The second new shiny 2019 thread ...

It's very difficult to interpret what she says sometimes.

I hear ya! Both of mine are very prone to exaggeration/misinterpretation.

Hugs too...do you know what I really miss? Man hugs. I know that's not very feminist of me, but mum/daughter/friend hugs, whilst lovely, just don't quite hit the spot sometimes.

Very grateful for my writing and overactive imagination at the moment as the escapism is really helping . What sort of things do you write Rosa?

As per, I had a lovely afternoon out and the minute I got out of the cinema there was a lengthy email from mum with a list of things she wants me to do for her/dad. I don't mind at all except for the short notice (today) and the assumption that I will be able to do something one day after work next week. I probably will be able to, but it's the worst possible day as I have a regular meeting which often over run and have to get home and do dinner before taking DD to her thing at 6.45. It's only a lift somewhere and is manageable but it's the assumption I don't like.

Dint that's good news about your dad. Hopefully now he's physically more well his MH will follow. How did he get the weight back on? Did he have a special diet at all?

yolo hope you can get everything sorted tomorrow. Must be very strange. Hope you don’t have to wait for hours.🌺🌺🍷🍷
rosa sounds like you are in red alert for everything, so stressoul. A hug from me to you. And do protect yourself- no need to let your dm know what you are doing. Protect yourself
minty well done on booking those things- essential self maintenance. Your parents needn't know all the details.
cockroach all.

classic example of things that worry me

yesterday mum said she was feeling much better after taking a few of the antibiotics

this evening she said to me "I don't feel well at all". I got alarmed. She then went on to explain that she'd even popped out for lunch. Apparently her definition of "don't feel well at all" is different than mine.

when I said to her that she'd reported feeling better yesterday, she said "did I? Oh that's probably because I was so relieved to stop being in the loo all the time. I just feel very tired today".

I suppose I should learn to think, if she's not calling 111 or a doctor or something, then she's all right? It's very difficult to interpret what she says sometimes.

Minty I feel for you, do you want a hug?

It might just be me, I'm quite obsessed with wanting hugs these days. Probably because a hug from my mum doesn't seem the same now I feel I am looking after her

I'm impressed with the amount you're doing. I have hopped on the creative writing thread here but haven't actually done anything with my spare time for ages. In fact, being truthful on anonymous board, mum still thinks I go to a creative writing group every week but I don't. I just tell her I do because it reduces phone calls and "pop by for dinner" comments.

I don't know how I'd cope if she told me not to do things though, that would give me the rage.

Yolo sorry, when I said 3 of us, it's me, sis and mum. I'm sure I will feel better by then, I think I was super moany yesterday. Thing is normally sis and I do separate days to give mum more to do IYSWIM, and of course we have different diaries ourselves, so actually I think mum would like to see us together more often but sis and I feel it's a better division of labour to go separately.

Hi All. Haven't posted for a while as have been busy and it's been same old, same old on the parents front.

Yolo I'm sorry you've been having such a stressful time but glad it all seems to be coming together and thlpl there's a plan of action now for your DH. I do hope you manage to get some quiet time together before his surgery.

Rosa I hear you re mental load. I'm not really 'doing' a lot in practical terms but when it comes to communication and just worrying about everything it's a struggle.

I'm dealing with a really tricky dichotomy of when I try to be proactive they won't engage, and when I take a step back mum throws an almighty tantrum, accuses me of not caring and makes veiled threats to disinherit me.

I called her on Sunday (having spent the evening round there the night before) to let her know I was having a day off social media and to call me on the house phone if she needed me (she will often message on FB and wonder why I don't read it/reply immediately even if I'm online). She took that as 'I'm doing my own thing which is more important than you so don't contact me'...cue lengthy passive aggressive email.

Ended up feeling obliged to go round for a couple of hours yesterday and will drop in again tomorrow. Every other day seems to be the minimum I can get away with whenim not working.

