The new shiny 2019 thread for anyone caring for elderly parents

Detox Sorry about your Mum, she sounds a lot like my Dad in some ways.

Dad is fine after his ordeal - as my teenage son said many years ago about him "In the last 5 years he's written off two cars, had two heart attacks and pneumonia - he's indestructible". I let him talk uninterrupted this pm to the reenablement coordinator, to give her a glimpse of what we are up against, but she took it all in her stride. I guess she's seen a lot.

I used to grumble that if I dropped in for 5 mins to deliver a cake, I'd be stuck there 3 hours being talked out. Now if I drop in for 5 mins, I end up changing his incontinence pad, cleaning his bum and re-dressing his bedsores. Where did I sign up to this?

MrsBert you could try something simple like an Innocent smoothie - nice to drink and full of calories. Once they're getting really old, the guidelines on healthy eating don't apply in the same way. Anything that builds up to a bad effect doesn't really matter, because something else will have got them first. So her enjoyment comes first, quality of the nutrition second. They'd try to get my Mum to drink special high nutrition shakes for the elderly, but she hated them and refused to touch them.

Also think why your Mum is refusing food - it can mean the beginning of the end, as with my Mum. With hindsight, it would have been preferable to just leave her be. Same end result, possibly reached more quickly, but pleasanter for her than being nagged to eat.

I 'm so sorry about your dog Oneday. And quite incensed about the chilly passengers and missing drugs.

Anyone have tips for a good and nice nourishing drink? Mum is avoiding food. Dad thinks she is losing weight. Want to suggest a shake type drink to see if she will have that. Any ideas?

Grace212 she is 85 we haven't decided on length of respite. On good days she is great and fine but these are very few and far apart. I feel she needs support and hope that if we could find the right home she may stay. She appears not to agree

Dint I hope you DF is ok after his ordeal

Mere my diary is looking very similar to yours

One day I am so sorry how traumatic for you all.

dint I'd ask what they were thinking- but clearly they weren't!

detoxpup sorry to hear this. how long is the respite for? Do you mind if I ask how old your mum is?

Can I join you brilliant lot?

Had an interesting Christmas dominated by my elderly DM's mood, anxiety and then finished off with hallucinations due to UTI. Trying to get any medical care over the holidays was hard but hopefully things will settle down to a new normal- what ever that is.

She has been very low mood for a long time now and has some cognitive issues finds it hard to do things and takes a long time to complete simple tasks. Dr does not think she has dementia but we have pushed for a memory test.

She constantly phones with "emergencies" and "can't go on like this" so I have arrange respite care in a care home. She has lived alone for 30 years so it was quite a mission to get her to agree however tomorrow is her assessment and she is miraculously better, doesn't need to go and everything is now fine........

Thank goodness you have your marbles Dint what a terrible lapse in basic common sense caring for your poor Dad, disgraceful.

I need to remember to keep on top of it. My diary is full of entries "should have had acknowledgement of payment by today" "should have had response from X by today". And everything I'm dealing with has a folder with all correspondence and phone calls dated and documented. So much admin!

I suppose what was more serious was that they didn't send his medication home, but that got sorted easily. But what if he didn't have me around? He'd have carried on taking his regular meds from stock, but would have been without the rest of the course of antibiotics for his pneumonia. So presumably that would have worsened, this time with antibiotic-resistant bacteria.

Maybe he's not so far from the truth when he tells me he wouldn't be alive without my help.

Anyway, I guess they realise they should be more careful making sure they send meds (it's cost them a £25 taxi) so I'll not complain about that. But having blankets in the ambulance for inadequately clad patients is a basic and obvious thing they should be doing, so I've put together a complaint about that.

Thank you Iamdanish, you're very kind

One day so sorry, sending a huge hug. X

dint that is disgusting - def complain. my complaint has fallen into some sort of NHS trough - requested all records and even PM results about 3 weeks ago and indicated that we might be complaining. even given xmas/new year/ general lassitude I need to remember to keep on top of it.

DF arrived home this afternoon without any meds. Had to phone ward and get them sent after him by taxi.

More seriously - he was discharged as he arrived - in vest, pyjamas dressing gown, socks and slippers. But, unlike the ambulance that took him, who provided a blanket, the private ambulance that returned him did not offer him a blanket, and moreover left him with the ambulance doors fully open for 5-10 minutes while they delivered another occupant.

Is it just one of those things, or should I complain about a 96 year old suffering from pneumonia being left inadequately covered for a 90 min journey when the outside temperature was 3 deg?

oh oneday just the hugest hugs for you all. Dogs are family, and they never complain, and we just love them to pieces. I am so sorry for your loss of youngest dog.

Went round to mums tonight with ddog, I actually find it a very peaceful place to be and I always say 'hello mum' when I get in. And I keep a bottle of round there too, so it feels a bit like old times.

jace, dint, anyone struggling with the lack of comms between SS and NHS, I feel for you. Basically all I can advise is to stand right back, refuse to accept responsibility for your oldie, and let THEM put the care in place. Having said that, 3x social services visit per day is fuck all, so if you can pay for more then it may be worth it.

