New to care - advice please

Like many on here I've been through similar. I contacted Adult Services direct and requested a care assessment under the Care Act.
Social Worker came out to see DParent at home by appointment and I was present. I was very honest about what I was able to provide. They were reasonably supportive and there is now a care package in place. It's not perfect but it does help.

Hi OP, you need to go and see your GP and explain the situation your parent is in. Secondly, you may need to see her GP, although they can't tell you anything, they can listen. They may be able to go and do a mental capacity assessment first of all, and then help with getting social services involved.
Look up meals on wheels around where you are as they delivers meals daily to the person.

You have to put yourself first. Caring for people as well as your own family is so hard. We did it for my gran and gramp, but was more of us to share the work, and I was a professional career at the time so had a lot of experience etc.
the GP's were so helpful in both cases. My gramps declined carers, but with the help of the GP, he agreed to it and actually really enjoyed their company...
Don't go on like you are...your life matters too! And don't be bullied by parent into doing it...that is very selfish from their part. They need to except they need help, and that you can't be it all the time...good luck xx

Second what gooseberry said - social services much more accepting of limitations on what you were prepared to do. I'm retired, but they were very supportive of my need to keep my social networks going and continue my voluntary work in order to maintain my mental health. (Of course, it helps enormously on a personal level that my Dad feels the same).

Think hard about what you agree to - laundry twice a week sounds trivial but will morph into searching house for dirty items, persuading parents that "no, those trouser can't do another day", putting clean things away and then discovering that they've been taken out and muddled with dirty things, suddenly finding that there are NO clean pants ... in other words, even the most straightforward job can turn into a monster, so monitor what's happening and recognise when it's not working for you any more.

The assumption is that it is my job. My responsibility.
Honestly, you will find that once you tell social services your situation, they accept that it can't be your job - much more readily than family members will. In my case, I explained that I worked full time, had a child and lived x distance away, so couldn't do daily care. For you, I don't know if you're working but tell them that if so - but most importantly, you are the main carer for your young children and therefore cannot do daily care for this person. Once you say that, social services will look at what they need and how that is provided. It may be that you agree to do certain things, like laundry once or twice a week, or online shopping so that they have food delivered and in the house for when carers come -
I do these things, for example, though even these can be worked around as needed for things like holidays. But SS will not expect the daily care to be your responsibility. Make that call and start the process of gaining your freedom.

Re “the assumption is”
That is the assumption of the parent, not the state, I think. I have had one friend simply refuse to be involved with parental care in daily terms.

Op I’m not an expert but I’m sure more knowledgeable types will be along shortly

When my dad was needing care, it was Adult Social Services who assessed him. We did say that there were limits to what family could do, but I can’t say what would have happened next because our next step was care homes and then he died anyway, may he rest in peace and sing with the angels 👼

I think you will have to be very clear about not being over involved. Would you consider completely stepping back?

Do you know what the financial situation is?

Can they use the microwave? Make toast or a sandwich? If the answer to all that is no then you need to call in social services as pp have said. Otherwise you need to order online shopping deliveries and take them at their word that they don't need care. Sounds harsh but I've been through this denial of reality with my dad and you can talk till you are blue in the face about how you can't cope anymore but nothing changes till you take action.

OP can the person pay for care?

Also, sorry if I missed it but are they able to do anything like microwave food etc?

what you do in a crisis has a danger of becoming the new normal
Wise words indeed 👍
in fact I feel like writing it on my forehead today

The main thing that's expected of family to to act as coordinators, and also have power of attorney. You need to set your own limits and have a really tough conversation about what you will and won't do. As far as paying, you can ask for a reassessment if needs at any point, you are not expected to pay yourself

Unfortunately I don't think anything WILL change as long as you keep doing the care. Saying you won't/can't but then doing it anyway is obviously having no effect. Saying you won't/can't - and then NOT doing it anyway will work. But it will be hard.

I cared for my disabled father until his death. It nearly broke me. It was absolutely dreadful by the end. Don't let this situation get to crisis point.

when you talk about outsourcing lots of the practical care, who is paying? If that’s not too rude to ask? Social Services will pay for care, asking for a financial contribution from the person being cared for if they can afford it. The financial assessment is based first on savings, and if savings are not over a certain limit, then on income. As she's living at home, the value of the home won't be taken into account.

