My mum's funeral.....

PS When I said 'these places' for a wake, I mean some of the Age Concern places locally, maybe have a discreet word with someone so they can suggest just the place. Or if your mother mixes with a lot, surely she would know, having been to a few wakes herself?

Worst week of my life, my mum's funeral. Worse than the week of her death. That's when you begin to process it, esp if it's a month or so after.

Having to meet relatives you haven't seen in years is also a bind, it adds social pressure when you least need it. And you think, wow, really should have met up before this, not much point now...

So maybe arrange a pre-death funeral for your mum, like a dress rehearsal? As weird as that sounds - (and don't call it a funeral dress rehearsal, of course) it takes the edge of the actual event, because you get to meet everyone in a happier context i.e. when your mum is alive. No point in a get together when she's gone, she won't benefit. But it's mainly so on the event itself, you can say, 'I've done this...' And you've met everyone. This works if your mum is not imminently going to die of course, no good if it's in the offing as it will be deja vu!

For the day, it's different though for you cf others. They want sad music to cry a bit, and get in the mood, whereas if you're like me, that's the last thing you want for fear of a wretched breakdown, like Juliet Stevenson in Truly, Madly Deeply.

Also, for now get a nice large photo collage done of your mother's life on a board, or from Snappy Snaps. Do it now, scan in photos at your local library if they have a scanner, take them along to be done up, £100 usually and cheap compared to a funeral. Show it to your Mum. Then, at the funeral, you can wheel it out. But again, you don't want to do that after your Mum has died, and again, she won't benefit. Also, you don't want to do it just before your Mum has died ie just a month or so, because it will be ghoulish like you are willing on her death. So do that stuff now.

An iPod with fave tunes on a playlist. Again, do it now and she can benefit. Do it for the funeral, and you will kick yourself.

Ask locally where you may rent a place or large pub, but if she has loads of friends, money is a factor for a buffet spread, that said, some pubs don't do a buffet for less than 30 or so. Surely some of these places know what to do for a wake.

Eulogy, stick to one side of A4, mabye 500 words, any longer is fine if you are doing a 'turn' but you don't sound like you'd be up to it. It's basically an obituary. You can get the vicar to read it. Start maybe with a funny anecdote in the here and now, then broaden it out or go through stuff chronologically but a) Tone is more important than detail b) It can't be as detailed as the obits you read in The Times. c) You might reference some people in it your mother knows, to bring them in.

Money is always a factor but when it cost us £160 for the flowers to go on top of the coffin (with the unexpected request at the Church: do you want them to go in the grave with the coffin, or on top of the grave? Er, on top, we paid for them, we may as well see them for a bit) you do have to watch out for false economy when your parent is alive, even if penny pinching can give one the illusion of control when someone's life is slipping away from you and you don't feel in control.

My dad died not so long ago - tge thought of organising everything was daunting to start with but we found that the undertakers were so helpful and they took much of the arrangements off our hands - we still chose the music, readings etc but they arranged the crem, and the order of the day. Several hotels nearby also have ‘funeral tea’ menus so all we had to do was estimate how many would want to stay for tea and leave it to them. People really do try to make things as easy as they can at such a difficult time.
My big piece of advice though is to make sure that your mums will is up to date and that the executors understand her wishes - my aunt died last year (she brought me up after my mum died) and her will was so badly written that we are still trying to sort it all out.

OP I am sorry for your loss

I lost my dad last year and a friend of his organised the funeral - I would have done it if I had to of course, but I am overwhelmingly grateful to the friend who did it, as Mum was in such a state - also a case of illness and horribleness before the death.

I completely understand why you are worried about it but I would actually suggest not thinking about it. Your mum might change her mind. Interestingly my mum has already said she wants the simplest thing possible because she doesn't want me to endure a full funeral again, so to speak.

I do think it can be far too much for someone grieving, not just to do all this, but to actually face it and be there. It might be better to let the WI organise a memorial, that's another way to respect your mum's wishes to have an event.

When my dsis died we spoke to the local Toby and they reserved an area in the pub for us . We could have had a separate room if we'd wanted one. They laid on a hot buffet of lovely food, and it was all warm, welcoming and comfortable. And cheap! People paid for their own drinks

We hired a local pup and asked them to put on a buffet That takes assistance dogs to a whole new level

Sorry. I'll get me coat.

"Mum, you keep saying stuff like 'every day is a bonus' or 'I could be dead in a year' so I think you'll agree we need to have a conversation..."