Dad's weight has dropped below 9st and we are awaiting a raft of blood tests. He's constantly complaining of feeling unwell and anxious and is catastrophically depressed, but just can't/won't engage with any suggestions to improve things.

Mum is worried sick about him, and although she has always been capable practically I think she just wants someone for moral support. She often complains that she doesn't know what to do about xyz when it's actually as simple as making a phone call. Her decision making ability seems to be rapidly going down the pan, and having to try and explain even the simplest things multiple times because of her lack of hearing/comprehension is exhausting and frustrating. It's like we're living in two completely different worlds so it's really hard to have a conversation about anythjng general/abstract.

On the upside, she's moved her heart test appointments from this week so notwithstanding the twice daily phone calls and visiting every other day I do have a bit more time to myself.

My counselling sessions finished last week but I've realised as a result them I need to get back in touch with my creative side. I've started writing again and am off to Brighton Pavilion sometime this week to research the story I'm working on. I'm also doing a sketchbook project over the summer for submission to be considered for an exhibition at a local gallery in the autumn.

I've booked myself on a pottery course over the summer hols too and am off out for lunch and pictures today, and have a couple of upcoming days out in London. Absolutely dreading telling mum about those after the meltdown last time but tickets are booked so will have to put my big girls pants on!

rosa if you dont want to go on the outing and your sibs are going anyway, maybe time to take a break? re the ice cubes/carpets, I have potentially 5 hours to sit in the house on Thurs waiting for BHF, might give me something to do!!

Yolo I wouldn't worry about the dents, really. You've got enough on. Glad it's going well.

btw this lady posted and I thought I'd draw attention in case anyone can advise her

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/elderly_parents/3596708-Are-these-symptoms-of-a-stroke-What-can-I-do

yep so far so good rosa thanks for asking. Got British Heart Foundation coming on Thurs and hoping they will take away all remaining furniture. Sold some ercol stuff on ebay but gave up with other bits as timeframe too short. Then cleaner (who is a friend) going in on Friday, and tenants/buyers due to move in on Mon.

Silly question: what does anyone think of going round and chucking ice cubes into the dents the furniture has made on the carpets? I am told this works... but know they will replace the carpets anyway... just feel a bit bad looking at the house!

Lovely thing about the Ercol (table and 6 chairs) buyer came down in a horse box (!) it was for her son who has just bought his own place, my mum would love to think it had gone to someone young who would have more parties round it.

oh in terms of my sister, all 3 of us are meant to be going.

family shit is such a chore to me, but I think for mum it's a big thing that keeps her going. Hopefully by the time I get to next week I will feel fine about it. I think spending half a day in urgent care took a toll on me.

that thing about waiting for the next problem - yes, I find that a real thing, and it's almost as if anticipating it makes it less annoying. That might sound odd, but I feel like being pessimistic actually served me well the last 10 years, in terms of parent crises. I wouldn't have been able to click into action if I hadn't been anticipating things.

thank you for your kind words sandwich and yolo

I think I am trying everything, but it's just the way it is. Having this board really helps.

yolo did everything get sorted with the skip etc?

oops rosa I totally agree that taking your mum out next w/e sounds exactly like another chore - another bloody thing to tick off your list of 'stuff' - could your sister take her, and you do something for you, while trying not to worry?

he did, thank you sandwich

rosa the mental load is the thing, kind of like wifework I think. Even if they are ok, you are still constantly waiting for them not to be, or to have a minor or major crisis. I found to be extremely helpful, and also copious amounts of cigarettes, but mindfulness would probs be a much better option! Also useful: fresh air, gardening, walking the dog, any form of exercise/taking control of your own life - I have been shifting furniture like a mad thing recently. Take care of yourself.

yolo hope golden balls worked his socks off.

rosa do not apologise for moaning- you sound really ground down.
What fuels you? How can you put something back 8n your tank?
Questions I am asking myself.
And it is all the little things.... washing lines, shopping, appointments, which do chip away.
Have you tried headspace or calm apps? Trying to use these more.
cockroach all.
How is your dad, dint ?

sandwich hugs to you

I shouldn't be moaning at all, I looked at the diary and all I've actually done in the last 2 weeks is take her for some blood tests, and shopping.

