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Elderly parents
Original poster

Parents moving back somewhere I worry is dangerous

59 replies

Nonky · 27/01/2019 11:32

Hello I’m not sure what to do (if anything) so thought I’d ask here as I always get great advice!
I have never really got on with my mum (long story) but have always looked after her and my father and been supportive. Recently Dad nearly died. Again, a long story but he is now on the mend. It is going to be a life long condition he has to live with and my mum has also been ill resulting in her being unable to drive.

Whilst my father was in hospital for 9 weeks she was unable to do a thing. Partly due to living in the middle of nowhere, 2 hours from where me and my sister live. She couldn’t even walk to a shop or postbox it’s so remote. I went on leave for 2 months to do everything for her including visiting my father with her (a four hour round trip from home) in hospital every single day.

I have begged them to reconsider living there. Whilst Dad was ill they said they realised they couldn’t carry on the way they were. I did all my fathers consultant meetings, was officially next of kin and my mum just froze.

Now he is on the mend and will hopefully be able to drive in the next few months they’ve decided now to stay where they are! I’ve tried and tried (and cried and shouted and everything else in between) to get them to see if my father has to have another hospital stay (which is quite likely) she is again in the middle of nowhere.

I put my life and my families live on hold for two months and I’m pleased I did this (even though my mum has shown no gratitude and just says she didn’t ask me to help!) but I cannot do this again.

I’ve explained this and they’ve both just said they will deal with it at the time. I have stressed to them that if they make this decision they are putting both their lives at risk and whoever is left at home will be stuck. They don’t seem to care. On one hand I understand but on the other hand I think they are being very selfish as who is going to help them out when things go wrong again?

Any advice? Reading this back I don’t think there is really. It doesn’t help that I have other elderly relatives phoning me to say they can’t believe how I haven’t moved closer to them (er... jobs, kids, mortgage etc), why I haven’t given up my job to help them more (again mortgage!) and how if it was their daughter they know their daughter would not let them live so dangerously!

OP posts:
ragged · 27/01/2019 16:01

I am so profoundly not going to do this to my kids. Well, as long as I have my faculties I won't.

You can't make the horse led to water drink any of it, sorry.

Original poster
Nonky · 27/01/2019 15:44

My sister leads a busy and child free life with a full time job and for some reason my parents and her have presumed (wrongly but that's how it is) as i work part time then of course I could do the bulk of the care. She is also as stubborn as they are!

As far as my mum is now saying, she never needed my help and didn't want me to do so much as she was perfectly capable of managing at the time. The thing is, I hadn't done what I did, my critically ill father would have been on his own in hospital for 8 weeks whilst she sat at home unable to get anywhere or do anything!

I can see I have little choice other than to back right off now which seems awful after we thought he was going to die.

OP posts:
Grace212 · 27/01/2019 14:01

what does your sister think?

would she join you in a kind of intervention where you say, right, if this happens again, YOU will have to do the following because we can't just drop our jobs and our families?

WofflingOn · 27/01/2019 12:58

Suggest to the Elderly Interfering Relatives that they redirect their energies into phoning your parents to persuade them to move.
At least it might get them off your back. Don’t feel guilty, your parents make their own choices and you have other responsibilities.
When my Great aunt became too fragile to manage, her sister moved in with her. Perhaps the Ageing Relatives might liketo consider that?

MoreHairyThanScary · 27/01/2019 12:55

Step back easy to say much harder to do.

Your mum has a capacity and if your dad is likely to be driving again it sounds like he does too. Tell them in a letter if necessary, that you do not have the ability to drop everything again if either of them need support. You have to now put your children first they have made their decision and now they need to live with it but you will not be there to pick up the pieces, If help is required you will make sure that adult social care have their details.

Really you have to play hard ball, they are walking all over you and it will not get any better. ( as for the older relatives they can do one.... they do not get to fill you with guilt over something you can not control )

Original poster
Nonky · 27/01/2019 12:50

Thank you. I think this may be the kick up the arse I needed and to hear other people say it’s ok to do that. They told me I was selfish for wanting them to move to make my life easier and they don’t need my help. But having given up everything in the last two months to a constant carer and driver and hospital visitor and medicine collector and sorting out online shopping/online appointments everything as they weren’t able to do it I don’t think I am being selfish. They can’t do it on their own. They keep saying their friends will help. But they didn’t when it really mattered so why would they now?!

OP posts:
Skimmedmilk1 · 27/01/2019 12:42

Let then live with the consequences and they'll soon change their minds. Suggest you have a hugely busy fortnight and be completely unavailable.

TheABC · 27/01/2019 12:40

Step back. You have been facilitating them by being on-call for two months, so they have not had to face the difficulties of living alone. As adults, they have made the decision to stay. Give them the local taxi numbers and set up online shopping for them (if they don't have it already).

Give yourself a break. At the very least, it allows you to recharge before the next crisis hits. It's also worth remembering that although you are their child, you don't have to be their rescuer. Ignore the other elderly relatives. They are being impractical and just laying the guilt on you as a default, since they are not exactly helping themselves!

Winterlight · 27/01/2019 12:33

I have no advice but you have my sympathy.

The circumstances with my aged parents are different but I ‘m constantly frustrated by my mums stubborn refusal to face the reality of their changed circumstances.

Both are 88, dad is in the late stages of dementia and every week brings a new low, yet her favourite saying is ‘when things get back to normal’. Complete denial; as if we just ride this week out somehow everything will all magically go back to them living as they did in their 60’s.

I understand it but It’s selfish because it puts you you in constant state of anxiety as you wait for the crisis that you know is coming and that you’ll have to clear it up.

Alas I wish I knew the answer.