - makes me feel guilty. He spent lots of time with his parents before they died. He went on holiday with them! I can't even begin to imagine what that's like.

grace I will hold your hand too. It sounds to me as if you have been so strong for your mum for a long time now, and that maybe you could draw back a bit for a least a couple of weeks? so that you have a bit of time for yourself, just to pootle around, do what YOU want when YOU want to do it (I couldnt cope with house being in lockdown and too hot/too cold, I'd go insane).

venting and toofar my DM also used to say she wanted to die most of the time, and would tell me she had a secret stash of pills to do it with - it is incredibly draining. Unfortunately I knew where the secret stash was, so DB and I extricated some bits here and there. She was on antids, they seemed to make no difference to her mood, but she was extremely prone to self-medicating before her last fall so I dont know whether they affected balance etc.

it all feels so overwhelming and there's no one to help.

it's really hard when you have no back up.

You mention a long train journey and work - is there any scope for you making a couple of shorter visits each week and not staying over?

It might make the 'sensory' stuff easier. My parents house is always boiling hot and the TV, when it's on is so loud it's unbearable. I can't even speak to her on the phone when it's on in the background.

I also relate to the fussing...mum generally does it more with Dad, but she will go on and on about things once she gets going...one of her favourites is endlessly quizzing me about my XH .

How long is it since you lost your Dad? Have you got any support from an emotional POV?

Hi Grace, I'm here for a hand hold (have name changed away from flying monkeys).

In the nicest possible way, why would you feel guilty about going back to your life? Your mum is not your responsibility. It sounds like she is doing ok with slowly moving on with things, and maybe you need to pull back a little from her and seperate out what you need to do for your own grief?

anyone about for a handhold?

I'm feeling completely overwhelmed.

I posted on here before about how mum was driving me mad talking about dad. She isn't any more and she's trying really hard to be kind and considerate and so on.

I'm just really struggling and I don't know why. I spend about a day a week over there, usually stay the night. some of her friends drop in of course and that's good for her. I find it all such a downer though - the things that some people in that age group have to discuss - the latest stroke, the latest cancer diagnosis.

I mentioned in a previous post that I feel as if walking in to her house is like walking into a different planet, it's so depressing.

she was looking at getting rid of things because of maybe moving into a retirement flat, and I was doing well helping her with that but it all feels so overwhelming and there's no one to help.

Plus I have this sense that she is doing it to please me. I don't know if I am starting to imagine things. I feel as if I just can't cope and today I broke down and told her that. Now she is recovering from dad's death - to some extent - she asked me what exactly I'm having trouble with.

One factor is definitely the people overload, going back to work, talking to mum every day, being there all day one day a week.

another is she simply doesn't seem to realise how uncomfortable her house is for me - it sounds like a very trivial moan but I'm very affected by my environment and her house is either boiling hot or freezing cold. So with a long train journey both ways, she is baffled and I think quite hurt if I say I don't want to stay the night on a long weekend, so this weekend and Easter I tried to hang around but just end up sleep deprived and tearful. She has the house locked up - I mean individual rooms and alarms and so on - so after she goes to bed at 10, I can't just potter.

I also feel she is fussing all the time about what I eat etc.

I seem to be coping worse with those things rather than better. It's like an accumulation of it all getting on my nerves.

I realise this is nothing compared to what most of you are dealing with so I'm sorry for dumping this here. I still think some of this is because I've never been interested in all the family stuff. Was quite happy with a quiet life, now it's been ripped to shreds I don't know how to cope.

I suppose I could just conserve the energy and say I need to go back to how my life was, in terms of parental visits - an afternoon every couple of weeks. But then I would feel so horrendously guilty.

Hi Venting - I raised this on the best interests call we had regarding my DM this week. DM has dementia, and has no quality of life, frequently tells me she wants to die, and cries all the time that she wants to go home (when we got her home (briefly) she didn’t cry any less - just about different things)

The psychiatric nurse was on the call, and said my mum showed no signs of clinical depression when she met her. DM has an amazing social veneer, so it takes a while for the dementia to show up, so maybe she just masks it when she talks to others. Alternatively she could just be more emotional with family!

The social workers have previously said that anti depressants would make her more wobbly physically, and her mobility is variable at the best of times!

Sorry, I know that’s not a direct answer to your question, but that’s my experience of trying to get anti depressants for DM. Definitely worth discussing with doctors or other HCP involved in your DMs care though.

It’s bloody hard though when your DM constantly tells you she wants to die, so you have my sympathy xx

My dad so very similar and takes 50mg of sertraline (Seroxat) a day.

Tbh it appears to do bugger all and when they increased his dose during a lengthy hospital stay earlier this year he was even worse.

GP has recently done a referral o a counselling service for Oldies called Sage but they've not been in touch yet.

It's horrible to have to deal with isn't it?

Does anyone's parent have anti-depressants prescribed for them? My mother is always going on about how dreadful it all is and how she wants to die, and although happy pills won't change her circumstances it can't be helping her to be in this endless cycle of miserable thoughts. But I don't know how keen doctors would be to prescribe them, and given that she probably won't tell them how's she's feeling they might feel they can't anyway till she asks for them.

My mother's "Before you go" thing is to say in a slightly accusatory way "So what should I do then, should I just sit here?". When she was at home, I just used to say cheerily something to the effect that she could do what she was doing when I arrived, she could read the papers, listen to the radio, watch TV, sit on her balcony, whatever.

However, she's currently in what is supposed to be a rehab ward after being hospitalised for bowel obstruction and seems to have deteriorated, in that she can't walk without a lot of support, despite the fact that she could walk fine beforehand and her legs weren't affected. But we're still in the situation where she categorically refuses to do anything to improve things for herself; e.g. she could have the radio or TV on, but she spurns the offer every time. So now before I go I make sure she has a book or paper nearby, offer to sort out the TV or radio for her and get refused, and when she asks the "What shall I do now?" question I tend to say "It's up to you, you've said no to everything I've suggested, so you decide".

DM's 'before you go...' this week was to mention that her boiler wasn't working. Didn't like to mention it before, as didn't want to be a burden, but phoned various random companies to get quotes, which she couldn't then remember.

It was me that coined this Hotel California 'You can check out any time you like, But you can never leave!'

which is to wait till I"m about to back out of the door...

That's my mum! If I've heard "Oh, before you go, can you just..." once, I've heard it 1000 times.

Yes Rosa. Tbf he's doing pretty well physically in terms of his back injury from January.

Unfortunately there are other issues, not least his overall frailty and mental health, but am hoping to be able to work on those over the coming months.

Am quite limited to what I can so in term time, but hopefully will have blue badge and wheelchair or rollator sorted by the summer hols and be able to take him out at least once a week.

it's a kind of sickly sweet smell....hence my first thought was fabric conditioner.

Minty your dad is washing up? that sounds like a big improvement.