Oh so sorry to hear one day
Big hugs - hope DM starts to improve

Tough night last night. Youngest dog collapsed and died in dh's arms 1am ish. On way back from vets got call from hospital dm has pneumonia and was struggling to breathe. Went straight there and stayed till 5am. Really scary thought I was going to lose her too. Dd devastated today and don't know when dm will be discharged now. I can barely connect with reality today x

Visited DF today he was bit more with it
I unpacked all his hospital bags, tidied room for him etc
DD is going on Friday to take down Xmas decorations
SW rang this morning and is not happy about how DF was treated in hospital nor how I was messed about over funding etc
It’s the gap between what SS fund and what the NHS will fund and neither seem to talk to each other
I’m now making complaint re discharge to assess system - not that I think it will achieve much - but they need to know how bad it is
First day back at work was tough and I didn’t get enough done so will put a few hours in tonight once I get off MN

Hi all. Can anyone share any experience of Donepezil? It's been prescribed for my mum but I'm scared of the side effects. She's already losing weight, has little appetite and feels dizzy. I don't really want to add to her problems.

Mikado, big hugs
Please, please take care of yourself 💐
And this thread on MN is gold. If you need support, you can find understanding here with these wise, caring ladies.

Your post has made me cry Iamdanish. I can't manage to post anymore but following anyway for now.

Dint what a mare.

I didn't express myself very well there. I meant if mum was in hospital - I mean I'd go home to an empty home rather than to look after someone else.

in terms of elderly care and social services, would they be involved if mum needs care? we would have to hire private carers as it's £23k in savings I think, for social services to pay for care (or did I totally imagine that?)

I forgot to say on here, I had coffee with a contact who did something similar ish. Her dad is ill, needs carers, her mum is the major earner of the three of them by a mile. So the contact rented out her home and moved back in with her olds to keep an eye on dad and the carers, so to speak.

she did this at 42, she's now 46 and she thinks it was the right thing to do all round. Her parents are quite young, so this is likely to be the rest of her life. I asked if she found it depressing living there and she said, it's a lot better than rushing visits around full time work and the rental on the flat is a lot less stressful than work. So that was thought provoking.

she does all the errands and gets on with her fitness (dance training in her case, much more time consuming than me running) and she is also happier socialising locally in the day time than going out to bars etc at night.

I'm not making any decisions till spring.

Grace if you lived there, it would get to 24 hour stress. It's much easier to physically stand back and say "no I'm not doing more than x hours of care" if you're not actually living there. SS will talk about you "just" doing this or that for your mum, without any comprehension of all the background stuff you're doing for her. So go into it with your eyes open.

Meanwhile, I'm pondering at the ways hospitals use "data protection" to avoid giving fundamental information to those that they are relying on for the care of their patients - this morning I got "we can't really tell you anything over the phone", and the conversation continued:
"what arrangements have you made to get him into the house?"
"We've ordered the transport and they'll take him to the doorstep"
"So how are you going to get him into the house?"
"Why, is there a problem?"
"He lives alone and doesn't have a key with him".
"Oh..."

I half wish I hadn't phoned them, and let them sort it out for themselves.

Last time his discharge was delayed "because not everything is in place"...two days later it emerged that the sticking point was the OT wanted a comfy armchair downstairs. Neither OT nor hospital were planning to get a chair, and neither had spoken to us about getting a chair (which we did by simply moving a chair from his computer room upstairs to the room downstairs).

thigh

I live in a not-nice bit of Zone 4 /5 - no, I don't miss it at all. I haven't enjoyed central London for a few years now so def don't miss that.

I also don't miss working! I've run a bunch of errands for mum this morning, which would be a norm if I moved in here. But renting the flat out would mean I could get very part time work - which I would try to get local to mum - and the local area here is so much nicer.

so much as it's weird to think of living with the sad elderly mummy, there are definitely pros. The idea of not working full time ever again is hugely appealing.

I've found a couple of local groups I can join - I'm not going to do anything just yet, or say anything to mum yet - but I think meeting people will be okay, or I'll get enough socialisation to suit me. I'm quite introverted anyway.

re songs and situations - when we were toing and froing from dad in hospital/hospice, I often stayed with mum, but when I stayed in the flat, I would sing along to music after visits and just try and relax. Not really appropriate here as mum was too upset for even watching TV.

I have thought that, theoretically, if mum got ill, it should be easier than it was with dad. It sounds odd but it's because when dad was ill, I felt like I had to look after two parents. So on some level it might be the case that looking after one is easier. I would get back from hospital visits after physically feeding dad etc - of course the nurses can do it but I preferred to do it - and then I'd be making sure mum was eating etc.

So it was kind of 24 hour stress, which I guess with any future care/illness of mum, it wouldn't be. though of course the stress of watching a parent suffer...or any loved one...argh. then there's the guilt thinking "well I'm not the one in the hospital bed so I have no right to moan".

though if I believed in a god, I'd be praying she goes without suffering as dad did. Well I'd pray everyone went without suffering really!!

Thigh Many a post-hospital drive home was spent massacring a bit of Celine or a few Disney hits. Me and sis said if anyone had caught us they'd think we were utterly heartless but you take your distractions however you can!