The new shiny 2019 thread for anyone caring for elderly parents

Dint, that's shocking

bit worried about something, might be being silly

mum is normally a good driver

today she had a tiny knock while reversing, no damage to the other parked car

what worried me was that I felt she was reversing differently than usual - I noticed it just before the knock

she's cross with me for worrying and has pointed out that this has never happened to her before. Maybe I am over worrying....

Radio 4 You and Yours today had a section on LAs taking a firm line on "deprivation of assets". They heard from the family of a 97 year old who needed financial assistance to continue in a care home, and the LA were putting a lot of pressure on the family about what they saw as inappropriate spending, money which should have been saved to avoid a need for LA contribution. Items included:

When 97 year old was still at home, making changes to her kitchen to allow her to stay at home longer

Installing a stairlift

Allowing the 97 year to continue giving Christmas and Birthday presents to grandchildren

Moving her to care home which was not at rock bottom price.

LA Ombudsman was clear the LA were being unreasonable, but the family had months of stress and harassment. It's very worth listening to what he had to say - first item on the link below:
www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/m0001yg5

I'll look that number up, thanks

I've posted about DM before, she has a dual diagnosis of Alzheimer's and vascular dementia alongside other issues. Her behaviour is becoming steadily worse, she gave the carers notice to quit earlier in the week, today they have quit with immediate effect. They are not prepared to cope with her aggression.

What happens now? I've run out of solutions. Thank you for letting me vent.

Just having a gentle wail. We've all gone down with flu - well, I know it's not flu, but it's a cold with a cough that has completely pole-axed us. I have barely slept or eaten for the last 5 days, and when my GP rang me this morning it threw me - first I couldn't remember who he was, then I couldn't remember why I'd asked him to ring me ...

Then I dragged myself down to my father's for an arranged home visit by the mental health doctor. When he hadn't turned up half an hour after the appointment time, I rang his office, got his secretary (that in itself is an achievement), and he rang back 10 mins later to say sorry, his secretary hadn't added it to his calendar. So I explained to him at length in minute detail a) how surprised I was, since I'd rung several times to make sure the appointment was going ahead (afraid two hospital stays might have muddied the water), most recently yesterday, when the secretary had promised to get him to ring me back, b) the impact on other people, not least unnecessarily exposing my father to my germs.

Then I came back home and went back to bed.

Maddywest yes my mum does sound similar –and thank you for your experience. My concern is that on good days she is very capable but they are becoming few and far between. She has refused respite care for the time being she was due to go in tomorrow.

Yolofish my Mum has been widowed for 30 years so I have had the low mood pretty much from then but when she was more active I seemed to get more or a break as she spread the misery around a bit. She can not take antidepressants as she seems to get every side effect under the sun unfortunately but the Dr is pushing her to try again. It is reassuring to hear your views and although not cheerful it does help – thank you!

Jace really hope you can get a few days away to recharge

Shivering I am a newbie but already have had good advice and support from this thread – I am so sorry you have so much to deal with. Your situation sounds emotionally and physically exhausting. I agree give yourself time out – time to stop thinking and to just slow down. Easy to say but hard to do

Is attendance allowance easy to claim?

Welcome to the thread shivering. Feel free to say whatever you want to here, there is no judgement made, just empathy, support and virtual hand holds (and virtual gin).

When you are feeling overhwhelmed, take a step or two back. Go for a walk if you can, or sit and have a coffee. Then regroup. You are no used to anyone if running on empty.

Just posting to join the thread! My dad is currently in hospice after suffering a major heart attack one year ago. He's gone from hospital to hospice then back home, then back to hospital, home again and now hospice. He's going to be "thrown out" of hospice soon because his health has improved. He's waitlisted for a care facility as he's too much work for my stepmother (retired nurse) to care for. This past year he's suffered several strokes, kidney failure, gout... he's incredibly resilient and I love him dearly! My mum had a stroke out of the blue in October. I freaked out; I haven't had a decent night's sleep since. I'm an only child and a single parent of two SN teens. I'm lonely and often feel overwhelmed.

^black hole! A whole black hole.

toofar if the social worker is saying that then my god take her at her word and make sure you get every benefit/advantage/care facility your mum is entitled to. really sorry, but you will have to be hard as nails at this point: you are not the 'daughter round the corner' who will fill in for ss failures (got that t shirt); push for a care home, and push for your input into her choice of care home. I 'think' depending on situation they should give you a choice. my mum went into one she chose on grounds of poshness (hated it), one for rehab - brilliant place, but she threw her self onto her bad arm because deranged - and one that we chose which she said she like but then fell over twice in two days. actually, all the stuff we went through trying to keep her happy was worthless because she was beyond that... god that's sad, but it is the case. So I would get totally hardhearted and kickass at this stage and think: what can she do, what services/benefits in the home can she take advantage of, what location is going to allow you and family the easiest option.

jace just stop and breathe for a day or so, it doesnt sound like it will make much difference to your DP, but oxygen mask for you and all that.

