The second new shiny 2019 thread ...

how is everyone?

Apologies for the TMI factor but I was hoping for a bit of perspective. Mum woke up feeling unwell today and said she thought she had a UTI.

I'm flapping with anxiety and she cancelled on her mates for lunch and her mate says "Oh can't you come along anyway? I have these all the time!"

her mate is 83.

we are waiting at a walk-in. Have I overdone the anxiety? She is 80 and there is blood in her urine. I am thinking that there's no way we'd get a GP appointment on Tuesday morning so walk in seemed fair enough, but the fact that her friend said that made me think I am panicking.

well I am....mum is calmly reading though she is very annoyed at constant bathroom visits. her BP etc is fine.

she's also saying there's no need for me to stay overnight - am supposed to be doing an early morning trip out to Chichester (from London). Should I cancel? My sister can come if there's an emergency.

I must admit I am hoping someone will talk me down from my anxiety...

I will try Age UK, thanks.

Hope the decision about the colostomy gives you and DH some way of navigating what lies ahead, yolo (and two and s half cheers for Trojan brother).

I may have missed this, but in the search for a cleaner have you asked Age UK for their list? My Aged Parent found a lovely cleaner that way, whose visits she now looks forward to.

evening all. DB actually arrived at 10am - rather earlier than expected - and I have to say has worked like a bloody trojan today and was very appreciative of how much work I have done. DN coming tomorrow so we should get the house almost cleared (waiting for charity to come and collect last pieces of furniture next week, fingers xd). Filled one skip, got another one coming tomorrow.

DH is going to have a permanent colostomy on June 14. Actually quite a relief, best chance of removing the cancer, and at least we know now what is going to happen. Although neither of us are surprised, there's a kind of funny feeling about it. Adjustment needed I guess.

thank you nota had a lovely walk on the beach today with Ddog and DD1, and DD2 home in a couple of weeks - before DH surgery, so I am feeling calmer, although pissed off with DB. Also got some amazing news about my charity today - embargoed for a while, but will be great when we can go public. Plus had a derm appt for a sun damage thing and got signed off, so its not all bad. cockroach to all.

yolo you are spot on re using an agent/ charging muscle to the estate.
Outsource all you can. And look after yourself.🌺🌺🍷🍷

Well. DB lives in Devon, DN in London, we are in Kent. DH thinks skip - which he has booked for me via work - might come on Thurs in which case we are ok. If it doesnt come when the muscle is here, we will raise an invoice to the estate for skip hire and the muscle to fill it via DH work - no fucking way am I paying or doing the dirty work!

Just seriously pisses me off that they think they can fuck around with dates, like I dont have anything else to do or arrange - but the whole family are like that, couldnt make a decision to save their lives or organise the piss up in the proverbial brewery. Ridiculous of me to expect anything different I suppose. But angry when I have done so much and we have so many other pressures - I have done everything I can to make it as easy as possible for them. DB also pissed off I have signed up with estate agents for full management - 10% of rental, but means I dont have to do anything. I did point out that DH surgery due the day after tenants/buyers move in and I will not be interested in finding a plumber/electrician etc should they need one. GRRRR.

Re cleaners, I think an agency could be a good idea - you can interview them, be explicit about what is required and hire and fire quickly and easily if the actual person is not right.

Yolo so your brother isn't staying to do the work on Sat?

is the extra muscle still coming on Sat?

re cleaners, yes, I will ask at those sorts of places, thanks. Mum was saying to me about newsagent window and I thought, how does anyone check that!

I would have been happier with an agency but I suppose I'm just assuming the agency have done proper checks etc.

yolo that’s c#£&. Tell dB to sort it by text. Give him skip number. Tell him it’s down to him.
Hope dh is ok. 🌺🌺🍷🍷
Cleaners etc- ask for recommendations from anyone local- age uk maybe? Or does leaving cleaner know anyone?

AARGH! so DB was meant to be coming Friday and staying (not with us) til Sun, DN and added muscle meant to be coming Sat for the day.
I have arranged for a skip to be delivered on Fri, ready for all the muscle to do the shifting.

DB now coming tomorrow, and DN coming on Fri. Who do they think is going to fill the skip if it's not there early on Fri morning???? Because it's not going to be me, I physically cant do it, and why the hell should I? I've done every other bloody thing, this is just too much.

as a lurker on this thread (DPs are OKish atm, although DF is going downhill) - for cleaners etc, DM has asked friends and neighbours for recommendations, not just for who they use, but for other people they know's cleaners etc. Another option is to ask a local church if they know of anyone, also care homes and schools quite often use local people rather than agencies. DM has had people in for a trial run for a couple of weeks, although at one point she kept a less than good cleaner because although it wasn't to her standards, it was better than she could do herself at that point (post surgery).