I think there's psychological stupid things as well. so there's looking for a new cleaner.. her rotary drier thingy is broken and not in a way I can fix. My sister just said bluntly to mum "you don't need one, me & Rosa don't have any outside space for washing". She has a much more blunt attitude to this kind of thing, I would lean towards "oh well, mum always had one so it's mean to say we won't help sort it".

that's kind of what I mean. As long as the essentials are sorted....it's supposed to be a nice weekend next weekend, if you believe the forecast that far ahead, so mum wants to have an afternoon out somewhere. Not a hardship and she will pay for lunch and taxis...but I just look at it as a chore.

my sister quite likes that sort of thing, but she won't have half an eye on mum in case she falls over - personally I wish mum would use a stick.

actually typing that, yes, that's why the tank is running low, I've got to stop worrying.

rosa I get it. Currently consumed by dm’s needs and emergencies but feeling pretty ill and broken myself.
Trying to refuel the tank but it’s hard.

Toofar for me, there's no issues with boundaries, my mum doesn't push me to do anything. Do you mind if I ask in what way your DM is a mess?

I think I can't manage the feelings of guilt if I don't rush to help. I don't have children or anything. I do have problems with depression and anxiety but my mum doesn't need fixing or anything. It's more that I can't just forget about her and get on with things, unless everything is 100% okay.

I do want to be one of those people who can put their parents' needs ahead of their own, but I must admit when mum phoned me and explained she wasn't well yesterday, I said "can I call you back", cried in despair for 2 minutes about how long this goes on, and then called back.

If I could separate myself mentally and only get involved at dire emergency level...but then I don't want anything to escalate to dire emergency because I find that so hard to cope with.

it is all "me me me" selfish, I know.

Hi Rosa - I know what you mean about hardening your heart, but I think it’s more about setting boundaries? As our parents get older their needs get greater- there are some amazing people on this thread who put their parents’ needs before their own, but I’m afraid I’m not one of them!

My DM is in a mess, but nothing I can do will “fix” her. It makes me very upset and guilty, but there are other people who need me. Plus I have had my own health issues this year which make more conscious of “one life, live it well”. Maybe that makes me selfish but that’s where my head is at right now

Mere "Your mother's symptoms are quite debilitating if she's have to pay frequent visits to the hospital. "

oh no, not at all. She hasn't had one for years. I wouldn't know when because apparently last one she had, dad took her to doc, so a few years ago.

Thank you sandwich and Monica

I haven't gone away today. Mum is feeling much better as soon as pills kicked in, but I just find it all so tiring I figured I'd stay home today.

I'm trying to articulate something which I wonder if others can relate to....I guess there comes a point where you have to harden your heart a bit with oldies? I mean, I hope not to live that long, but possibly I could be an 80 year old living alone with various ailments. I've always lived alone so it doesn't really occur to me to worry in that way - I'd head for retirement flats as soon as possible.

I'm waffling....but my sister said to me that she wouldn't have cancelled any plans unless there was an emergency and would have been okay with mum waiting in walk-in on her own - which in fairness I suppose would have happened on a weekday, or one of her friends might have gone with her.

So I suppose all I've done is ruined my own plans by over worrying.

It sounds to me like you've done exactly the right thing. A suspected UTI is not a massive thing but, despite what the friend says, it does demand some attention and better to get that now at a walk-in. If it is indeed a UTI then oral antibiotics should fix it. I doubt you need to cancel your day out tomorrow.

Oh Rosa. You are doing the right thing. See what doc says..... anti biotics will sort it.
And then think about tomorrow. 🌺🌺