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Elderly parents
Original poster

The second new shiny 2019 thread ...

961 replies

MereDintofPandiculation · 14/03/2019 21:28

... for anyone caring for elderly parents. Come and join us to ask for, or to give, sympathy, ask for advice, or have a good rant.

OP posts:
thesandwich · 18/06/2019 19:44

yolo rant away! You are right- being in hosp over the weekend sounds much safer for all. Go girl. Take no s#£&.
So sorry dh was shitty with you... as you say, nearest and dearest.
It must have been an effort for him with ils.
And take some time for you now the op is over.
cockroach all.

Original poster
MereDintofPandiculation · 18/06/2019 09:54

yolo if you need to, point out that you are "away at the weekend" so there will be "no-one in the house if he is discharged." (you may need to get someone else to do the weekend visiting in order to keep up the fiction). Or suggest he goes back to Mum and see whether she still feels he can come home at the weekend ;-)

You've done it all before, you know what the problems can be, and how to state your case to the hospital discharge team (whose focus is on emptying beds not on patient aftercare). You're in a good position to fight your corner compared with someone who's doing it all for the first time. You can do this! Flowers

OP posts:
RosaWaiting · 18/06/2019 09:47

yolo I agree he needs to be fit for discharge

but I'm wondering why a nurse in the house would be a bad thing, I thought it would reduce the strain a bit?

notaflyingmonkey · 18/06/2019 06:33

Also sending cockroaches to you Yolo.

Needmoresleep · 17/06/2019 22:41

Yolo, rant away.

The being shitty to those you trust is very familiar to many of us looking after oldies. No fun though, and not easy to take as a complement.

Do stand your ground. That was a huge operation. Recovery is almost bound to be uneven. If you feel he is safer in hospital, it would seem mad to rush him home.

Many cockroaches

yolofish · 17/06/2019 22:34

mini rant alert: surgeons are happy with DH progress, yesterday's urinary incontinence improving, but he has mild infection at stoma site so on IV antibs. suggestion he could come home Friday/weekend - which I think very unlikely, given his pain levels, general wellness and infection, plus I dont want him to come home unless district nurses are involved for wound dressing/clexane injections. MIL says oh it would be so much better if he was home, we will pay for a nurse - no, it would be so much better if he was NOT discharged until a) he is fit enough for it to happen b) pain is under control c) all arrangements are in place - been there, done that with DM and a Friday/weekend discharge is a bloody disaster waiting to happen. Plus, he doesnt need a nurse, he needs to be fit for discharge, and I dont want a bloody nurse in the house!! aargh. He was nice to them when they visited yest, but shitty to me and DDs, fair enough, that's what I would expect (because he can just be himself with us) but ffs....

Original poster
MereDintofPandiculation · 16/06/2019 10:52

yolo Flowers Best wishes to your DH. Hate hospitals and operations - so little autonomy at a time when you're at your most vulnerable. It's difficult to remember you're in the best place and being looked after!

OP posts:
Original poster
MereDintofPandiculation · 16/06/2019 10:48

notaflyingmonkey It's a black mulberry, so wonderful fruit. I planted it about 28 years ago. I notice that now they've developed a dwarf one that you can grow in a container - I was wondering whether to get one as insurance, perhaps give it its freedom and get it a little larger than container sized. Or I could just try to strike a cutting from the one I've got.

OP posts:
RosaWaiting · 16/06/2019 09:27

Oh dear, that sounds grim
I hope his family aren’t a pain. Certainly from previous posts, they sound like they can be. Confused

thesandwich · 16/06/2019 09:02

So sorry for your dh and you yolo 🌺🌺🌺

yolofish · 16/06/2019 08:29

DH had a shit night, a drain fell out, pain, no sleep. He asked me to put his parents and sister off from coming - but they are insistent. Have told them to at least make it later in the day and not 10.30am, but SIL has to get back so god knows what time they'll pitch up. He will not be happy, so good luck to them. FIL is 89, MIL 82, SIL 56. You'd think they'd know him well enough by now to know that if he says something he means it...

yolofish · 15/06/2019 22:12

dont know rosa estimates are 6-14 days. Good luck to them keeping him 14, he will be like a caged tiger!

