Hi all. Just wondering whether anyone is in a similar situation to me. For those that haven't read any of my posts before, my parents live with myself and DH, albeit mostly in a separate part of the house. I'm 'unofficially' one of my dad's carers, thing is, he and my mum are starting to need more help than I am really able to give. My mum's permanently exhausted, looks thin and ill, is possibly starting with dementia, and refuses to see a doctor for any of these things. DH and I already do most of the cooking between us, we have a cleaner that my parents contribute towards (albeit my mum won't allow the cleaner into 'their' parts of the house, but also isn't up to much cleaning atm, with the result that parts of their rooms are filthy including the toilet - she gets tearful when I offer to clean for them), I take them to all their medical appointments (neither of them can drive any more), organise virtually all the shopping, do 'ad hoc' errands etc. None of which I begrudge doing.
But I'm gearing up for a conversation about wanting us to look into whether there's any additional outside help available. My dad's started to hint that he thinks I should take over absolutely everything (all the cooking/cleaning/shopping, this is a large 3-storey house mind you) and I think he's also hinting that he wants me to take over parts of his personal care so my mum can get more rest. (I'm completely put in the middle over this issue - if my mum gets to hear that he's said these things, she gets angry and says it's up to her how much she chooses to do, meanwhile my dad's telling me to ignore her and that she's in a terrible state and needs me to do it all). Every day is a farce of my mum saying she can cope and my dad telling me not to listen to her and me not knowing who to believe.
I feel awful typing this, but although in a perfect world I wouldn't begrudge doing these things, I'm just not up to it. I'm already at full stretch and beyond. I have my own health issues - anxiety/depression, menopause issues, a sleep disorder and chronic fatigue (and am feeling increasingly hurt that my dad doesn't seem to care about these things, I can't remember the last time anyone except DH asked how I am or how I'm coping) plus I can't afford not to work - a recurring bone of contention because DH earns a good salary and my parents have never understood why I feel any need to earn my own money, but I have business and personal costs to meet just like any adult human being. I'm self-employed and work from home, but I'm sometimes guilt-tripped about the fact that I'm not a housewife 'on call' for them 24/7/365, and I'm sure my dad thinks I should stop working and just live off DH and be their full-time carer. A part of me feels guilty that I'm not doing exactly that, like it makes me a bad daughter (no siblings to help out BTW). A part of me also knows my dad's being unreasonable - he's recently taken to getting upset/huffy at the prospect of me ever going for holidays or weekends away and leaving them alone, and over my spending much-needed downtime on my hobbies, it's like I'm not allowed a life and of course I know he is BU in this regard - but I honestly don't know where to strike the balance between setting limits and helping them. All I know is I need to tell them I can't do it all and can't cope any more with everything that's being put on to me.
Before this move took place, they assured me that they weren't going to expect me to do all the care if one/both of them became incapacitated, yet now all I seem to hear is that outside health/care workers e.g. physios, care workers that have come in in the past to help with washing/dressing my dad in the morning 'aren't worth the bother', 'you never know what time they're going to come', etc etc, which has led to a situation where my mum keeps saying she can cope, anyone can see she can't and the effort is making her ill, and every time she's out of the room my dad hints I'm not doing enough to help her.
My dad verbally fights me tooth and nail when doctors need to be called and can be very nasty (he's suffering from quite severe depression and I do make allowances, but it's so stressful and hurtful regardless). Several times I've been the only one to face up to the fact that he urgently needed (life-saving) medical attention and get it for him, but this is never acknowledged and I'm never thanked, I just get my head ripped off all over again the next time it occurs.
Also, and I'm ashamed to type this, but I've never done toileting or washing or anything of that nature, sooner or later I know I'm going to have to, and the thought of it just horrifies me. I realise this is pathetic but I never had kids and I've never wiped a bottom in my life other than my own. Obviously I will do it if/when I ever need to, but I just can't seem to make myself feel as OK about doing it as my dad seems to think I should.)
Sorry, I've segued into a vent here, but I just feel like I'm drowning. DH understands, sympathises and helps out somewhat, but seems to think all it takes is 'an assertive conversation' with my parents and everything will magically be fixed. He doesn't have a clue about the layers of denial, tears, manipulation, gaslighting and guilt-tripping that go on whenever I try to talk realistically to my parents about the future. I've had umpteen 'assertive conversations', or tried to. Every time I try to raise any of this with them, they just cry and try to make out I'm being unfair/too hard on them which I honestly don't feel I am.
Anyway, my question is this: I've tried to raise it with my parents umpteen times about letting me look into what outside help might be available, e.g. whether home helps still exist, whether my parents are entitled to any at-home care (I realise costs would be involved, but they always claim they'd be able to afford it and I have a rough idea of their finances and believe them - I honestly think it's just pride, and the convenience of having me on tap, that stops them looking into what's available or allowing me to.) They keep trying to tell me there isn't anything available and I don't believe them, but don't know where to start looking. I realise they might be frightened DH and I will put them in a home, but it's not what we want unless it becomes medically necessary, they've been reassured on that score.
Sorry about the long/rambling/whingeing, it was partly just that I desperately needed to get this out. I suppose my question in a nutshell is where do I start trying to figure out what help, if any, is available?