The new shiny 2019 thread for anyone caring for elderly parents

there is a poor woman on AIBU whose DM is going to pass shortly and is struggling with hospital bureacracy (sp?) and inefficiency. At the same time there is another thread about how older people are treated in hospital. It's all bloody heartbreaking. cockroach all round chaps.

That sounds good! Unfortunately DM enjoys reading the daily m which skews her opinions somewhat

Oh heck. Yes, the racist bits are a bit harder to style out! Happily, so far my mother seems considerably less racist than when she was allegedly in full possession of her wits. Small wins.

I don't usually MrsBert - have "laughed" it off for a long time (whilst cringing inside), but this recent incident was just too bad to ignore as it was a racist comment towards someone who doesn't know us well but who are involved with DC, and I really don't want them thinking that I/ my DC are of a similar opinion. Her comments seem to have tipped recently from an "older generation, mildly off/ outdated" to offensive.

Hey Madaunt.

Don't feel you have to apologise for your mum. I have been dealing with my mother's ever increasing randomness for years now, and most people twig, and are generally kind. And if they don't, well, screw 'em.

I have had such great value from this thread, i don't expect to be able to pay you back in kind, but would like just to remind you that when you are the patient, to not feel guilt6 about accepting help and not feeling as if you should be an unlimited supply of support.

And empty jug and all that . Kindest regards and thanks xx

Tomorrow I’m having a day off n going up to the Lake District with DP for the day before resuming elder duties on Sunday
I’m having surgery myself in a few weeks (at a different hospital trust who I have more faith in) and will be off work and on light elder duties for at least a week - I’m actually looking forward to it just to get a rest!

Good news from me for a change DM was discharged today I collected her and took her straight to visit DF in nursing home - their reunion was very touching and all the staff made a real fuss of her too!
I managed to get SS to allocate SW to DF and they have agreed to assess him within next 3 weeks
Also had a response to one of my 2 complaints - I will consider it at my leisure as there are a few inaccuracies where I suspect things have been altered and I have proof to the contrary eg photos and films which show date and time
However they have actually admitted things were not ideal and have apologised
My response will reflect this but I will require evidence of how they intend to ‘learn lessons’ and will follow up in a few months time to see if they have actually carried any of them out!

Yes it is really reassuring to see how other people cope. Dr this morning wasn't able to come up with anything - bloods were all normal, just blood pressure through the roof. She did refer DM to the memory clinic, so that is a step forward. DM was a bit rude about the GP suggesting she might be depressed!

@Apollo

One of my favourite things about this thread is how it encourages us, in an entirely supportive way, to put our own troubles in context.

Without it, I would easily be resenting even a little my mother's claims on our time, as indeed the roles have swapped Even with live in companion carer, there are still daily questions and things to resolve.

Thanks all for the cockroaches

It would seem we are lucky with FIL. He is keen for changes to be made. His chosen care home has a room available now so we should be able to move him fairly soon. DH and BIL have made massive inroads into clearing his house and estate agents have been round. We are poised now for all systems go. It will be much easier to have him 5 minutes away being cared for rather than 100 miles away and struggling on his own.

Did you find it hard to persuade your Mum?

DM has resisted each change, first cleaners more frequently, then daily visits to make her lunch, then twice daily to get her up and ready for bed again and now live in care

My DSis who lives closer has taken the brunt of each resistance, for which I am very grateful. The thing to hold to is that within days of each change my mother has ruefully admitted that it makes life much better for her.

It's good of her to admit it, still just a tad frustrating that she continued to refits and admits that she is still resisting the next step. It can't be way for her, really, either.

You are right Yolo - she fell apart last year when her hip crumbled, had it done, but couldn't get her to agree to careers coming in before or afterwards, so I ended up doing it all myself. That was fine for a few months, but long term I will have to be harder for services as well as my mum. Did you find it hard to persuade your Mum?

Ah, the 'daughter round the corner' scenario. Same situation for me. What I will say is that when she starts needing care or you get social services involved, you really need to be hard as nails or else they will expect you to do an awful lot. My DM would have preferred me to do stuff rather than carers, but life doesnt work like that.