Is she already getting attendance allowance?

As people have hinted above you can yourself get an assessment of needs as a carer, and that might be a route in to persuading her that she needs to accept outside help.

You shouldn't be letting your own family suffer, and you shouldn't let your mental or physical health suffer else you won't be able to help anyone. Don't listen to anyone who isn't themselves caring for an elderly person - the people prepared to heap on the guilt are almost always people who have no experience of the draining effect of being on call 24/7.

You need to phone adult social care for your area. Explain the situation, that your mother needs care for lots of every day things, but that you are no longer able to provide this care. Tell them that she is refusing to let you engage support but that the situation isn't now desperate. They will visit your mother, probably sending in an emergency care coordinator. They will assess your mother and advise her of the support she is entitled to. You must NOT go back to continue with the support you have been giving until she utilises the professional support she is entitled to.

Have they had a full financial care assessment? Attendance allowance etc? Carers association may be able to support you- and help find ways forward.
But you do have a right to your own life!

What can be reasonably expected is, quite simply, what you are prepared to do. And as you have your own life and a young family then realistically that may not be very much.

However, you have to walk away from the guilt and harden your heart and leave your parent to it. And that's easier said than done, but they are being utterly selfish by refusing to recognise the problem and be quite happy for you to ruin your life running round after them.

It's not your fault they are disabled. It's not your fault they are in denial about the level of their care needs.

In your shoes I would be completely honest and say you cannot do this any more and they must find a way to manage their own care needs.

Just imagine if you broke a leg and were hospitalised and in traction for several weeks. What would they do?

You are NOT responsible for this situation - there are options and if they have the mental capacity then they need to explore the options. You running yourself ragged and neglecting your own life and your family can no longer be an option.

Yes it's going to be a tough conversation. Yes you are going to be accused of not caring, of being a bully, you will be on the receiving end of tears and heaven knows what.

But what's the alternative? Ask yourself that.

I am 58 and there is no way I would expect my only daughter to be doing what you are. This parent with full capacity should be doing everything possible to remain as independent as they can. You need to discuss this and tell them that 'll care should be paid for themselves. They should be paying out of thier benefits and topped up by savings. Why are you having to go every day.....and why and what are you having to do while there

OP I feel your pain but your children are young and you will wear yourself out and be no use to anyone. My parents are elderly and were just about managing my dad has early stage vascular dementia but my mum who is a bit of a martyr is in hospital at the moment. So we are all having to step in and do what we can. Dad can do beans on toast which he eats umpteen times a week but that’s about it, he can’t do the washing machine, is sometimes incontinent at nights but he’s been ok the last fortnight but can’t or won’t wash himself or go food shopping. I am trying to set up power of attorney which they have agreed to but apparently they don’t need any other help. They live in a house with one bathroom upstairs and I am sure they bought the house an ex council house with some dodgy company whereby they pay a minimal amount every month but it goes to that company after their day. My mom will need an assessment before she comes out of hospital but she’s saying she doesn’t need any help. I don’t know what the savings is like. I know they inherited some money from my grandfather and they made home improvements with some of this. But I know I may need to push to apply for attendance allowance sooner rather than later for one or both of them.

I do feel for you DogsLoveLakes you are as important as your Mother and you deserve to have help. You do not need to do this all yourself.

Whats the worse that can happen? Your Mum gets cross and upset with you but then has extra help or you leave things as they are you get ill and to breaking point and she has no help and you suffer.

If she can not or will not see that you need help you will have to ask for the it.

I realise that most of your energy is already used up but please do look after yourself.

Sorry you said not elderly so meals on wheels may not be suitable Our meals on wheels serves all ages.

You can ask for social services to assess your needs as a carer.

The situation will sort itself- from what you're saying you're near breaking point, so that breaking point will come sooner or later, and then the person will have to accept care from somewhere else. That's one reason people are saying act now, when you can apply some sort of control to the process, rather than when you're incapable either physically or mentally.

OP, the person involved has capacity - so they can see that you are cracking under the strain and they need to make an alternative arrangement.

you could call Adult Social Services on the basis that you can't look after them. It won't be well received - but how long can you go on like this?

can the person pay for private carers, that might be the best way forward. Has the person thought what happens if you get ill? Obviously I hope you don't, but it's just one of many possible problems of relying on one person for care.