Your mum sounds fairly pragmatic. Perhaps you could ask her to fill in a form like this one:

www.bereavementadvice.org/globalassets/pdfs/bac/advance_funeral_wishes.pdf

Tell her she doesn't need to fill everything in but highlight the things you really feel you need to know.

I understand you want as little as possible to do with the undertakers, that's understandable but, don't rule out their help and expertise just to save a bit of money.

Also, you said yourself upthread, you're in your sixties, you're not a teenager... when it comes to it, you'll be fine, because there is no choice

I arrange funerals at work - lots of people don't have plans but it's helpful to know their wishes. I would look for a church hall and get caterers or pub with a private room ideally, it means they take care of everything. We charge £60 for a funeral and catering is from £6/head typically.

Being cynical, depending on your views of the afterlife, it can make it easier if she doesn't express a preference - you can just go for Crem B, and then just do your best with the rest of it to produce something that the people attending feel she would have liked. She'll tell you the things that are really important to her. I've told my family my burial/cremation preference and one piece of music I want - the rest of it they can sort out as they wish, and I don't want people pestering me for the details. Bad enough realising what it means to be mortal.

Nobody expects anything of you on the day, just provide the room and some refreshments and let them get on with it.It really doesn't make it any more difficult that there's lots of people, as long as you have a ball-park figure of whether you need to cater for 20 or 80.

I think perhaps you should try to park this for a while. It's too close to your Dad's death, and not only are you grieving, you were working with your Mum on his, and the mere thinking of the funeral which you will arrange on your own is reminding you that you won't have your Dad's support. You don't have to pre-prepare - you can quite safely push it to the back of your mind for 6 months. People cope with unexpected deaths and produce a good funeral - it's what everyone involved (funeral directors and caterers) is set up for.

(And it might be too soon after her husband's death for your Mum to want to think about it).

In my opinion you are over-thinking this - although as your Dad died so recently, I can understand why.

I am a similar age to you, and when Mum died (having never discussed her funeral), we cracked on with what we thought she would like - even if we made wrong decisions, it was all done from love.

Mum lived (and died) with us, and it had been a very stressful and emotional period, but organising her funeral was the last thing I could do for her, and I think it helped.

But please don't spend time worrying about this now, enjoy spending time with your Mum while you've got her.

• Sorry - your local sibling. It could of course be a brother

Some Funeral directors will organise "send offs" and it doesn't have to be in a home. My FIL's was at the local Golf Club (he had a lot of people at his). You can even talk to local funeral directors now , and they can advise you of their services - it's much easier to talk to people when not grief stricken. My DH's Aunts was at the Care home she was in at the end, and it was very nice.

What BiddyPop and *Buttermints have said.

If she is a 'jiner' then engage the help of the organisations she belongs to. At both my Mum and my Dads funerals, clubs they belonged to asked if they could 'host' the tea after the funeral, out of respect and love for the people they knew and loved.

The funeral and tea are a really important part of the grieving process for most people.

Even if no-one will help you (which I doubt as you say she is involved with different groups) then speak to the Funeral directors - they will know of the local hotels, pubs, social clubs etc that regularly cater for funeral teas.

Just throw money at it. You are overthinking, which is understandable given your recent loss. There will be hotels or bars with function rooms in the vicinity of the local crematoriums that will be used to doing this. You give rough numbers and they do the rest. You could get a funeral plan list and leave it with her to fill in.

Hi OP. Sorry about the loss of your father but dealing with your Mum's funeral doesn't have to be as hard as you think. (I've lost both parents and more recently a sibling by the way so I do understand).

First, the funeral directors will walk you through everything. It's their job. It's what they do. They will simply recommend your Mum's nearest crematorium so that answers that question. For the wake, I would simply book either your Mum's local pub or a pub close to the crematorium and tell them you want a buffet for (roughly) x people with tea and coffee - no one will expect you to buy drinks.

Ask your Mum if there's anyone she'd like to say a few words. Ask her does she have any favourite hymns or songs she'd like. Perhaps your local sister could at least have the conversation?

Make sure you get the word out quickly so you can get an idea of numbers.

I just hope that she will bear in mind the stress her wishes may cause for the family at what will be a very difficult time.

