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Elderly parents
Original poster

Behaviour of elderly Dad

94 replies

paulfoel · 04/01/2019 15:26

My elderly Dad is a complete nightmare anddoes a good job of annoying me a lot of the time! I shouldn't let it get to me and should be more firm with him. But I was thinking about what does wind me up and wonder whether you all think my approach is right with what I expect etc from elderly person.

  1. If you can do it yourself or help yourself then do it. Don't expect others to help because you can't be bothered.
  1. Help others to help you and be a little bit flexible. Don't be stubborn and want things all your own way especially when others are sorting things out to make everyones life easier.
  1. Appreciate that family have other responsibilities and not just you. You don't have a right to unlimited time.

Sadly, my Dad fails badly on all three of these.....

If he can get someone to do something for him he just won't bother himself (in fact, I think he likes having someone run around for him). He is totally inflexible and won't listen to anyone its his way or not at all - in the past hes expected me to travel 2 hours to pick him up to take him to appointment rather than pay for a £10 taxi. Worse of all - he does not care about what I've got on, issues/responsibilities I have for my own family - and has said he expects to be put first.

Am I being unfair on him?

/rant over

OP posts:
Grace212 · 05/01/2019 14:12

x post

your brother has no right to criticize, I'd be hanging up the phone on that.

bit puzzled why your dad doesn't have a washing machine - did he used to use the launderette as an outing type thing?

Grace212 · 05/01/2019 14:11

it sounds like it will do him good if people disappear.

when you feel up to it - not tomorrow! - I'd go, stock up that massive freezer you bought, and the cupboards, and tell him that any visits for the next few weeks will be purely social.

then go when you want to. Also wondering how he expects you cope in situations like DC having flu etc. I wonder what his friends think of his behaviour to you. You say he will always want someone else to run round after him - is he doing this to others?

in case it makes you feel any better - otherwise it's just a boring story lol - mum told me about someone who changed a lot in their 80s.

Short version - dad was on a committee for charity, there was a man there who was horrible and used to say really blunt, mean things to people. We don't know why, but this year the guy turned up to meetings, apologised, said "I understand I used to be horrible and I will be different" and he has also called us every week since dad died asking if we need anything. He's c80. Something happened - or perhaps his children said something to him? I didn't know him before but mum tells me he is like a different person. So maybe people can change.

Original poster
paulfoel · 05/01/2019 14:05

BTW brother lives a mile away. His partner doesn't work. Hes got no kids living with him.

Of course, his partner is a saint in his eyes because she goes to see him and does his shopping. (Think shes gold digging a bit mind). She even does his washing (he refuses to buy a washing machine)

I'm not because I work, my wife wont do his washing so shes the she-devil. All because she works too, looks after our kids (one 5yrs old, one autistic teenager whos hard work), and walks with crutches herself at times (Fibromyalgia) and then refuses to drive 25 miles to collect his washing or do his shopping.

BUT its easy for brother. He lets his partner do it all. Then criticises me when I can't visit Dad. Jeez..... (Bit rich hes got three kids by other people hes too busy to go and see!).

OP posts:
Original poster
paulfoel · 05/01/2019 13:57

@Grace212

Thanks. Don't worry I've had it all even from family members - who then disappear when they get asked to do something but apparently I should.

The old saying "walk a mile in someone elses shoes".

Yes realised hes always been a little like this just getting worse. He even said to me the other day. "I'm old, I need your help, so thats the way it is. I expect you to put me first, your wife and kids will have to understand how things are".

Yes he really said that. I avoided him for days after this I was just so angry with him for having that attitude. What does he want me to do disown my kids, divorce my wife and move in with him? probably.

OP posts:
Original poster
paulfoel · 05/01/2019 13:52

@potatoscone Of course I have. I completely understand that hes a bit lonely, gets frustrated etc.

But I cant magic my time out of my backside, can I?

OP posts:
Grace212 · 05/01/2019 13:30

OP have you talked to your brother about this - if both of you start managing it differently it will help.

potatoscone · 05/01/2019 13:28

why do you think OP hasn't seen her father's POV

I didn't say i thought that?

I asked OP if she had, that was all.

GrandmaJane · 05/01/2019 13:26

My dad is 86. He considers my 2 hour daily visit his right and his due. He might live another 20 years, by which time I will be over 80, if it make it that far. He is in fair health and could have a life, but refuses.

