The new shiny 2019 thread for anyone caring for elderly parents

My FIL has been offered a room in the care home of his choice and should be moving in within the next 2 weeks. DH has been doing a regular 200 mile round trip to start getting things organised. It will be so much better once he is 2 miles away!

I have question. I believe all his clothes will need to be labelled. Anyone know the best labels to buy? I want iron on ones if possible. Thanks

Thanks whatever, shall look out for that article.

Thank you sandwich DM is safe and looked after. I spent a few hours there, no real chores for me to do and she mostly just sleeps, nowadays. Its a blessing really but i notice instead of enjoying it im feeling a bit useless and wanting to do things. Must just be grateful.

I'm very grateful to this thread, it's a very helpful reminder that what our parents really want, or even what we would want for them, would be to have their youth and vigour back.

Being safe and cared for is what there is to be now.

I've just read a very helpful article from yesterday's telegraph about the effect of being estranged from a parent. It talks about the judgemental attitude of others when they learn you do not have a close relationship with your family member. Just thought I'd mention it as others may find it interesting reading too .

I got one of the GPs to ring me today and she gave me advice, including doubling tablets for the time being. He's seems quite happy that I talked to them. In fact he seems more cheerful today, as do I, having taken a day off to do some studying and some voluntary work, so only had the two phone calls today, one from GP and one to Dad. Much more manageable!

Dint I'm not a medic, obvs, but maybe the swelling could be down to lack of mobility?

Also, it's been quite warm over the past few days, is he drinking enough?

Signs to watch out for are if the leg becomes hard, red or hot, as that could indicate celulitis.

Dint there's a compromise, in that he could see the GP but if GP says "you need to go to hospital" he could refuse.

leg swelling - any heart related issues? This sounds a bit like the question thigh asked earlier - about her dad not wanting to go back to hospital and what could be done at home. Maybe different meds could be given.

I do understand why he can't face hospital.

Grace Thanks.

Just when you think everything's going well ... DF has now made the switch from rehab team to long term carers, and he doesn't like them "they speak to me as if I'm a moron". He didn't like the rehab team when they started, so I hope this is a passing phase.

Other problems on the domestic front which I'll spare you, but big problem - leg swelling. He swears he hasn't missed any diuretic tablets, and his charts suggest the same, but he refuses to let me make a GP appointment because he doesn't want to end up back in hospital. I don't know what to do. Do I ring GP for advice and betray his trust?

jace that all sounds like a plate and a half, have etc from me.

The DDs are great, but neither drive (although keep promising to learn), and they are pretty well house-trained. DH has been better today, started taking the ibuprofen he was prescribed alongside paracetamol (well, durr...) and managed to stay up for about 45 mins after we got home at 7.30 and actually chat and laugh with us and DD's boyf, so that was a good evening in our current state of play.

Accepted the offer on DM's house, now trying to put a bomb under the probate solicitor - using a different one for the conveyancing.

Tonight's radio appt was 6.45 - wtf?? hopefully they will resort to better times now, as is quite a long drive up country roads and I dont like driving in the dark. Also DH the world's worst passenger!! cockroach

yolo isn't it good having other adults to help though? I'm guessing they don't drive though? You might recall I said a friend had same stage and similar treatment schedule as your DH - her stepson is about 20, he doesn't live there but he came round every day after work and stayed weekends to help out. It reminded me of my hugely energetic early 20s with all dad's ill health, I do not know where I got the energy....youth?!

My friend was mostly in bed resting as well - she's bouncing around happily now with the all clear, think I mentioned that last time. So keeping everything crossed for your DH that his treatment has the same result.

Bert sorry, missed your comment - what a scare, sorry to hear that.

Jace you will need to pull back quite a lot then, I hope you get enough rest after your surgery.

Dint I bet you are lovely, it is clear that you are not at all useless!

yolo Sorry to hear that things are tough for your DH.

If your house is infested with uni students, I'd be sitting them down, laying out the stark facts of the current situation, and what they could do to help. My DC do not come up to AIBU standards of pulling their weight around the house, but responded wonderfully when my father went into hospital - explaining bluntly that their all-powerful mother is not coping shocked some sense into them.

Dint oh that's completely different, I thought you were likening yourself to yolo's inlaws. I was, really. Saying what looks like selfish disregard may actually be the outward manifestation of well-meaning cluelessness. Or maybe I'm just being unfair on myself - I'm good at that, result (or maybe cause) of lifelong depression.