I understand it will be a difficult time of course but I think you're being a little unfair to her there. I've been to too many funerals in my life. One or two have been desperately sad but most have been a wonderful celebration of the loved one's life - especially the older ones when they've had their their score years and ten - and then some. All their families will have gone through the same thing and when it comes to it, I'm sure you'll find the strength to step up

Difficult trying to do your best for everyone, isn’t it?
When my DM died, years after DF, we had the ‘after the funeral gathering’ in a hotel near the church. They were excellent, it was really no fuss for us, they just put on a nice buffet in one of the lounges, with tea and coffee, and we put some money behind the bar (nobody abused it). It wasn’t like having to organise a party IYSWIM. Wasn’t stupidly expensive either. I did think about doing it at my home, but the distance wasn’t practical and afterwards I was glad I hadn’t.
The funeral directors will have a list of places that do post-funeral catering, if that would help you.

My DM had a lot of friends and most I didn't know because I lived miles away. As she was ill for many years we had time to discuss these things and once I did ask her if she wanted me to organise a wake/gathering to remember her or not and she said she did.

We hired a local pup and asked them to put on a buffet and we put a few hundred pounds behind the bar (it helped that it wasn't an expensive area). I asked a few people who knew her to spread the word amongst her friends that we would be remembering her at the pub after the funeral. The minister also mentioned that people were welcome to come and remember her afterwards at the pub during the service. Quite a few people attended, the pub laid on finger buffet food and had an area for us to sit in.

Funerals are tricky. The person whose funeral it is will never, by definition, know what it was like. So it is very largely done for the sake of the living who want a chance to say goodbye and remember the deceased. It's also done as a ritual stage in mourning and the older I get the more value I see in these conventions, as it helps other people remember that you are very recently bereaved when they hear you say something like 'And we haven't even had the funeral yet' or 'To be honest the funeral knocked me for six and that was a month ago now'.

However, a good funeral should certainly be focused on what the deceased person was like. I saw a documentary once about funerals where a young man was arranging his elderly aunt's funeral in a way that was very clearly all about him and nothing at all to do with what his aunt and her friends were like. It was a marked contrast to another family shown where two daughters were laying their father out and showing such love and devotion to his memory and all their shared memories.

One reason for making it a celebration/memorial of the person who's died is that the disparate group that comes together for the funeral may have nothing much else in common except their relationship to the deceased.

Your mum clearly has a lot of friends who will mourn her passing, not in the same way you will, but they will have a lot of shared memories and they will want to talk to you and to each other out of respect for her memory and out of consideration for her loved ones. Arranging a good send off will let them do that.

I wonder if it would help to get your mum to make a list of people who should be contacted if anything happens to her. She knows you live at a distance so won't have the contact details of her local friends. That would be a start towards starting to talk about arrangements. Also, you could ask if she has a prepaid funeral or if she has an insurance policy set aside to pay for her funeral. A lot of older people did, decades ago. Practical details might be the way in to this.

I think your being a little selfish & you should give her the send off she would like. How many birthday's, Christmastimes, holiday's & general happy memories has she given you over a life time not to mention bringing you into this world in the first place & you don't want to organise one day?

Thinking out loud, would it be worth putting a funeral pre-payment plan in place? It's not so much the money as the way it concentrates the mind on the details. That way, you can be sure she gets exactly what she wants.

I've put a lot of thought into what my parents funerals will be like as I live a good distance from them and there will be lots of other things to sort if one of them dies. I had to ask dad explicitly (mum has dementia) which was a very difficult conversation but at least I know that he wants a woodland burial which mum had said before she'd like, I'll use the funeral director dad knows, and would do a gathering at a local pub just getting them to do food in the function room.
The trouble with getting the WI to do stuff is that you could end up with a barrage of questions, rather than making one phone call and being done.

Just to say thanks and to respond...

I did a lot for dad's funeral- well, was there when the FDs came round and I put the ad in the local paper (with mum's wording.)

I don't know if she wants a church service. She seems in 2 minds last time it was mentioned and I doubt it as it would be a cremation. She/we as a family are also against the usual eulogy so that might go by the by.

I think one issue would be 'which crem'! Dad chose his in one city for various reasons but all of her family were cremated in another city! She needs to decide which; dad's crem was much nicer and easier to access.

She is a member of the local WI which has a large membership, and that's where most of her friends are, and they meet in a hall attached to the church. I suspect that if it was available, her friends would suggest they all brought something to eat and put on a spread there. OR there is a nice hotel nearby where they could do a buffet tea of some sort perhaps.

I feel slightly annoyed over it all because dad was strictly 'no fuss' yet she seems to be ignoring the fact that whatever she wants will impact on those of us left to plan it without any consideration that it 's going to be down to me to sort it all.