The second new shiny 2019 thread ...

hope everyone is doing okay?

haven't seen MintyCedric for ages.

In case it makes anyone laugh, filling in an ISA form with mum and it says "what are you saving for?"

after much thought, she would not go with my suggestion of "ferrari" and put "old age" instead.

nora it sounds so tough. Get the professionals on your team ASAP. Good luck.🌺🌺

I meant I cannot believe that they think its ok to leave mum to care for their dad all day!

I have just read the online carers report and mum got nasty with the carer this morning because she would not disclose the combination to the locked medications box to mum. Mum has already doubled dosed her husband a few weeks ago- that is why the meds are locked up.

I also called the care home and pleaded with them to keep the room until next weekend when I hope to have got things moved on- they were great and said of course they would (!)- it's a private home and so much nicer than the large corporate ones I was veiwing last week. Fingers crossed I can do the move early next week. It is mums birthday next sunday which makes things a bit difficult. Im tempted (but won't do it) to tell mum Im taking her out for lunch in my town and take her to the home for lunch and leave her there!

llady you have described my situation exactly. I've logged the issue with social services, I'm hoping to speak to them tomorrow. I'm talking to the doctor who has know my mum for 15 years and is the dr for the husband on Wednesday. I'm going to explain the situation and ask them to intervene.
I've said to Bros Grimm the alternative is they (mum and DH- not the Grimms!) go into care together but they think everything is ok. But they have gone grey rock on me and my communications.
So this week I'll be trying to enlist support from professionals to move mum and explain to sons that they have to take one of the options, but continuing as is is not an option because they are at risk. They cannot believe it's safe to leave their dad in the care of a mid stage dementia 81 year old all day and night apart from two half hour visits from carers who administer meds and check they are alive.

Nora, you dealing with a horrible situation. How dare G2 ring you and say it's all about his dad's care. The reality is she has minded their father for years and can no longer do so. So sorry brothers Grimm sort out your own father's care. I think they don't want to do this because they will lose their inheritance once their fathers care has to be paid for.

Could you ring social services and tell them your worried about your mothers husband. Tell them you mother has been minding him for years but that she now has dementia and you have found a care home for her.
Tell them her husband thinks she can stay minding him but she is unable to do this and meanwhile he has 2 sons and they refuse to accept that your mother can't mind their father. Give them the 2 sons names, address and phone numbers. Let the grim brothers deal with social services.

Or could you find out the husband's doctors name, ring him or her and explain the situation and that you have got a place in a nursing home for your mother but that her husband refuses to accept that his wife can no longer mind him. Tell them as well that's his 2 sons have been told this also but they won't answer the phone to you either. Get the doctor to contact the 2 sons.

Get him away from your mother and tell him that your mother is going into a home without him and that since his sons won't answer your calls you had no choice but to call his doctor and social services to arrange care for him.

The reality is that your mother has pandered to him for years and she is no longer able to mind him. She needs proper care herself.

Could you say it’s fora week trial? White lies can help.

sandwich good idea- I'll try that approach with Admiral nurses although this morning she said she wants to come, but he refuses to budge (he's controlling her) to go to his sons' or into respite of his own. I've reminded her that she can come regardless of what he wants, but she's adamant that she won't come if he "won't be cared for".
We will lose the place at the care home probably, they cannot hold it unless I pay for it.
No more replies from sons.

nora their interpretation of rights sounds pretty fluid. Can you block him?

nora thIs sounds awful. Sending 🌺🌺🌺.
Could admiral nurses speak to your mum? Keep fighting.

rosa and monkey thanks :)

I've had reply from G2. Apparently it's all about his dad and I have no right to separate them. FFS at what point will they see that a woman with dementia needs her own care?

That sounds such a stressful situation Nora, and you are handling it so well. More power to you.

Oh, I just want to tell the Brothers Grimm “talk to the hand” on your behalf!

I found a lovely care home for mum near me today. I want her here and safe. I called her and suggested a month's respite, she said she'd love it. Then things went bad as she realised it was just for her. She said she couldn't leave Her husband for a month and we were locked in a conversation of repeating assurances and worries for 45 minutes.

I came off the phone trembling and shaking and discovered Admiral Nurses- what a wonderful service. The person I spoke to helped me compose a text to the brothers Grimm to tell them I want to bring mum here and then helped me fill in the attendance allowance form. If she'd been here in person I'd have kissed her.

Now it's just the reaction of the Grimm bros to deal with when they read my text and realise they have to make arrangements for their dad. Watch this space 😬

I have third party access to mum's main bank account

I've not set anything up yet but I've paid for things and withdrawn cash without any issues.

I agree that the access does make everything easier. When I took it over I was appalled to realise that her state pension and disability living allowance were being paid into her PO account. She hadn't accessed this money for years and she had £46,000.00 in there. All the time she was saying she had no money and couldn't afford the basics - we paid for the cleaner and the carers! It's so easy for them to lose track of the day to day things and I don't think she truly believes that she had all this money even now

I have join access to my mum's bank account with her. It means that I set up DD payments for stuff like utilities, as she would forget to pay the bills otherwise. As well as being able to make direct payments to the gardener, etc from her account.

She uses her bank card (when she remembers the pin) if DB takes her shopping. If she doesn't remember the pin then DB lets me know what he paid out and I reimburse him from her account. It is so much easier.

flamingnoravera It's an appalling system. I have four other online accounts and they are all simple to manage but the HSBC system drives me to the gin bottle! I'm not IT illiterate - I used to teach IT but I really can't understand why it has to be so complex. I mostly use the app for my MIL now and that's not too bad but God forbid I need to set up a new standing order/payee/etc as then I have to do that on the main desktop screen and we are once again back to helpdesks etc. Rant over - breathe. If I could face the hassle again with LPA I would move everything from HSBC to another bank (and I may still do that)

gannycake the HSBC online banking has so far caused me untold hours of shouting at screens, holding on the phone, visits to a branch and I'm on my third passcode but still not into the system.

I haven’t actually had to use the LPA for mum. She’s already said she reckons it will be unhelpful and be challenged all the time. She almost didn’t want to do it for that reason.

A friend of mine actually had her mother’s money transferred to her, not sure if the details, because she said it was easier.

How do online systems manage LPA?

HSBC took ages and multiple visits before sorting the LPA but once it had been done there haven't been any more problems - apart from their unnecessarily complex internet banking

Nora sounds like progress of sorts for you.

I had the same problem with Barclays and DM's LPA, so HSBC are not alone on that front. I managed to find a helpful person on the phone, but had to do all the paperwork at the high street bank. I seem to remember it took 4 or 5 visits to actually sort it as the people I saw each time didn't know what to do with me.

nora that actually sounds very helpful from the GP, how are you feeling about it?

cockroach everyone

nora so sorry about all the aggro. Hoe having the gps view helps.
And please look after yourself! You can’t run on empty.

Gahhh! Fucking HSBC cannot get their systems to understand LPA, my mum pays for Premium Banking and they cannot organise a bank heist in a banking hall.
Anyone else find dealing with HSBC and LPA difficult?

In other news, Dr finally gave me a diagnosis today vascular with Alzheimer's dementia and capacity is not consistent. She said I should find a resi home and get my mum in ASAP as living with her husband is adding to her stress. So there I have it- it's time to move her closer to me and leave husband's family to sort their own care out.

Tomorrow I'm calling solicitors about the money stuff and will decide if all future contact with his family should be via solicitor.

My weight has dipped under 8 stone for the first time in years, the stress diet in action.

Sending hopeful thoughts for all out there dealing with elderly parents, their illnesses and trying to manage their finances. 😁