The new shiny 2019 thread for anyone caring for elderly parents

Can’t really help with care homes because we’re not at that stage yet (and might never be because for now mother won’t contemplate it) but my friend’s mother is in a home with a dementia wing. As I understand it, the dementia wing and the other wings have separate activities, so I suspect that’s what to look for, for oldies who have differing needs.

Hi Detoxpup

My mum sounds similar to yours, has been very low in mood and "can't carry on like this" for years. Pain from arthritis but generally OK health for her age (86). Her mobility is also bad, although she is ok with a rollator, but she hadn't been out of the house on her own for a few months, and then last Feb my Dad died and she was on her own.

Long story short, she is now living in a care home near me (was previously 2.5 hours drive away). She is by far the most able there in most ways, both physically and mentally, which isn't great as any activities etc are mostly targeted at residents with dementia (understandably, as they are in the majority). I think if she and dad had made the move to a sheltered flat up here a while ago she would have been able to stay there, but they didn't and she wouldn't have been able to cope with that change now.

She is not as anxious as she was at home, is safer (she is prone to falls), and of course I am nearer and can take her to hospital appointments etc. She isn't very happy, but never was, moans about everything, but always did ... So on the whole I think it has been the right move, but it certainly isn't perfect. If anyone has any ideas about finding a care home that isn't primarily for people living with dementia, please let me know (and of course I'm aware that her health could worsen in various ways, and it may be a good thing that she is already somewhere which can cope with that.)

Sorry, that became about me rather than you. But if I can help in any way, shout!

Oneday that is good that your school supports you I hope you have a good day tomorrow - @ your daughter's comments

Grace212 yes she complains she never sees anyone and they are old......despite there being a lot of lovely people with her

trockodile how do you find the full time carer thing? I'm in awe.

Detox you mean she complains she never sees anyone and/or complains they are all old people?

Detox I'm lucky in that I've worked in this school for years and work with a fantastic group of people. They all know not to ask me if I'm ok but just to carry on as normal unless I ask for something else. I think I need to be around people who aren't hurting as much as I am and I need the kids to make me laugh. I've been honest about what I'll be able to do re workload and, as a department, we are very good in supporting each other in that respect.
The reality of working in an inner-city (possibly any)school is that so many of the kids I teach have already lost a parent. I'll take strength from them.
Hope you get somewhere with your mum. Thinking of you.

@rabbitykins -I’m an occasional lurker on this thread and full time carer to my mum (can’t walk, full body hoisted, spina bifida, Normal Pressure Hydrocephalus etc etc etc!) My best tip if you think your mum has mobility problems is to apply ASAP for PIP mobility. There is no component for mobility with Attendance Allowance, and my mum is (unbelievably) not entitled to any sort of motability vehicle or help at all due to not applying till after 65. We self funded an adapted vehicle and she even has to pay full road tax and vat on it. Nobody-drs, district nurses, financial advisor from council, MP etc believed this until I showed them evidence from DWP.

Oneday I am back to the classroom tomorrow today and agree with needing the distracion but....

Morecheerfulonica thank you - you put that into words perfectly - yes hopefully it will crystallise her thoughts and needs - she sees her GP frequently (I may be imagining it but I think even he takes a deep breath at the beginning of the consultations)

Grace yes she does have fantastic friends who phone frequently if I am at her house there will be numerous phone calls, she goes to village teas and groups but still sees noone and they are all old.........

I am going to have to go back and reread the thread to find out about cockroaches I think I've got the Teflon covered (see what I did there!)

Oneday I had to virtually ban visitors to dad. Even at the point where he could only wave hello weakly, people were still standing around. Annoying.

Detox what does the carer do for your mum? Interesting that your mum says she is too busy - does she have friends, hobbies etc? Sorry she is so down.

thigh I'm doing ok. No real change with mum; sometimes she seems a bit better, other times she looks so poorly. Just feels like Groundhog day most of the time. Still hopeful of discharge just so we can do the little things that the nurses don't / can't.
I'm back in work tomorrow - not sure how I feel about that. Part of me needs to get back to the distraction of a classroom of kids but it's going to be tough as I'm so tired already. Luckily colleagues and kids are great so I'll have a lot of support.
yolo please look after yourself. It's difficult to be honest with people sometimes but you know it's what you have to do. I'm now having to police mum’s visitors as so many people are wanting to go in and see her that it's becoming a steady stream and she's simply not up to it. I've turned people away over the last couple of days which was horrible but necessary.
rabbit so sorry for what you are going through. Some great advice re getting AA and some support. A good piece of advice given to me was to try to get carers to do as much as possible so that the time you have with your mum is quality time. In terms of the mental load I triage - what do I have to deal with? what can I afford (emotionally) to deal with? then everything else. It's working for now but it's vital to give yourself moments to clear the shelves of 'everything else' from time to time.
Now that I understand the significance of cockroach (thanks yolo) cockroach to all.

Hello, detoxpup. I can relate very much to what you say, especially about your mother’s low mood and saving her desperation for you. How recently has she seen her GP? Respite care sounds like a good call - it might help her crystallise her thinking about what she needs and how she’s going to arrange it.

I am in awe with you lot you have so much to deal with.

My mother seems to be in a different situation to many of you as her health on paper is generally good , no heart issues, mobility ok but she is very low in mood and "can't carry on like this" .

She gets tired and does seem to have blood sugar issues and have weak wobbly moments. She has been told to eat regularly but this does not seem to happen. She also has upset stomachs but generally in the eyes of the medics is in good health for an 85 year old.

I have asked for a memory test as she is showing some cognitive decline but we are not sure if this is due to anxiety and depression or something else.

I work full time and have limited time to spend with her but do call her every night which is usually an hour of low mood and how bad she feels.

We do have a carer coming once a week, we wanted more but she was too busy!

Our next step is for her to go into respite care next week to see if being amongst people 24/7 helps her - no idea if this is a good idea. Seeing other clients in the home she is way more physically capable than them but we are not sure of what else we can do to help.

I was wondering if being in respite care the staff may be able to help us with tips to get her feeling better or maybe this is not an option.

She can put on her best behaviour for professionals and appear very together and then saves the misery and desperation for us.

Yolo I am new to all this and do way less than you but I always think oxygen mask - you need to help yourself to the oxygen mask first in the crashing plane to be able to help others.

D.E.F - a special bonus for Deranged Elderly Fallers!

Foxy and Oneday how are you both?

Yolo when you said earlier that there were DEF 2 rates of AA i went hunting high and low for a benefit called D.E.F.

Thank you Grace :)

yolo I hope that will be fine now, she is being very short sighted if she can't see that you can't do all this.

just flagging this up in case anyone can advise this poster..

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/elderly_parents/3470737-grandparents?watched=1&msgid=83883280#83883280

Hi Rabbit welcome, sorry (for you) that you need to get in our terrible lifeboat.

Yolo I'm glad you've dumped something on us as you give support all the time. My opinion is that you have to have a talk with your bff. You've helped willingly for over 2 years, that's a long time. You could say "Mary, as you know I'm up against it with DH's cancer and I can't do anything towards the charity for the foreseeable future. As you know it's very dear to my heart and I don't want to let you or the contributors down. It's time for me to step back and for you to look at other options re business support now".

Btw - you were right re AA, they should be getting the higher rate, thank you.

I'm really not amazing, I am very ordinary and plain and dull... but I am soft-hearted! msgd friend earlier to say next couple of weeks are manic for me (already got 2 days filled week after next) but I will do what I can when I can... no reply. She is a bit 'top trumps' about grief. She lost her mother, daughter and aunt within a 6 week period, and when her DH (who she cant stand) had a bowel cancer scare daughter said she wished she had cancer instead of her dad and then promptly got a particularly horrible form of it and died 2.5 years later. She would never, ever, do anything willingly to hurt me or make me feel bad, and we love each other to bits, and she offers me every support verbally but still expects me to be able to do everyting and at the moment I just cant.

yolo, I don't know where you get time to take a breath.

Have you already talked to your friend and explained you can't help out for a while - sorry if I missed it, but I'm not clear if you have and if she is not listening, or if you've not yet broached it.

clearly you have done a fantastic job with the charity and it's time to step away and focus on other things.

Ladies, I need to dump some stuff, and I know this isnt the right place (as nothing to do with oldies) but I trust you lot...

Feb 2016 my best friend's daughter died, aged 19. Oct 2016 we set up a charity in the daughter's name to raise money for research into glioblastoma (brain cancer). In just over 2 years we have raised over £180k, funded a researcher for 5 years and put a 'down payment' on another huge project. Friend, her son and I are the only trustees, we take no salaries, pay all costs ourselves so every penny we raise goes directly into research at a major London hospital. All good, we are happy with what we are doing. I am the business brain if you like, I do the PR, I understand something of how charities run and I know how to make things happen. She and son are very good at doing what I tell them in terms of media stuff, but they don't 'do' unless I make shit happen. I dont mind that, I dont ever want to be centre stage.

Here's the BUT... as you all know, I've had a shit year, dog died, 2 rabbits died, fox got my last remaining chickens, mum died, and now DH has stage 3 cancer. The last 6 months have been nothing but crisis management for me, but I've managed to keep working, keep doing the charity stuff.

Friend is constantly saying will I do this, will I do that, can I do it now/tomorrow etc. But I literally just cant - I mean, I promise, but as well as all the above, I have a house, a dog, adult kids who need stuff, sorting out DM's will and house, all that life stuff etc etc etc. When I have a few minutes down time I literally dont have the energy at the moment, and if I do I should be focussing it on paid work.

Next week is an example, DD2 back to uni Mon 8 hour round trip drive away, DH prob not well enough; I have a mammogram Tues, away Weds-Fri, DD1 back from skiing Sat am. I will literally NOT have a single minute, and she knows this but still keeps saying could I just... and I love her to pieces and dont want to tell her to fuck off, but I just need a break!!

grace you need to look at it the other way around - you need to maximise what she cant do, and minimise what she can. (I know that sounds awful, but DB was in mental health for almost 40 years, and knows the tricks to get the money, he managed to do it for my really rather well off mum). So eg, can walk half a mile - can she do it on a regular basis, does she need to stop and catch breath, does she need assistance, if that's on a good day think what she is like on her absolute worst day. 'can do light dusting' = means a cleaner to enable her to keep the house straight.