Mixed results of my making waves with various officials re DF
Social services have finally agreed to assess him under care act - I will bring up DoLS at the meeting
Have had a fair response to hospital complaint and may take them up on offer to meet to discuss further
CCG complaint response was appalling and disinterested - they ignored most of my points with non answers - so definitely a case for the ombudsman - I am not in mood right now so will check timescales and plan time for that
DM is much better physically but worsening with dementia - not yet at a not coping level but think we will all have to do more which I will struggle with
DF is still in nursing home - OT are coming out to assess home for possible future return although I’m not convinced it will ever happen
Got MDT meeting with rehab team next week for next steps discussion
I’m worn out with everything that needs doing - need to sort finance stuff next
Thankfully my job is not as intense for next month or so - good thing as I’m going for surgery myself next week and will be off for up to 2 weeks

Just calling in. Sorry to see things remain tough for thighofrelief and yolo, and belated thanks to sandwich for the thread. I recognise some names from the higher education thread, and a lot of new people. Welcome to the place no one want to be.

My mother had had dementia for a decade but someho is still in very sheltered housing. Apart from a big crisis 6 years ago, things have been relatively stable, though new issues keep coming up as her capacity declines. Her health is good so it is looking very possible that she could live to 100. She is almost 90 now. The biggest issue is the need to manage considerable assets, which others inevitably see as their inheritance. I have reached a point where I can be bothered to get angry, but was curious when DD said she did not want to attend my mother's birthday lunch because she did not want to see certain relatives. (She will do as I have set it up to be a thank you to my mums carer and the members of her family who have stepped in to help in various ways.)

I was on the origional thread, indeed have been on this board since it started, and it looks like I will be around for a while yet. Hence the break. Otherwise I feel I would be haunting you all.

Cockroach to all.

Good to hear about the house Yolo and I feel for you driving your DH on such long round trips for treatment.

My DH had what sounds like similar treatment in the late 90s, though he was allocated one of the inpatient rooms. He was extremely tired throughout and didn't do much more than attend treatment and sleep.

Fingers crossed that the treatment does its stuff however tiring the process.

MrsBert that sounds terrifying for your poor dad. Hope they are ok.

Yolo could you mark the halfway point of treatment with your DH somehow so that at least you know you are then counting down? Maybe he is struggling to rest/put a brave face on with the DCs around?

Cockroach all.

I'm sorry you are going through that with your DH Yolo, are your DCs doing enough around the house to help out or just adding to your workload? Is it the effect of the treatment or is your DH's mood low?

Lovely yolo, dump anything you like! And fingers crossed for a speedy sale.

bonsoir mes amis de les cockroach. I am sorry to dump this here, but am feeling very low, DH is really struggling with the treatment - think has been in bed all day and night since last Friday? and we are only 11 days in to 25 of chemo/radio. He is also so irritable, which is rubbing off on DDs (why the fuck they arent at uni I dont know - well I do, because DD1 has finished til she makes her film, and DD2 only required to be there 2 days a week - £9k a year!!)
So I am just doing the peace maker thing, plus driving DH to radio daily - 2 hour round trip at the minimum - and then trying to work, run house, walk dog, blah blah. I can tell he feels worse because he didnt criticise my driving once today, and only took a deep breath when I took a corner too fast once.
But FUCK!! In better news, we've accepted an offer on DM's house (£10k under asking price, but no chain either way); DB spoke to solicitor today who has clarified stuff about problematic HMRC form and apparently all being well we should have probate mid-April-ish.
Sorry to be doom and gloom, at least my oldie has moved on to better things, and I wish much love and support to you all who are still struggling

Dint, in my opinion you can't win this one. You just have too look in AIBU, people are upset because others call too often, too little - are seen as meddling, does not show enough interest etc.
All you can do is offer what you think you would like to receive yourself were you in a similar situation. Then ask if you are not sure. But take care not offering more than you can honor (tend to do that myself 😀).
Hope you don't see this as a lecture, it is coming from a good place as I recognize your problem.

Dint oh that's completely different, I thought you were likening yourself to yolo's inlaws.

I always love food someone else has cooked

yolo thanks

so if they were ill, you wouldn't ask "can I do anything to help?" Yes, I would, but I wouldn't know what to do, and I'd be very anxious about doing the wrong thing. And people say that when they are ill, they don't want to have to be telling people what to do, they want them just to know what to do and to do it.

Different in an emergency - if person so incapacitated as to not really be in full control of their thinking, I can take over.

I've heard people saying "so-and-so was wonderful, she just came over with a casserole". Would anyone even want a casserole cooked by me?