My mum's funeral.....

Oh, and to answer your question.

No, not wanting to do it does not make you a bad daughter.

Organising what seems like a "social event" can be daunting in the first place, and even more so when you are sad, upset, angry, worried, away from home, lost, tired, emotional......etc, after losing a parent.

What you are doing now is doing some hard thinking, and planning, to try to fulfill your DM's wishes.

If anything, that makes you a GOOD DD, as you are evaluating your limits and seeing what is possible for you to fulfill those wishes.

You could just say that after the funeral you will be going to X local pub and others are welcome to join you there. You could do that, but you may be judged if you don't provide refreshments. Many pubs would lay refreshments on for you.

You could have a family only cremation and a later memorial service if you felt that would ease the pressure.

Would your mother want a church service - many churches have a function room and kitchen attached. If not, you can hire a village hall or other local space - Liberal Club, RAFA etc. Then your alternatives are a) persuade her friends to do the catering b) hire a caterer c) on-line ordering of sandwiches etc from M&S or one of the big supermarkets. Would need picking up on the day.

It's not as daunting as a social event. You don't need music or flowers, you don't even need a bar if you've tea, coffee and fruit juice available. It's literally find a room and put some light refreshments in it. Get some idea from the number of people who say "let me know the funeral arrangements" of how many will turn up and adjust refreshment order accordingly. People won't expect a full meal, just something to nibble on.

Do the telling in two goes - tell everyone as soon as possible, people know it's a big job and say "can I tell X and Y for you?". And drop into conversation with likely suspects your apprehension about organising from afar - you'll get offers of help. Then the number of people who ask you to let them know about funeral arrangements will give you and idea of numbers.

Maybe someone else will know - I think there's provision to pay funeral expenses from the Estate, whether you can get this paid out before Probate I don't know.

When I was helping do my mother's funeral, the "wake" wasn't a burden, what took us the time was tracking down the particular hymn and tune combination that she wanted and the various other details of the service. You have to do that anyway, even for a small funeral.

When my grandad died, and we had nearly 100 people and the flowers went from the grave all the way down to the entrance of the graveyard, it was comforting to know how much he was loved.

It sounds daunting, but it's really not as bad as you think.

If there are lots of clubs involved, does any of them have a hall or social centre that you can use?

Is there a Parish Hall that might allow tea and sandwiches after a funeral?
Is there a hotel, where all you do is tell them to lay on sandwiches/finger food and they will do all the "minding" of people?
And that's apart from getting a caterer to do something in the house itself (which I discounted as you said it was small).

If there are a few clubs, you may well find that they each are used to catering for their own groups, and have the few stalwarts in each who are great at the sandwiches, and "Mary and Carmel make great Victoria sponges, Eileen does the apple tarts, Anne does trays of brownies and Jennifer does lovely cupcakes"...sort of thing.

There will be people used to "setting up the hall" (laying out tables and chairs, putting out milk jugs and cups and plates, ....) and putting it back again afterwards.

And there's always a few who are more there to make up the numbers and do the sitting and talking part of it....

You might need to buy ingredients, or give them money to do that, or they may do it without any input from you.
A hotel will do it as well, and many pubs would too, but that would be more expensive.

Tea/coffee, sandwiches and cake is perfect. Including alcohol, or a hot meal, is good if you have the time, budget and opportunity to do that - but are not necessary.

Really, you are allowing a space to be provided for everyone to come together and remember the good things about your mum after the formal services are over. They will probably want to commiserate with you as family, but also take time together as her friends to remember her, and find out things they didn't know like the Bridge lady learning about how terrible she was at reading the books for book club, while telling everyone what a demon bridge player she was, and maybe someone else talking about her wonderful cuttings that she used to give others at the flower club......or whatever it is. Remembering funny stories of how they met, or how things were different (in whatever way) when they all started together, or other shared experiences.

Disclaimer, I come from Ireland where big funerals are very common. And many times, the family don't need to do a lot but to let people know times of services and the parish/clubs/societies/neighbours will all rally round to make it happen. And hotels and caterers are all well used to arranging these kinds of events at short notice, where all they want from you are rough ideas of numbers (and perhaps agreement on the food or a per person budget) and some general logistics, so that they will do the rest.

The nice thing if the friends do take over, is that you could go for a short while to remember your DMum and hear some of the nice things, but can slip out when you have had enough and go back to DMum's house for a smaller family gathering. I would make sure you have something in the house that you can easily cook - lasagna for the oven, pot of soup to just reheat, or a pot of curry or other sauce to serve with rice, sort of thing. You may NOT need it, but you want something that needs no thinking, can easily stretch if a few people come back with you, and that you can either use the next day/2 or transport back with you or freeze to use when you come back to clear the house (depending on your own personal logistics) or not feel guilty about discarding if need be. But you will need some substantial food at some point so do plan that ahead.

You may find that throwing yourself into organising stuff helps to distract you from the grief - but obviously you may not, and you probably know which is more likely for you personally!

I would make sure you know where her address book and Christmas card list are, so that you have the practical means of contacting people about funeral arrangements if necessary. Also you can ask people to tell each other - it sounds like many of them will know each other. And people will understand that you're bereaved and want to help you out. You will be cut a lot of slack, so don't worry about getting things 'wrong'.

You don't have to organise a big meal or party. You could just say that after the funeral you will be going to X local pub and others are welcome to join you there. You could inform the pub if you want, but you probably don't even have to do that.

The funeral company will also help guide you through many practicalities. They are used to it and it's part of their job.

Tricky one. Perhaps you could find an example of what she would like (e.g a newspaper clipping of a party -type funeral) and let the subject unfold?

The other option is just to be brutally honest and say what you said here. Explain that you do want to respect her wishes and a little planning will be very helpful.