The second new shiny 2019 thread ...

YOLO!😀😀😀😀😀😀😀😀😀😀😀🥳🥳🥳
Wonderful wonderful news!!!

Well done to Mr Yolo and his perfect arse cheek!

Cockroach!

yolo ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

that's so great. Hugs all round

The two BEST words in the English language: 'cancer free'. Hospital phoned, op a complete success and no spread to any of the 10-12 lymph nodes removed. Best possible outcome. Rehab will still be long, he's in a lot of discomfort/pain still, but OMG the relief. Thank you all my oldie thread friends for your kindness and support.

@yolofish part of the problem is that he is NOT my dad. They married in their 60s (I was 40) and he is an unpleasant man, I will not take on any caring responsibilities for him, he has three sons of his own who are not and have never pulled their weight in looking after him. My mum has looked after him for nearly 20 years when he was diagnosed with epilepsy and began to decline.

nora I think you should be looking for carers for your mum as well as your dad, ideally via SS, so that they can continue where they are in the short term while you try and sort out long term care.

hopefully Friday's assessment will allocate carers just for your mum.

Mum has no medication needs apart from paracetamol for a sore back. She has alzhiemers but no medication (we have not had a full diagnosis yet- this is going to happen on Friday were I hope I can discuss care with the psychiatrist). I have a social worker coming in next week to do a care needs assessment and to be honest from what the doctor said the other day- the likelihood is that she will need residential care very soon. The carers going in now are from the after care team of the hospital from which mum's husband was released last week after an infection. He needs huge amounts of medication daily.

PS my dad went from fit and well to virtually bed bound in a very short space of time, so when I rang round agencies I had to ask for quite full on care - there's probably a lot less variation if you are asking for small tasks or someone to in 4 x a day.

but it sounds like you are saying your mum needs more medication than that?

and if she is not getting what she needs...?

I think unless you change the contract with the carers for her husband to include her, that's not fair to them, they can't just be asked to take responsibility for someone else.

in terms of fixing a carer from where you live, no offence, but you might have to do it eventually anyway. It might not be a bad idea to get to know local care agencies for a small task actually.

when I had to investigate care for dad - similar distance involved so research done by phone - I found there was a lot of variation in what different agencies would do. This was private because they don't qualify for social care, but the agencies used by the local authority actually came across much better than the private ones.

It seems over the top to employ a carer to administer 2 paracetomols four times a day. That is all mum needs in terms of medication at the moment but the dr wont prescribe anything in case mum overdoses. Mum is rubbing topical ibuprofen into her back at the moment and the doc says that is fine to carry on with.
I am going to not worry about it- I cannot fix up a carer from where I live (an hour away) just for a couple of paracetamol. I really don't get why the carers who are attending daily for her husband cannot do it- it seems uncecessarily bureaucratic that they refuse.

nora can you get a private Carer for your mum? I can’t recall if you are waiting on a social services assessment.

I'm going to call my friend today and see if she could come to a meeting with me. For now I've stalled on a meeting by suggesting we talk on the phone rather than face to face.

nota its not so much the perfect arse cheek, but what they do to remove the anus... I can give you the gory details but it makes an episiotomy look like a walk in the park!! sorry, TMI?!

nora that sounds like an absolutely hellish situation. Is there any money available in the short term to pay for a private carer to go in 4x a day to do meds? and for you to get through this. I would also be anxious about the sons ganging up on me, could at least a friend be there with you to balance the numbers?

Nora that sounds really stressful. Can you take a friend with you to the meeting with the brothers to even out the numbers?

I know on the one had we appreciate the Drs etc keeping us in the loop, but on the other, it sometimes just increases our mental burden if it feels they are telling us problems that we have no idea how to solve. The only thing that I learnt was to ask them what can be done about it, or what they would recommend happens when told yet another problem.

@thesandwich thanks- I've got a social worker coming to assess mum next week.
Today mum has said she thinks that she and husband might be better in residential care. They just sit all day in their flat that they've not properly moved into, waiting for a stream of carers to arrive to dish out meds' to him. Another dr called me today and said she won't give mum painkillers for her back because she's worried that mum will overdose by accident and the carers won't administer them because they are not there for mum, just her husband. It's only paracetamol but they won't take on responsibility of giving mum 4 doses of paracetamol a day.
I'm running close to the end of my rope, I can feel the stress and anxiety in every cell of my body, I want to cry but no tears come. My friends are great but I am so alone with it all. I don't know what to do for the best, I'm pulled in all directions and I can't see how I can get the right path for my mum.

Yolo am trying not to allow a mental image of your DH's perfect arse cheek enter my head...

nora you sound rightly wary.Would it be possible to include a social worker or representative on your team?
So sorry for what you are dealing with-or carers uk possibly to help? Your mum and stepdad need advocates for themselves-and please look for support for you.

One of the sons of mum's husband got in touch today. Wants to meet with me. That is reasonable but he wants to bring his brother, I feel outnumbered even at the idea of it- they seem to be hatching a plan to take either their dad or both mum and their dad to live at one of their homes but I cannot see that this is a good idea as mum will be booted out when he dies or they will be split up which they dont want.
Any ideas of ways I can say I only want to meet with one brother? I am pretty assertive but it feels uneven for there to be two of them and only one of me.
Mum's doctor called yesterday for a very frank conversation. Says mum has alzhimers almost certainly and that it is already in the middle stage and that we are heading for a "looming social care crisis" in how the two are to be looked after. It is terrifying. I am not sleeping and have lost over a kilo in the last week. I am snappy and irritable and it is not me- I am usually pretty even tempered.

yolo great news!

Brilliant news yolo!🍷🍷😀😀

today has been GOOD. drain fell out of DH arse cheek this morning, no worries as stoma nurse was visiting anyway. so I stuck a dressing on it and she took out the dangly stitch... we see the consultants tomorrow no idea if they will have lab results but everyone pleased with his progress. Stoma nurse said he has "a perfect bottom and a perfect stoma" - he now got very inflated head!!
AND DD1 got a 2.1 with honours in her degree!! which is a bloody achievement given what she has gone through in last 12 months - death of her grandma, death of her dog, her father has cancer. Very proud, and we are drinking fizz which I will regret in the morning.

yolo that sounds really tough- hope dog is helping you escape. 🌺 🌺
rosa I think there is a balance to be worked towards re visiting .... enough to sustain dm, but not drain you, and If you can find something in them for you, that is so much better.

Mere thank you.

Mum said she can't bear the hassle of those accounts, I do it for myself though.

We always look on MSE for linked accounts, so thank you for that too. Well, I look - mum doesn't but she asks me before she does anything.

she doesn't like direct debits and standing orders, she and my sister sit there harumphing about how the figure always goes too high. I just got a big credit on my elec bill and I was actually surprised - the amount of time I spend on MN, I thought the bills were probably right