Parents moving back somewhere I worry is dangerous

It sounds like they are very ungrateful. In this case though it gives you a complete out for future help, if family phone to ask why you aren’t helping you can say that your mum and dad would rather be independent and don’t want your help. If your dad is in hospital you can visit once a week and your mum can visit as she chooses.

How awful that sounds to you, that is really their choice. If she would rather let your dad die alone than call a taxi then that says enough about her. She doesn't want to make an effort.

Write a few replies down if they ask for stuff and practice saying them.

Dad's in hospital again I need to visit him - 'oh no! Have you got a taxi number?'

there's no food in the house 'oh mum! how are you going to manage?'

Just let them call you when they need you.

@Grace212 SW would bring you under their wing and act on your behalf.

For OP the crushing disregard and disrespect from her parents is a cruel blow immediately after she’s shown huge compassion& care by reprioritising her affairs for a lengthy period. My DF in particular never recognised or acknowledged risk. OP’s parents in just a few sentences worth of description sound like they would be on exactly the same page. I think probably 50% of population might share these traits...

@Fortysix

I think a lot of people would simply walk away in your situation.

what happens when people don't have PofA and don't have anyone to look after that aspect for them, I wonder.

I would like to live in the middle of nowhere, I do understand that, but I don't have children to burden with the results if I choose to do it.

Good for you, Nonky.

When my parents moved the ground rules of our relationship changed. They absolutely put themselves first. They disregarded all rational argument. All the frailties my DSis and I predicted did come true. But it was their decision to make. Grieving for them began then and there.
Spare yourself a whole lot of pain by just accepting their decision quickly. It's easier all round.
One last piece of advice, somehow before things between you and your parents get strained any further, make sure your sister or you have PoA for them. Mine did not allow us PoA and it went spectacularly badly. I have been doing my mum's annual Guardianship financial submission today and it brings all the rubbish stuff right back.

Nonky It's hugely hurtful and distressing when they choose to forget so quickly just how involved you have been. However, in my parents' case, they became even more defiant and did it any way.
Back off for the next year or two. Prioritise your children and DH. See them once a month and try to tie in that your sister sees them the alternate fortnight. Encourage them to find a decent GP surgery and avail themselves of all the local services that may support your mum's disability. Try to suggest a downstairs bathroom and bedroom is a minimum requirement. If they are in their mid 70s, they may limp along for another four or five years before they actually need major intervention.
Let them reap what they have sown; if things go pear-shaped big time it sounds like they might have financial means to undo their mistake so it might not be forever.
My mum was eventually sectioned and my dad had a catastrophic accident in the house because of the unsuitable stairs. However, I'm sure if my dad was alive and my mum had her marbles, they would still do it all again.
Mine were very fortunate they had the services of an exceptional social work team for nearly ten years and better than average hospital provision. They actually lucked out by their new postcode. However, the reality of the situation was because my mum was isolated her dementia took hold faster.

I could fill a book with their tales. My DF abandoned in the garden for four hours one January teatime when he tripped in the garden and my muddled mum thinking he was at a hospital appointment. Or when they had the police rescuing them both walking separately on a motorway hard shoulder. Or being driven to a cash point by bogus tradesmen who stole £700 to wash their driveway. But it was their choice and they never once regretted it despite their troubles.

Sounds like they either have to get paid help or move...I feel for you OP, but it seems like they need to experience the consequences of their choices.

if they have money, they can get where they need to go by taxi. I agree, if they can live in the middle of nowhere, they are able to cope with stuff.

Nonky, from what you are saying, it sounds like that really is how they want things to be.

do you mind if I ask how old they are? I have heard it said that at a certain age, the stress of moving can be so full on - wondering if your parents would prefer to just be stuck, or reliant on cabs that they can afford, it seems, rather than move?

can they do their own online shopping?

If they had said that to me about how they wouldn't do the same, I don't think I'd ever speak to them again, to be frank.

@Fortysix

how did that turn out?

I do know of one similar situation when a widow of that age moved somewhere far from her children, but she didn't put upon them for support.

You must not facilitate them next time - because there will be a next time, and a time after that, and a worse time....

Have a think now about what you are prepared to do - and you will have to do some stuff, there's no escaping - but have some kind of a plan in place. Eg one visit a week plus their online shopping or whatever.

Also may be worth checking out local services round them (Good Neighbour networks, taxi services, Age UK Home Helps, care agencies, care homes that offer respite, pharmacies that will deliver/online pharmacy etc etc) and get a handle on whether they have savings that would mean they would be self funding if they have care needs. Don't tell them any of this by the way, keep it for when you need it.

If they do crack, could they afford to move nearer to you?

My parents did exactly this to my Dsis and I when they were 74. They moved somewhere an hour away. My DM was exhibiting signs of dementia and my DF's driving was going downhill fast. New location had no near by bus service and a taxi to the station was £12.
We wrote them a letter and we talked to them and it made no difference.
If anything we made them even more stubborn. What made matters worse was that house overlooked a landfill site.
Your recent update is the way to proceed. Do more of your own thing and MUCH less of theirs

aw, Nonky, do you want a hug? (we tend not to call hugs "unmumsnetty" on the Elderly Parents board).

You sound like you have done so much for your folks. i know the guilt thing is easier said than done, but honestly, you have made so many sacrifices, you couldn't have done more. I hope for everyone's sake it doesn't happen again, but they will have to manage, even if it means taking a lot of taxis - which may cost less than the income you've lost? - and a parent spending time alone in a hospital.

I am hoiking my bosom in indignation at how they are treating you really!

OP, so your sister doesn't help but she expects you to?

I find it extraordinary that your mum isn't appreciative of what you have done.

I think you do need to have a serious talk with them and say "right, you say you would have managed without me, so I assume you have plans in place to do that if I'm not able to take another two months off work"!!! Jeez. I feel for you