The new shiny 2019 thread for anyone caring for elderly parents

exactly grace!!! we will wait for their response and then take it apart... DB worked for the NHS for 40 years and he can be very scary when he wants... plus he actually knows what he is talking about.

yolo sorry to say it, but it sounds like they might be going for maximum obfuscation to avoid taking responsibility. I thought the main issue was that you hadn't been correctly informed about her condition - pneumonia and so on? I can't see how that goes to the ACG!

PALS tell me the Surgical and Anaesthetic Care Group need more time to construct their response to our complaint and I should hear back by 19th March. We had no complaints about surgery (hip replacement) and I am assuming that pain relief must fall under ACG or else they are barking up the wrong tree.... hmm.

sandwich mum lives a long way away so that would be major upheaval

I would rent my flat out if I actually moved in with mum so I could come back here if/when needed. There are other issues which I won't bore you with, but generally buying near mum is a no-no at the moment.

as for noisy flats - years of flat living, not much you can do really. It is probably better here than anywhere else I've lived. I'm the sort of person who would move into a retirement place at the earliest possible moment, on the basis that they are usually childfree!

though that won't stop people having very loud conversations on their mobiles, on their balcony. Balconies are a major source of noise in flats I find. They might look appealing but in summer, I could hear every conversation downstairs had with their mates via phone.

At home, listening to children shrieking and racing up and down the corridor......

I really still wish I could live with mum in her nice quiet house. perhaps if she perks up a bit, it could still be possible? This flat is hellish in summer as well - constant noise and boiling hot.

sorry, that was a bit random for an "elderly parent" board

hope everyone is doing well.

I can quite understand "her little boy". I'm beginning to recognise that DS2 might know one or two things that I don't (not so sure about DS1) - they're both in their 30s.

@grannycake Ooohh, interesting that your MiL has the other approach.

'Her little boy 😀'

I recognise that thing about the 'natural authority of the male'. One of my proudest moments was, when in his last few months, my father asked me to take over their finances.

He started the conversation by asking me what I thought about him asking my sister's husband to do this for him. Obvs. entirely his choice but within seconds it was all sorted that I would do it. Blush.

At first I thought it was just to do the on-line hits to his instructions but he was dead within a month or so and I have been doing hit ever since for my mother. A bit scary given she had absolutely no interest but easy enough. And some counterbalance for all the day to day stuff my sister who lives close to them (they moved to be best her) does , well did until we finally arranged for someone to be living in

Sorry, didn't expect that to be such a long post, all triggered by the view of the male.

Does anyone else use the country cousins agency for live in companion carers ? Would be interested in your experience.

To be fair it's the other way around with my MIL. My DH does all her shopping, visits 4/5 times a week, did the personal care before she finally agreed to residential care but she gives him no credit. I live too far away (and work FT) for practical help but deal with all her finances, house sale, pensions, etc but I am credited with everything. I think it's because she has only known me as an adult and still sees my DH as her "little" boy. Any time we need to persuade her to do anything my DH tries and fails as she won't listen but as soon as I visit she agrees straight away - weird!

What is it with elderlies that they have so much more respect for males? My ddad had three capable daughters, no sons. Well, I suppose it's that when they were young enough to be learning, everyone had more respect for males. Doctors, vicars, even people advertising washing powder, were male. Yes, they've had plenty of time to learn since, but it's when you're a child that you look up to people and learn who you respect.

My dad had a daughter who did Stem A levels and a maths degree, but he thinks his techie magazine will only be of interest to DH, not to me.

I've long since come to the conclusion that when I was growing up he didn't really recognise that I was a girl.

So glad you have successfully made a stand Grace

You are very perceptive about why she might be hanging on to the process, but it is in no way fair for her to trespass further on your time and help. So much easier to say from outside the family dynamic.

The being male thing. What is it with elderlies that they have so much more respect for males?
My ddad had three capable daughters, no sons. I did everything practical for him. He only trusted my dh with money and pc issues!
If I needed him to do something (ie healthwise or practical) he would only listen and respect it if it came from a man, but me... noo.

