The new shiny 2019 thread for anyone caring for elderly parents

Grace are you missing London yet? The traffic is back after a little holiday respite.

That's all true "sorry for your loss" the first time and then "how are you all getting on" another three times maximum and then you risk becoming intrusive. Possibly the cue has to come from the bereaved?

If i asked how someone was (a friend) and they told me they were missing the departed i would feel like i had permission. If enough time has passed i try to talk about the dead person naturally "do you remember when your mum threw biscuits at the cat" type stuff.

Mere, I like your way, I can clearly signal I don't want to discuss it.

I know what you mean re outsiders. Blooming pharmacist said to me "I haven't seen your dad for ages". Now, given that I'd reappeared after 20 years out of the area, and given that he knew dad was on a fuck ton of meds, surely logic would suggest that was a silly comment? But no, he looked utterly flabbergasted when I said dad had passed.

critical test here - I was meant to stay 3 nights with mum, now staying 5 due to stressful incident that happened yesterday. Could be more! so, it will be a test to see if I can actually live here I think....Last week 3 nights was really hard work, but she's getting more accustomed to me pottering off and playing on MN so it might work...there's nothing happening today but I have to help with the stressful thing tomorrow and it's too far to go home and come back first thing.

so yes, I will no doubt update later!

roisin It's not the first time you see someone afterwards that's the problem, it's all the rest of the times. What do you say the second time you see them, and the third? I'm OK the first time, "sorry for your loss" and take it from there. After that, I do variations on "how are you?""How are you getting on." and wait for them to give the lead as to how much they want to talk about the departed. What should I be doing?

I really don't know how to handle it. I've never lost anyone who was both close and a part of my everyday life, so I don't know what I'd want. I do know that when my Mum died and I was staying with my father to arrange the funeral, it really didn't help every time the visiting tradesmen - butcher, milkman etc - said "how is your Mum doing" and I had to explain yet again that she'd died. I really saw the point of outward signs of mourning - black clothes or armbands, closed curtains - coneys the message without you having you to do it.

As a Irish person living in England, I agree that some people here simply don't know what to say to you when a loved one has died.
But the support I got from my neighbours after my Dad died (in Ireland) was amazing.
Caseroles, flowers and cards delivered daily after I returned from his funeral.
But, words are important and it's better to say something than nothing.
'Sorry for your loss' hits the spot perfectly!

Hello Gerry-wranglers. Happy New Year to us all.

Mum continues to deteriorate, and of course there's no progress in getting anything sorted thanks to Christmas.

Dad insisted on taking her to this big family party, and she did far better than we expected : 3 hours before she begged to go home. So I managed to kidnap her so Dad got some time with family. And at least now they all know what a state she is in.

God she is hard work though. I laid in bed with her for 3 hours while she prattled nonsense and kept telling me she wanted a nap. If only!

interesting about people ignoring the subject
mum and I have both had the opposite. People we are close with seem to go on about it, to the point we have to ask them to stop and say that we would rather hear what they have been up to etc.

in terms of acquaintances, absolutely everyone has acknowledged dad's death. when I go to collect mum's prescription, the receptionist says "how are you and mum doing?" and I don't know any of the staff at that surgery.

I wonder if people are more reluctant to talk about it at family gatherings and things, whereas the people we are seeing aren't likely to be around for more than an hour etc?

Entertaining DM here tonight
Got her on the sherry and playing cards for miniature Xmas tree baubles
She’s winning n having a whale of a time it’s very sweet!
I tried to talk to her earlier about DF and finance for care home etc but gave up as she just couldn’t comprehend

yolo as others have said, we don't really know what to say. I usually take my lead from the bereaved person - if they mention it first, I'll say something. But if they're waiting for me to make the first move, we don't get anywhere.

I suppose I was brought up in a family that didn't express emotions in public, so you weren't doing anyone any favours by acknowledging the death if the result was for them to end in floods of tears.

sorry but I had to snort at chicken dad looking better than last time, and whatever dm only dying once! agree nota, when my dad died (in Ireland) I actually found the 'so sorry for your loss' which absolutely everyone said, quite comforting - like a shorthand to acknowledgement. stuffed with plum crumble, I am hitting my pit - had enough today.
cockroach to you all, and courage mes braves.

it astonishes me that the world continues to turn no matter what people are going through. It sometimes feels like a parallel universe with no one saying a thing.

Yolo and Chicken same here. My kinda well meaning MIL wished me a happy new year and that it will be a better year for me that last year! Umm well I'm assuming that your DM can only die unexpectedly once!