I am in awe of you all, that moment when you realise you have switched from someone's child to caring for them is tough isn't it

Thank you yolofish. Luckily we live round the corner, so manage to see her most days, and if not generally talk to her. She has a good relationship with her cleaner, and generally is more positive on the day she comes, so I sometimes don't speak to her that day to give myself a break, and not make it seem like I am checking up on her. I think it got to me the other day, having to apologise about her behaviour- sounds bad, but if she obviously had dementia, then it might be easier- I haven't been there yet with a parent, so I obviously can't say that, I know.

Hi madaunt, I hear you. The daily conversation you talk about was what I had with DM, and it's bloody wearing. How often do you see her? I saw mine at least 5 days out of 7, and used to dread it. I tried to find different topics of conversation but it always came back to her misery. So no advice, but everyone on this board is lovely and we totally understand.

New to this board, and just want a bit of a private rant as I feel too guilty to do it in real life.
We lost DF years ago, and always been closer to him, but since then, despite her being quite difficult, I have become closer to DM, she moved to be near us which was great, and helped out with DC, so we have had a few good years. She is almost 80, and has been physically (though not emotionally) independent up until the last couple of years. Health (and therefore emotional health) has deteriorated over the last few months, and I'm now worried about what is happening next. Off to the Drs today, but think early dementia is on the cards along with health issues.
Practicality I do all the support, and now having to apologise to people for her uninhibited behaviour (always has been a slight issue, but much worse recently).
I just feel tired, and know that I am probably in for a long haul. DSis doesn't live close, and really strained relationship with DM, and to be fair to her, we are the ones who have benefited from DM with her having DC over occasionally etc.
I know I will cope, my DC, friends and work will keep me sane, but the worse thing at the moment is having that daily conversation about how awful she feels/ she thinks she is dying and not knowing what to say. There really isn't any balance in our relationship anymore.
I don't think I need answers about anything, just appreciate a safe space to rant.

It was DS's birthday this week. DB kindly bought DM a card to give him, but when I gave it to her to sign at the weekend, she decided against, and said she'd already signed one. So I passed it on to DS, who opened it to find a xmas card, and a cheque for him and DD, 'with best wishes for the new year' dated Nov 18. He took it well though.

We went to Bicester for the day, and I had my photo taken at a street called 'Crumps Butts'. It doesn't get much better than that.

Thank you - maybe I can get out on Saturday - currently I go to work in the dark and come home in the dark!
Still at work now
On a more positive note DM had surgery this morning (saga in itself involving tears trauma and breach of the MCA) and team feel successful - staying in for monitoring and more blood tests and MRI scan but looking much more optimistic 😊

jace. can you find time for a walk in the spring sun, or to look at what's coming up in the garden, or just to breathe quietly for a little bit? I find nature very calming (christ, I sound like Fotherington-Thomas in the Molesworth books!) but there is I think research that says being outside is good for you both mentally and physically. CBA to find it though! big hugs to you.

dint I'm more of the deliberate obfuscation route myself. On the grounds that the harder they make it the more people will give up.

Jace 🌼
Sometimes all we can wish for is a little peace, quiet and normality.

yolo I put in a complaint about the private ambulance service taking my father home, and stressed the NHS ambulance on the way in was great. So what did they do? Passed my complaint to the NHS ambulance service. Deliberate obfuscation? Hasty onward referral by someone who barely skim-read my complaint? Who knows?

No changes re DM am going to hospital to visit her this morning
I had a day off elderly duties yesterday as was at breaking point
DP had a crisis of his own on Monday so been helping him which just added to pressure n got a lot going on at work
In a moment of renewed energy I sent follow up emails re the 2 separate complaints re DF one about hospital one about CCG discharge to assess pathway - so am waiting to hear again......
Also decided to chase social services re getting DF assessed - got an out of office from previous SW who’s on leave so rang SS this morning and requested that they pull their finger out ASAP or they will be my next formal complaint.......and breathe..........: