The new shiny 2019 thread for anyone caring for elderly parents

Ill soz

Just wanted to say hi I have cared for two elderly and I'll parent's who I miss dearly I'm also a professional in the caring arena so pm me if need advice or have questions about assessments, chc, care, respite advocacy

Grace - I'm in London, too, and my sense (although I have no hard evidence to bear this out) is that our GP and hospital provision is worse than elsewhere. With GPs, it seems to be because it's hard to retain them and so our practice is under so much pressure (so oversubscribed, really) that it's very hard to get an appointment. My mother, who lives farther out, fares better because of course as an oldie she gets priority. Because our nearest hospitals are teaching hospitals they are in effect national resources and, again, my sense is that they're under greater pressure and more oversubscribed than smaller hospitals in the shires. The teaching hospital in which my father died has very poor ratings from the CQC and would probably have a new management team imposed on it, if it were a school.

Thigh - I think all of this is very much a feminist issue. Middle-aged women are having to take up the slack because neither the NHS nor social services can provide comprehensive care and middle-aged men don't, for the most part, think it's anything to do with them and are anyway "too busy". I may be projecting a bit here.

my parents have been in and out of hospital lots since I was 16

an incident from long ago was our worst, mum wasn't old then.

I was looking at her medical chart - which of course a lot of people won't do, they will trust the staff - and I found a medication marked for her to take that she absolutely mustn't have with some of her underlying health problems.

the bizarre thing was, it wasn't even for her treatment, it was written there because....well who knows?! Sadly, it was 4pm on a Friday afternoon when I found this. So I told a nurse who looked fearful and said "the trouble is, the admin team have to change this, I'm not allowed to". So I asked her to show me the admin office...when I walked in and explained, a smirking member of staff told me they couldn't change it till Monday morning.

So I said "you are seriously telling me that you can't be arsed to print out another chart so mum might die after taking a med she's not supposed to take?"

she carried on smirking at me and another person quietly said to me, I'll sort it out.

my dad had to stand guard and explain to another nurse, doing meds, that although it was written down, mum couldn't have it. If two of us hadn't been there, I think mum would have been given it that Friday evening.

that particular hospital went into special measures and from our experience with dad, it has got better - famous last words. But one of mum's concerns about me maybe moving into her area (she still doesn't know I'm thinking about moving in with her) is that hospital situation is shite.

Because I'm in outer London I seem to have access to better care, I've had a couple of injuries and pneumonia in the last ten years and was looked after. Also the GP situation is better in my area than hers - which is funny because her area is much nicer, but I wonder if that means a lot of people go private or something.

her neighbour was saying to us that London hospital provision is much better than the rest of the UK, no idea if that's true.

I think yes it is a feminist issue, women are the ones bearing the brunt

One consolation is that I'm so fucking worn out I won't need any shit elder care myself.

Dint "washed, dressed and breakfasted in half an hour". It's not much more than I do for my dogs, it's wrong. Of course I love babies and children and want them to have the best care, but it should not be either / or.

I'm so distracted with either caring, managing care, worrying (necessarily) about meds etc, and phone calls that my earning and parenting power is zilch.

Olds are living a very long time in crap health so the old v young debate starts not to apply. If I moved in (which I won't) and did 24/7 everything re Dad would be so much better. But mine and my family's life would be destroyed.

And the funding isn't fair, why should the NHS cost money only for old people? My youngest gets free things due to being disabled, why doesn't Dad? If you want to be a bastard Dad has paid tax and my youngest hasn't and maybe never will.

Is this a feminist issue? By and large it's women taking all the calls, wiping all the bums. Meanwhile ruining our careers and keeping us down. Obviously it's not a plot, it's just women are last in the queue.

yolo thanks for the clarification over pals. Always thought they were more proactive - I'm learning quickly! It took 1/2 hour yesterday (and 3 goes of me kicking up a fuss) for someone to check on mum's swollen hand. No-one could find the nurse for her room apparent she was on her break with no-one covering a room of 6 patients! Turns out the canula had slipped and fluid was leaking into the tissue. She's on steds now for her breathing and seems better but I'm scared to allow myself to see improvement if that makes sense. New day today so we'll see.

There was a report out earlier this week which said ageism was rife in the UK (not news to us on MN)
www.theguardian.com/science/2018/dec/26/uk-is-completely-and-institutionally-ageist
... "For example, a younger person with brain damage will have a care plan from the NHS that includes maintaining links with their family and accessing education.