Grace good for you, that you got your dm to accept the Pc thing. You wouldn't go to the shops in horse and carriage even though that was how it was done in the olden days either 😀 (lighthearted).

so jealous of people whose parents will do tech

finally lost my rag today and told mum I couldn't do any more work on probate unless I was allowed to put it on a computer. (I was seriously working from pen and paper, it was batshit considering dad had lots of accounts with about £2 in them)

so now I've done that, and it all makes sense and is much easier than I thought it would be.

however, she is very pissed off, moaning about how computers have ruined everything.....and of course, the fact that's now in a sensible format somewhere won't stop her asking 10 million questions about everything and getting annoyed when I point out I'm not a lawyer.

there's a bit of me that thinks her constant faffing with bits of paper is keeping her busy and therefore distracted from grief? I wonder if she was against the computer the whole time because she didn't want it sorted or solved quickly. Or does she really think aliens will somehow steal data and therefore money?

Increasingly I think she fears what she will do when the tasks are done, and also she fears that she will end up handing over her everyday tasks to me. I am sympathetic that being too old to deal with stuff and handing over must be very hard....but she let dad do it for 50 years, so why not me? And I do wonder, if I were male, would she just hand it over then, I think she might.

DH has POA so that's all fine. He is now able to access the online accounts. All the internet stuff had got in a terrible mess and FIL couldn't even access his e mails. Luckily DH is an expert on IT and online security and was able to get access!

Apollo Have you got Power of Attorney? You have to get it while he still has capacity. The Health and Welfare one can't be used until he loses capacity, but the Financial one can, and would make it easier for you to sort out financial stuff. Suggest he keeps one bank account for his personal expenditure, and you look after another for major stuff, direct debits, house sale, paying for care home etc.

He is 91. He too is a tech savvy scientist. I really don't think he has dementia at all. But he certainly is not on top of things. The sooner we get him moved the better.

Apollo - could be normal old age - how old is he? Or it could be first signs.
This link compares normal ageing with dementia: www.alzheimers.org.uk/about-dementia/symptoms-and-diagnosis/how-dementia-progresses/normal-ageing-vs-dementia

My father has been tested for dementia and declared not to have it - a tech-savvy research scientist who took about 3 weeks to get the hang of his stairlift, despite having used one for years when nursing my mother. (And that's just one of his cognitive symptoms)

I was looking forward to a Dad-free day tomorrow, now OT wants to come to do an assessment. Good news that's she's coming, but so disappointed at the loss of my free day.

My SH and his brother are currently with my FIL trying to clear his house in advance of putting it on the market so he can move into a care home. It seems that he has lost track of all his finances and his ability to use any form of tech. This is a man who was always on top of everything and was always the first to have any sort of new gadget. Is this just normal old age or something we should be concerned about? He seems mentally competent in every other way. Thanks.

Back at hospital this morning to catch Drs rounds - DM will be in till at least Thursday as waiting for MRI scan (today or tomorrow) and camera investigation (Weds) off to buy her more nightwear and sort out her money and cleaner
Visiting DF in way home from work
DB is working away for a few days so DD and I will alternate visiting as DS also still away

Cats, out at all hours

Cockroaches to all
Thank you for virtual hugs everyone
No gin or cat yet tonight
Cat is Reuben grey or Evie tabby and both are out!
I’m driving over to see a friend so will have a G n T on my return
Just checked my work emails and a friend/colleague has spent the afternoon today finishing off a big piece of work for me so I can take my time with DM tomorrow
My boss has ordered me to work from home or flexibly ie do the least needed for rest of week
I’m cheering myself with rump steak stroganoff sauce asparagus and broccoli as still doing SW despite all the gin!

jace more virtual hugs from me too, come to Tethers End for the village fete and we will keep you topped up with gin throughout. You cant keep on like this, its not right and fair on you and yours.

Had 3 rejections for my book proposal. One told me to use less 'funny' spelling - well it wasnt a problem for bloody Molesworth was it?!!

cockroach mes amies