Thus is frankly a very tricky one.

For example, I work for a large corporate, where we are not allowed to provide any reference other than a statement of the start date and end date of employment.

When I look for people to do work in our home, I never really expect references. In an ideal world, I would go with a personal recommendation from someone I trust.

That means I mostly just trust I suppose to. gut reaction, being clear what I expect and not being afraid to sag 'sorry, this isn't working for us'. I say that, but I have only ever had two cleaners, one lasted three weeks and the second, coming up for twenty years.

Good luck.

I have a question which might make more sense here because of the nature of the board

if you work for people as individuals, e.g. cleaner, gardener, what would be the norm in terms of getting references?

Mum's cleaner is going and she doesn't want to use an agency. I have no idea what I would be looking for from someone who has just been working privately. Does a "letter of recommendation" type thing still exist? If they supply a phone number or email for recommendation, I could just be ringing one of their mates so I don't know how much difference it makes in the end.

thanks.

Everything crossed here for yolo and DH, too.

Cockroach, one and all.

yolo good news re house and everything crossed for dh.
Please make sure you make some t8me for you- beach with ddog?
Calmish here.
cockroach all

yolo that is a lot, especially with all the other stress.

I can imagine your stress levels are through the roof.

when I have a quiet period with olds, I sometimes think I should be "doing something" but then I think, ach well, life will throw enough at us anyway!

How's everyone doing? hope the oldies are all behaving and life not too stressful. etc for you all.

Mum's buyers are renting the house until sale goes through! Which is brilliant, and they will be in on June 3rd (DH surgery June 4th god willing). Takes a load of weight off my mind, but a lot to do in the next fortnight.

DB and DN coming on Saturday to take stuff away, some stuff on ebay, skip coming, and need to book hospice shop to take away remaining furniture etc. Gardeners booked to de-weed drive and patio (had not noticed how terrible it looks) and cleaner to wash walls, hoover etc when everything has gone. Still seems a hell of a lot to organise, but getting there.

Colonoscopy on Thurs, then hopefully we will know what surgery is planned/what best options are. My stress levels are through the roof, surviving on red and fags. DH OK-ish but crotchety. DD1 home from uni but has to finish her dissertation by end of the month, and DD2 home just before DH surgery.

Scratch that, decided to create a second thread

Is anyone dealing with a main family carer who complains about all their responsibilities (to the point of upsetting DGeriatric) but refuses help from other family who are entirely capable because they desperately need to control everything?

Currently being driven around the bend by this. Main carer is desperately in need of a holiday but won't go and leave me or anyone else in charge. Structural building work needs doing but he's doing a DIY bodge job instead of getting builders in and moaning about having to do it himself (money isn't the issue). Got called out to an emergency with DGeriatric while in the middle of a household task; I continued it to help out and was midway through when he returned and told me to stop it immediately (it was the sort of task no one can screw up, so not about competence).

I've ended up scrubbing the carer's kitchen, partly because it's like an episode of How Clean Is Your House (genuinely vile, and he cooks me food there when I visit) and partly for my own sanity, but he's moaning about that too. I've been scrubbing for hours, gone through multiple bottles of cleaning fluid and I haven't even got inside the cupboards yet.

He's bad enough now while he's fit and well; I dread to think what he'll be like in 20 years when he's the geriatric. He doesn't want to do it all himself but he won't accept help of any substance

oh god, the thought of having to deal with a squillion bits of my parent's crap when I have squillion bits of crap of my own 🤦‍♀️

nearly 100....

joking aside, I'm going to take a break from this thread as I think I'm worrying too much reading stuff on here. Take care all

Yes, not far off 100.

We've limited control, but do what we can. It's about managing the inevitable long term slow decline as best as we can.

does "north end" mean "late 90s"?

I completely understand the wanting quality of life thing, I suppose I just feel we have no control over it.

She's not my DM, but she's at the north end of her 90s. She, too, has refused major treatment and we largely focus on quality of life and keeping her in her own home.

I try to let her get on with life as much as possible, but I don't want her death to be preceeded by pressure sores, being so weak she falls, and then ending up having an undignified painful death in hospital. Something will get her, but I'd sooner it was either something quick or peaceful (or both).

PS we had a neighbour who, at 92, was eating a bit of cake and a sandwich every day, that was about it.

she's in a home now but she's 95 and still going.....