“An older person with the same level of functionality but suffering dementia, however, will have a social care plan costing many thousands of pounds less a week, which is based entirely around getting the older person out of bed, washed and breakfasted, all in half an hour."

That brought it home to me. That they could even think of having my father live in his front room with a commode. There's no hint of any rehabilitation services to get him able to be out and about on the buses again, or using his computer. It's immoral to condemn someone to that sort of existence, and then make them pay for it out of their own money.

The other gap in communication is with the family. We're seen as a resource to do the bum wiping and keeping watch over someone (twice they've sent for a fairly unnecessary ambulance then handed over to me to stay with him for the 8 hours till the ambulance arrived) but they were happy to keep him in hospital for an extra week for lack of a downstairs armchair without thinking to ask me whether we had one available.

yolo yes i was wondering about cancer and other complex illnesses. It's great that your DH has an assigned nurse, hopefully that deals with at least some of the potential for dropping important information. It's like a terrible jigsaw and no one has the box. I would have thought the joining up should be a GPs job. We're all raised to be proud of and grateful for the NHS but when you really get up close the gaps are life threatening.

I suppose it's true, the olds are only going one way but need it be with unchanged urine soaked hospital gowns, bed sores, wrong medication etc etc etc

There is money but it's going on pointless political shit and quangos. Blah blah.

yes thigh absolutely no joined up thinking in elderly care - but I also think potentially the same in areas like cancer. with dh, we have an assigned cancer care nurse, and she's lovely and quite kickass, but because its all multidisclipnary there are inevitably gaps. With older people though, it seems to matter less.. like they're old and going to die anyway. which is not necessarily untrue, but it would be better if they could all have an easy passing.

Thank you all, i will do ooh tomorrow and i think go and physically find the cardio on Monday. Bloody ridiculous, there's so much confusion in elder care, it's awful. Maybe it's like this in other medical areas that require multiple and possibly competing drugs, i don't know. There's no joined up thinking. This is why so many of us are downing in phone calls.

oneday pals are only office hours, and in our area only react within 48 hours... and then that's an email acknowledgement only. its only when you get close up as it were that you realise the problems and the difficulties of making sure care is as it should be. Elderly care should be so much higher up the agenda, it shouldnt be so difficult for those of us who care for them.

I think thigh I would try and call OOH tomorrow to get a review/new scrip. You wont get a cardiologist over the w/e, and I doubt you want to take him anywhere. I think the ward, having discharged him, will be equally useless.

DB and I are trying to work out how to share out/get rid of big bits from mum's house. pretty much in agreement, except for one thing which I had lost sight of and that he wants - discovered it hidden behind 'my' chair in living room, so hiding in full view as it were. most of the furniture has 'homes' as he has 4 adult children; mine not in position to need furniture yet, and in our mid-late 50s DH and I have more than we need.

Could you contact pals at the hospital he was in thigh? I've not used them myself but they are meant to deal with concerns over care and should be able to help you with this. Failing that I would go back to the ward and refuse to leave until you see the consultant. Good luck hope it gets sorted soon, what's your dad taking at the moment?

thigh what a mare!

if it's nearby then I would try going in, yes. If it's a cardiologist you're trying to track down then it's possible you won't get an answer till Monday. That's awful. I can understand a mistake, we had this when mum came out of hospital, but the GP managed to get in touch with the hospital within half a day or so. Three days is really poor. Hope you get it sorted asap.

Shall i just rock up at the ward Dad was on? Who also don't answer the bloody phone.

I'm sorry to merail during these sad times but has anyone got any advice re the following please?

Dad was on 5mg bisoporil before going into hospital in October. His cardio consultant wrote a letter to his gp upon discharge saying it should be increased from 1.25 mg pd to 2.5 mg pd - but that seems to be a mistake cos 2.5 mg is a decrease from 5mg.

The pharmacy queried this mid week and the GP has been trying to confirm with cardio if the letter is a mistake. Weds, Thursday, Friday the gp has been trying to contact cardio. Just no contact, how can I get an answer if they simply don't answer the number or email given on the letter?

Oneday everything crossed for your mum.

Foxy and Oneday sending you both virtual hugs x

foxy
Oneday

What a berk he is, OneDay.

so sorry foxy, but so pleased it was peaceful - and as you say, no more suffering. I found this thought was a massive comfort to me.

So sorry foxy

Just had to walk out of the hospital as dm's db has just told her that the dog died - while she's already distressed and struggling to breathe. Seriously how could he be so stupid and thoughtless? I'd made it clear to him that dm was not to know. Can't even look at the man right now. Sorry, needed to vent.