The new shiny 2019 thread for anyone caring for elderly parents

Oh MrsBert you poor ddad must have been so startled, quite a test of the heart. Hope your dm is OK. Is it possible to have alarms if the doors are opened?

Yolo hope your dh is feeling better (atleast psychologically) now treatment has started. Hope you are coping despite relatives 😏.

oh jesus bert... how terrifying.
dint I dont think you would be useless actually, at all, I think you'd be a good person to talk to. PIL dont do talking (unless about their perfect daughter and her perfect children, or the lovely meals they've had blah blah blah). Not surprisingly, our DDs are less than keen, but I am always polite and do try my best. They did say yesterday perhaps better if they came little and often... which is a bit of insight, but actually DH would probably prefer they didnt come at all. Anyway, we wont have to see them for a good while now. And his sister! last seen on New Year's Day, not a bloody WORD to him by phone/text every since. Even my DB rings once a week and always asks after him...

Oh fucksticks. My Dad was woken in the small hours by a policeman in the bedroom asking if his wife was missing. She had snuck out in nightie and slippers and left the door wide open.

No idea how far she got and it could have been far worse, but jesus.

Dint you have adult DC I think?

so if they were ill, you wouldn't ask "can I do anything to help?"

I'm really befuddled by that level of useless. I'm probably that level of useless. I find it really hard to imagine what other people in other circumstances would want me to do, and get into agonies of anxiety over doing or saying the wrong thing. I'm OK if people say "can you do this", but the one thing I pick up is that people at the end of their tether don't want to take on an additional management task. It's not selfishness, I don't think, I'm well-intentioned but socially incompetent.

sorry, that's 90mins+ each way, not round trip!!!

I'm pootling on tinternet, haven't even checked what's on TV.

had lunch with a friend today and was saying I'm a bit worried as I won't see mum till the weekend now. She looked at me like I was mad. She doesn't worry about her olds at all, she says. I wish I could do that.

It's little things with mum at the moment - yesterday we watched a film, which she might not do without me there. Then this morning I said to her "how about going in the garden" and she said "nah, don't feel like it" - she was just sitting thinking about dad. But then 20 mins later she said "oh you are right, I should go in the garden" and by the time I left for my lunch, she was looking brighter.

so I feel as if there's a certain nudge I can give to make her feel better, even though I can't take away her sorrow, of course. It's much easier to give that nudge while there than over the phone.

however, she and I have a busy week, I've got some freelance work starting, she's got some friends visiting, so instead of me doing the 90 min+ round trip mid week, she said to me "just relax that evening at home".

I should be grateful to have such a lovely mummy really! Well, I am...I just wish there was an "off" switch for all my worries.

healthyish but old and have been pretty useless for years... too long to go into but I wouldnt expect anything from them. They did get the fish and chips for lunch. DH went back to bed at 3pm and is just up again now, feeling awful. They would probs like to help but honestly there is nothing they can do. TBH they probably cannot do wrong for right with me and that's been so for years. I actually quite like MIL and we have stuff in common, but FIL is a complete PITA. ho hum. DH now gone back to bed, I'd love to go to bed but would be awake at 3am so condemned to pootle round tinternet...

yolo I'm really befuddled by that level of useless. Are they healthy?

it reminds me of a friend who had major surgery a few years back and her parents visited her once, then talked a lot about how hard it was to see their daughter ill, then did nothing. At one point, my parents offered to have her stay through her recovery. In the end, she managed in her flat - which was better with reduced mobility - and regular visits from friends, but my parents' comments on her parents were....well, probably comments they'd make about your ILs.

what is the point of parents who don't help out at times of medical stuff....the mind boggles.

grace hahahaa! they brought a very nice bottle of red, which as he is not drinking at the mo.... but I can!

thigh sorry to hear that. I hoped you were just busy running the dictatorship republic

MrsBert indeed, as a childfree by choice woman, I shudder to think what Fraser thinks of me and my ilk!

yolo I think I know the answer already but did your in laws make themselves useful in any way? I can't imagine visiting someone undergoing chemo etc and not being useful - clearly they didn't cook, or bring food?

hey thigh we'll all budge up a bit and add cushions and until you are ready to talk. PIL came for lunch today; we had fish n chips from the village as I cba to cook and DH not well enough. They mean well, I KNOW they mean well, but oh thank fuck they have gone now!!

Hi Thigh. Extra cockroaches for you.

One does wonder what horseshit man thinks should happen to the shitty bottoms of old gents who were feckless enough not to sire a few mares for this purpose.

'It is the daughter of the elderly gentleman that should be wiping his bottom.'' Not the son, of course.

Sorry thigh to hear things have been difficult.

Hello everyone, I'm sorry I've been away so long. Things are tough with Dad and I haven't felt able to read or write anything "real" on MN for a while. I'll catch up on everything you've been dealing with before i post more xx

I've just read that article. Horseshit is indeed the right word. As is wanker. Wonder what a certain N.Tebbit might have had to say, along with 'get on your bike to get a job'... WHY is it always the women who are expected to do the caring? Nah, dont bother answering, we all know why...

it's such a load of horseshit, leaving politics aside, where to start?

he's effectively saying no one should leave wherever they grew up, also the comments about elderly people in care because no one talked them into Dignitas are insulting to about everyone I can think of....if it wasn't for the political angle I'd think he'd written it to generate publicity but actually tying the whole thing to the current political situation, WTAF.

he was a 99%er back in the day apparently...confusing.

Good Lord what a load of horseshit!

Of course, had the large numbers of British retirees who have chosen to retire overseas been allowed to vote, the outcome might have been different.

''It is the daughter of the elderly gentleman that should be wiping his bottom. This sort of thing is not something to subcontract.''

Wanker.

btw did anyone see the Giles Fraser article?

it's mostly attracted criticism because of the Brexit issue but I found his attitude to family and elderly the real shocker tbh

twitter.com/giles_fraser/status/1098896087425912832

Dint

My parents have been hospitalised a few times over the years. It sounds like you've been lucky but I don't know how many times your dad has been in.

the time before dad's death was an improvement on the time before, but the hospital had been put in special measures by then.

At the same time there is another thread about how older people are treated in hospital. It's all bloody heartbreaking. cockroach all round chaps. I don't know whether I'm naive or whether we were just lucky, by my father seems to have been reasonably well treated in hospital. His health improved, he was cheerful, and he was lauding the quality of the food (1). Someone from the family visited him almost every day, but we certainly weren't sitting around with him all day to keep an eye on his care. Maybe I have low expectations.

(1) it helped me when I arranged meals on wheels for him because I was able to say truthfully that the supplier was the same one the hospital used.