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Elderly parents
Original poster

Elderly mum and excessive worrying/anxiety from her- LONG sorry!

32 replies

ThePurpleOneisMine · 20/01/2019 10:21

Help!
My mum is old but in good health for her age.

She's always been a 'worrier' - catastrophising about everything especially anything to do with travel but at the same time has a lopsided perspective- ie won't go on a longish journey with my brother who holds an Advanced Motorist cert, but she will go out on local trips with her 80+ yr old friends who are terrible doddery drivers.

Just giving you the picture.

She's begun to get worse with her anxiety. I live a long way from her and drove home recently. I was stopping to see a friend en route for a cuppa, and mum casually asked how long I'd be seeing her for. I gave an estimation.

Later that day mum was calling my DH to see if I'd arrived back, had he heard from me, she'd heard the weather might be getting worse etc etc and this was all down her to her 'estimation' of when I ought to be home.

I always tell her that I will call her as soon as I arrive home and I DO!

My brother is going on hols soon and she wants him to call her daily to say he's okay.

Once, a couple of years ago, I was staying with her and went into town to shop etc and said I might have a walk along the river bank (busy- tourist destination.) She was calling me on my mobile, asking if I was okay as I didn't come back when she expected. (I was sitting in a cafe having a cuppa.) I wasn't even out long, just longer than she 'thought'.

She thought I'd been murdered ( she didn't say that, but that was her train of thought- me on a riverbank, must be attacked.)

Years ago when my DCs were young and DH travelled a lot, she'd call me in the morning to check 'we were okay' joking had we been murdered overnight.

It's exhausting. The back history is that years ago when I left uni, I left home and moved 300 miles away (partly as that is where the job offer came from) but ALSO because she was suffocating then, I had no privacy, she wanted to know all my movements (with boys/men) .

Even now in my 50s I feel she is keeping tabs on me in a way that I resent.

She does things like calling my brother - who works 30 mins drive from his home- if there is bad weather, to ask if he's got home okay.

There is caring and there is obsessive behaviour like this.

If she was younger, I'd suggest CBT or something but even now me and my brother are worried that she is going to make herself ill with the stress she puts herself under with these dark thoughts she has.

Is there anything we can do? I feel if I talk to her she will just dismiss her behaviour as being 'caring' but it's more than that- it's like a MH issue.

OP posts:
Original poster
ThePurpleOneisMine · 20/01/2019 11:53

Thank you.
That's exactly it- no freedom- having to account for my every move.
My mum doesn't accept she has an issue- for her it's all about 'caring' but it was that very same 'caring' that sent me leaving home decades ago as it was oppressive and intrusive. I feel I can't see who I want to without telling her who it is and TBH it's none of her business.

But now, although it's highly annoying, I worry about the impact on her own health- her exhaustion from over-worrying!

She face looks as if it's contorted into an anxious expression ALL of the time.

You know what it's like- you do a long drive in traffic and all you want is to get in, unpack the car and have a drink- and give yourself an hour to unwind- before phoning your mum and chatting.

I suppose I could just text her- that's what we do with my DD when she's travelling- just 'Back'.

Or, the idea of saying I'd call at X time is also a good one.

The thing is, if 'anything happened' she'd be notified. It's terrible to think she's sitting there wringing her hands till I call.

OP posts:
DuffBeer · 20/01/2019 11:50

Mine is exactly the same. She is exhausting.

She also takes on the burden of everyone else's problems too "because I worry you know"

She also doesn't sleep properly, because she's up all night fretting and worrying.

It's incredibly frustrating but in recent times I've just tried to be more empathic and not let it get to me because it must be utterly horrendous to live like that.

MereDintofPandiculation · 20/01/2019 11:21

DF is a worrier - not about me, so I don't have the oppressive behaviour that you are suffering - but his worries put him at greater risk than the dangers he's trying to avoid (eg worrying about food production standards to the extent of malnutrition). No advice, sorry - the biggest hurdle is that he doesn't accept he's worrying unnecessarily (it's that I don't have the same sources of info as him so I don't understand the problem), and I think you have the same problem with your Mum - in her view, she's not "anxious" in a medical sense, she just normally concerned.

With PILs we routinely added an hour or two on to any journey time, so we could at least get home, unpack, and relax for a while before phoning to say we'd arrived.

Also, you need to cast aside any guilt you may feel about lying. Invent what you need to give yourself "out of contact" time.

Peepingsnowdrops · 20/01/2019 11:00

Yeah I get you. You don't really have any freedom from her. Could you be blunt and say ' mum I will call at six o clock' please wait and I will call. No fussing please.. I am 50 years old. No nonsense please

Would that work? If she calls don't answer but ring at six .. mum no fussing please ... if you don't engage could that work?

Original poster
ThePurpleOneisMine · 20/01/2019 10:35

It IS really hard. It annoys the hell out of me, but lately it's more about her health. She evidently went to bed last night at 6pm- 'exhausted' and some of that would be down to chewing herself to bits the night before my journey home - lack of sleep I suspect.

I don't even tell her now when I'm visiting as she gets herself so worked up. But obviously I can't hide my return trip!

I think sh'd poo-poo the idea of medication, though suggesting it her might shock her a bit to make her see how excessive it is.

It's something counselling/ CBT would perhaps deal with but any time we've mentioned her behaviour she just says 'It's her nature'.

But it's exhausting and also means I feel she's 'keeping tabs on me' if i want to stop off and see friends on my way home- she wants to know exactly who, how I know them etc and quite honestly it's none of her business- I'm late 50s FFS!

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Peepingsnowdrops · 20/01/2019 10:25

This is really tough. I wouldn't engage as much. Could you say 'mum that is kind of you but really you are worrying and that is the issue'
My mother in law is like this and I have pulled back a lot (she is lovely but lives in the gp surgery and has everyone rallying around and fussing) I just don't be as available but when it is genuine I go out of my way.
Does she need to take something for anxiety perhaps?

Original poster
ThePurpleOneisMine · 20/01/2019 10:22

Oh and ps- I didn't stay with my friend for ages- about 15 mins longer than I'd suggested to mum, which over a 5hr trip is neither here nor there,

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