RosaWaiting · 15/06/2019 21:19

yolo sounds like he’s doing all right. I would be spectacularly grumpy! Glad you had a good night’s sleep.

When does he come home?

whatever45 · 15/06/2019 21:17

Yolo thinking of lots too

yolofish · 15/06/2019 19:14

No surgeon news, he has seen 'a' doctor but not 'the' doctor. Presume we wont hear anything til Monday now. Pain kicking in, quite a lot of the anaesthesia was spinal so I guess that lasts a while, like an epidural? His parents and sister are going to see him tomorrow am, hope he manages to behave! and DDs and I will go in the afternoon when DD1 finishes work.

The guy who bought DM's house came round this morning with some post. One was a birthday card from a cruise company she travelled with about 10 years ago!! which was a bit odd. They are such nice people and they love the house which is a really nice thought, she'd have been pleased.

thesandwich · 15/06/2019 17:20

yolo been thinking of you all. So glad you slept.
Hope news from surgeon is good.
🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺

Needmoresleep · 15/06/2019 14:00

Yolo, thank you for the update. It sounds too awful for words. You must have had a dreadful time waiting.

Grumpy sounds good. Recovery presumably will take an age. I hope the feedback from the surgeon is good.

yolofish · 15/06/2019 13:06

Hi all. Well, what a day yesterday was. Surgery eventually took 12 hours Shock so he didnt even get on the ward til about 9.30. Been in this morning, he's as ok as can be expected - ie they are quite pleased with him but he's grumpy, tired and pissed off with being full of drains and drips. Havent heard from the surgeon yet, he was going to call me yesterday after the op, but to be fair the team had been working on DH since 9am so I think he deserved to go home and put his feet up! And I slept like an absolute log tonight, so feel a load better today.

Thank you for all kind words and thoughts x

notaflyingmonkey · 15/06/2019 10:41

What sort of Mulberry tree have you got Dint? (I know very few people who have one). I had one that rotten a few years ago, so planted a new one in a different spot and it seems to be doing very well so far.

Original poster
MereDintofPandiculation · 15/06/2019 09:34

hearing is a combination of physical stuff in the ear, and brain stuff in interpreting it. I was trying to persuade Dad to have his ears tested, but have since learnt that cognitive impairment means that sometime hearing aids aren't any use - you can get over the physical stuff but not the mental.

Our SS carers wouldn't do anything to do with medicine, not even check that he'd taken tablets. So I can understand if they won't do ear drops. He was getting dressings changed, but again that was the district nurse team not the carers. No wonder he was confused about who was visiting!

OP posts:
Original poster
MereDintofPandiculation · 15/06/2019 09:28

My poor willow tree has some really serious splits in it, That's what they do. A branch will crash to the ground, then branches will grow upright from it and form new trees, and they'll drop branches and form new trees and so on - it's a way of taking over new ground. Called phoenix tree growth. Not really compatible with life in a garden!

My mulberry tree has developed a huge split. We've put a strap round it and reduced the top growth. No way am I going to lose my mulberry crop.

OP posts:
Original poster
MereDintofPandiculation · 15/06/2019 09:23

because dealing with an oldie feels like a constant list of boring and unfulfilling jobs. That sounds awful doesn't it. No, not at all. It's easier dealing with Dad now he's in a nursing home because we have a chance to deal with the fun things. DH is taking in his iPad and they watch WWII radar stuff together. I can just let him talk while I crochet. o longer is it an endless round of cleaning his kitchen to a chorus of "No, don't do that, your time's too valuable, let me do that", checking on his medicines, checking his food stores, trying to relieve him of dirty clothes so they can be washed.

Do whatever you need to to relieve yourself of chores. A small flat can take just as much cleaning as a larger house because you can't spread yourself out.

OP posts:
Needmoresleep · 15/06/2019 09:07

Yolo, was thinking of you last night. I remember when he first learned that something was wrong. Eight or so hours is a huge operation. I really hope it went well, and that he has a smooth recovery.

notaflyingmonkey · 15/06/2019 09:02

How is your DH Yolo?

RosaWaiting · 14/06/2019 18:00

Having booked it, and being out for a chunk of the weekend, I’m now thinking, wow, that’s actually quite a lot of stuff I don’t have to do....