So you have my sympathy, OP.

Wordthe · 05/01/2019 13:22

And yes as you say, what he wants is to be your highest priority, all the rest of his wants are the things that naturally follow from that

Wordthe · 05/01/2019 13:20

I think the wants and needs distinction is a great idea @motherofterriers

MotherofTerriers · 05/01/2019 13:12

Try to divide it into your dad's wants and his needs. You can meet his needs - for example if he can't go shopping himself he needs it done for him. But an online shop will meet that need. He wants you to put him at the top of your priorities list, and that's very unfair - on you and your child. You can't meet his wants, the list will just keep growing

Grace212 · 05/01/2019 13:10

potato, why do you think OP hasn't seen her father's POV?

potatoscone · 05/01/2019 13:01

Eye roll away, it doesn't make my comment less valid.

Wordthe · 05/01/2019 13:00

Your father is happy to drain the life out of you in order to try and save himself

Grace212 · 05/01/2019 12:57

to be clear, I was eyerolling at the "look at his POV" - as if the OP hasn't already.

Grace212 · 05/01/2019 12:56

ugh, there's always one

I actually talked to my mum about your post, OP. At the moment, she can mostly still go to the supermarket unless she's having a bad day with various health issues. We were talking about the future and she said if it comes to me doing her shopping online, that's what we do.

Your dad is being really unfair.

also, my mum is going to be very lonely now dad is gone, but the week after the funeral she was encouraging me to go out and have fun again (I didn't, that's not going to happen for a while).

but my point is, he can't act like a selfish arse just because he's a certain age. He doesn't get a free pass. And from what you say, he's been a selfish arse all his life.

Wordthe · 05/01/2019 12:34

it seems to be fairly common for people as they age to become more inward looking and focusing on their own needs at the expense of others, for whatever reason they seem to lack the ability to see the bigger picture
you have to be firm with him or he will just consume every last drop of your energy

Original poster
paulfoel · 05/01/2019 12:31

But you are suggesting I look at it from his POV? I do and I find it hard to understand to be honest.

Yes hes lonely and he wants me to visit but doesn't he think I'm doing what I can?

OP posts:
Wordthe · 05/01/2019 11:59

It's very difficult but I think you need to be firm with him
perhaps you could think of him as a child who needs a firm boundaries?

HollowTalk · 05/01/2019 11:56

You owe it to your daughter to spend this time with her, not with your dad. Tell him you'll do an online shop for him - it will deliver tomorrow.

I feel for you but the more you give in, the more he'll take advantage.

potatoscone · 05/01/2019 11:22

Of course I know he wants help. But are you suggesting I ignore everyone else I have responsibilities for?

No. No, I did not suggest that at all.

Original poster
paulfoel · 05/01/2019 11:19

In work till 9pm last night. In the office at the mo - its going to be a long day as well. And I'm on call this weekend. Such is the life of an IT consultant!

Last saw my 5 year old daughter Thursday evening. BUT, you can bet even if its done and dusted today, and I manage to get some sleep tonight, he will expect me to spend 2-3 hours getting his shopping and visiting him tomorrow. To be honest, I could do with a rest and spend time with my daughter.

If I phone him I'll get comments like how hes "disappointed", been "stuck in the house", "got no food in the house" etc.

(Sometimes he says this and lies saying no-ones been when my brother has visited AND done shopping for him on the day before. Yet he still insists).

OP posts:
Original poster
paulfoel · 05/01/2019 11:14

To clarify, I live 25 miles away now. I was working 80 miles away at the time. (Its now about 20 miles away).
Its a good 30 mins each way from home.

But yes the hospital he was in was pretty much 2 hours away from where I worked. I used to get a train so I'd have had to get train back, pick up car and drive rest of way.

OP posts:
Original poster
paulfoel · 05/01/2019 11:12

potatoscone - seriously?

Of course I know he wants help. But are you suggesting I ignore everyone else I have responsibilities for?

Not helpful at all.

OP posts:
rainbowstardrops · 05/01/2019 11:01

Only you can stop it! At the moment, you are enabling it.
Of course do things for your dad when you can but you need to consider yourself and your family too.
Arrange the online shop. Don't drive all the way to pick him up if he's perfectly capable of getting a taxi.
It really does seem like it's down to you to make some changes here.

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