Glad you are all hanging in there
I’m so tired I can’t even post about all the awful things
DF is asleep every time I visit and I think has stopped fighting - so not sure why I am
Looking at other nursing options but the ineptness of SW is getting to me
My job is so full on it’s not true - I knew January would be awful but it’s only the 7th and I’m on my knees
Booked a few days away for early Feb but somewhere cheap that if I can’t go won’t be too big a loss

yolo - thank you. It’s what everyone is saying - the social worker has been fantastic and in her words “ your DM is unable to form an accurate assessment of her own needs”. But, boy, the GUILT!

Sorry to hear about your other issues - am increasingly believing that boundaries are a good and healthy thing. Hope you enjoy your time away.

sandwich thank you yes, it's not a prob, think she realised she was pushing me too hard, DD2 has had horrible accom probs at uni (think sorted now with vast amounts of cash but that's ok...) and both DDs have really struggled over the last several months and I prob wasnt honest enough about that. Her DS struggles enormously with the loss of his DS, so she does understand. DH has first oncology appt on Tues, and before that we have 3 days ABROAD! on our own! DD1 skiing with uni, DD2 back at uni but happy as moving, dog sitter booked, and we are fucking off away for a few much needed days of beautiful city, roughly a 2 hour bus mtg for him, and the rest of the time for chilling. AND I get to buy airport books!! go me!!!

detox I totally relate to what you say about your mum's low mood, I dealt with this for about 10 years and apart from getting her to see gp for antidepressants there was really very little I could do.

It's awful for the person, and awful for the one supporting them (I would fortify myself with red wine before visiting mum, have a couple while there and a couple more when I got home!) BUT you cant make anyone else happy is one thing I learnt.

I know this is not what people usually say, and also know no judgement on this thread: my mum wanted to die for many years (or more accurately, to be dead), so when she did die all I could do was to be happy for her. I did all the grieving during the awful last 5 months of her life which were a damn site worse than the previous 10 years of 'omg I hate everything'.

toofar also total empathy with your situation. god, I must sound like the grim reaper or something, but very similar situation with my DM - catastrophic fall, desperate to come home. We did actually bring her home, with private carers - total fuck up, she wasnt safe or well enough (not carers fault at all), and over 5 months she went from pretty independent to demented to dead. 9 hospital admissions, 3 different care homes, was a total nightmare. If the fall on June 7 had killed her it would have been a much better (although shocking) scenario all round.

Fuck me, I'm cheery!! so sorry all, and biggest cockroach all round x

Ha morecheerful - that name had gone!

Just typing all that helped. If she doesn’t have capacity, she doesn’t have capacity- so she wouldn’t understand what she was agreeing to.

It’s still tough when she cries down the phone (although the nurse says she stops crying when she hangs up - takes me back to the days of taking toddlers to nursery!)

Hello, Toofarout (on my bleaker days, I feel my screen name ought to be NotWavingButDrowning)

You're clearly in a tricky situation, especially if you don't have POA. I can understand that you want to facilitate what your mother says she wants, but that doesn't sound feasible. I don't know the detail of how it works (User[lotsof numbers] who posted earlier can probably advise) but I'm assuming that, if you had live-in carers, that arrangement could only last as long as your money lasted. I've never heard of social services stepping in to fund a live-in carer, although I stand ready to be corrected.

Hi, it’s been a while since I posted on here, and I’ve name changed since then. Sorry that this is a long post.

I’m looking for a bit of perspective / advice. Up until November, mum lived independently at home. She had very limited mobility, and was very confused. She refused any support from social services, and wouldn’t discuss giving me power of attorney because she was “very smart”.

Inevitably, in November, she fell. She broke her ankle and has been in hospital since then. Social services have assessed her and decided she doesn’t have capacity, and are proceeding on a “best interest “ basis. She is being moved to a care home shortly - hopefully on a temporary basis.

My issue is this: she is desperate to go home. Every time she speaks to family she cries and asks why she can’t go home with carers. The only way she could do that is with live-in carers, which will cost minimum £1000 a week. I have no authority over her finances, but I think her savings would cover that for a maximum of 6 months, but I can’t have a sensible conversation about money with her.

I’m sticking with the official line, which is that once she is able to get herself to the toilet at night she can go home with visiting carers. But I feel a bit unfair, and wonder if she should just be allowed to spend the money and then worry about what happens when it runs out. But of course she doesn’t really understand what she’d be agreeing to.

Thanks if you’ve read all this! Family all live a minimum of 5 hours away. I’ve managed to get to see her reasonably often, but now I’ve got health issues of my own which mean I may not be able to travel for a while.

If we privately funded live-in carers what would happen when the money ran out? Sorry if that is a naive question!

Monica, thanks, yes that's what I was hoping for with Mum's care home as there are separate floors for differing needs, but I think most people with my Mum's level of need tend to be in sheltered/very sheltered accomm rather than care homes, but circumstances have led us to where we are. I am in touch with a voluntary organisation and hoping they will be able to do some activities etc, in addition to what I can do.