I think Brits are truly awful at dealing with those suffering grief. We have no set ways of speaking, or behaving, so we cast around instead for something to say 'you look well' or 's/he had a good innings' type of thing. I can remember when I went back to work after burying my dad and one of my colleagues asking if I had a good week off, as he couldn't manage to say anything more relevant.

My DH is forrin and in his culture everyone knows the set things to say, what to do during the period of mourning, etc. Seems much more humane.

Mmm plum crumble a la yolofish sounds lush. I'm sure all these relatives do care, really, but just haven't a clue what to say. My aunt did comment that Dad looked "better than last time I saw him". Since the last time she saw him was actually during his wife's funeral, this probably ranks among the all time highest statements of the bleeding obvious.

oh grace poor you, and your poor mum. sending you virtual plum crumble (but not much because there's only a couple of spoonfuls left!)

ooh I would love some plum crumble

so I thought we were doing okay....unfortunately something very stressful happened this afternoon and now mum's anxiety has gone through the roof again. Poor mum. Unfortunately she is taking it as an omen because of it being New Year's Day.

chicken I feel for you. I made a most excellent plum crumble, with masses of amaretto chucked over the plums, and amaretti biscuits crushed up into the topping, served with clotted cream. The leftovers are my supper tonight!

DH family are like 'if you dont talk about it it didnt/wont happen'. which is rubbish, as DH currently has stage 3 bowel cancer... but still, if you can gloss over everything and talk about the last meal out you had/how the drive here was/where you are going on your next fancy holiday it's all absolutely fiiiiine.

yolofish my Mum died two days after yours. I'm having exactly the same experience with relatives. We have had my dad staying since early December, to help him get through Christmas. He and I are the only people that have mentioned Mum over the entire Christmas season. I took him to visit mum's only sister, and we've also spent three days with DH's family. None of them have seen Dad since Mum's funeral and I really thought they would help support him through this first Christmas alone, but it seems as if everyone else has forgotten how shit things were this time last year and that he and I might be struggling a bit.

I'm sorry you're having the same experience. Don't worry about being "mememe" . It's a hard day and you've done amazingly to host them at all. (I also pulled out the stops to make a lovely pudding today ...... it was a good excuse to be alone in the kitchen and be as grumpy as I wanted!,)

It is 2 months to the calendar day since DM died. Today we hosted my PIL and one of their friends, plus SIL and her 2 (adult-ish) children, so 10 people in all for a pretty lovely (if I say so myself) lunch - all stops pulled out etc.

NOT ONE of them asked me about my DM, or how I felt, or how I was doing with sorting the house etc. I would have liked them to acknowledge that she wasnt with us this Christmas for the first time in donkeys years, or at least to notice some of her bits and pieces round our house, or her jewellery I am now wearing. or fucking SOMETHING.

I dont actually miss DM that much, her last 5 months of life were totally horrendous and she was in a lot of pain and so unhappy that her death was nothing but a blessed relief for her as much as for us... but I would have liked an acknowledgement from DH family that things had changed dramatically, I am an orphan, and the DDs have lost a much loved Grandmar (their spelling!). Sorry, that's all a bit mememe.

Visited DF back in his care home this afternoon but he was asleep
DM had been to visit him earlier though and they’d both joined in with New Year’s Day party and activities
DS is going to collect DM shortly as I’ve invited her for dinner and we will keep her occupied later with cards and dominoes

granny I know exactly what you mean about the phone calls! And agree with your sentiments re refusing treatments - no way am I having the pneumonia jab. There's a reason why it's called the "old man's friend".

Happy new year from a long time lurker. My MIL finally accepted she needed to be in a care home last year and the relief from regular emergencies has been great. She looks much happier and healthier and we can go on holiday without dreading the phone call that we need to come back. We look like we have sold her house and that will mean she should be able to continue to be cared for until her eventual death. What I have learned is that I don't want to get that old and will be refusing treatments past 75 yrs old

DS2 is visiting him in hospital today. I spent this morning in bed in semi-conscious drowsing nursing my sore throat and cold, and feel a good deal better as a result.

2019 is the year Monkey seizes the cockroach. I like that! I'm going to emblazon it on the kitchen whiteboard. There's something inspiring in its incomprehensibility.

Overheard, one ambulance worker to the other re my Dad "he's very well-spoken, isn't he?" He was getting a lot of admiration from medical staff for his independence (and admiration for his previous profession) - it does me good to see other people's reactions to him. I get so much of the everyday irritation that I lose sight of what a special man he is.