The new shiny 2019 thread for anyone caring for elderly parents

Hello. Have been lurking on this thread. A bit teary at the moment. Felt quite alone in dealing with this rubbish and now know that there are too many people dealing with this daily.
I've been looking after mum after a bowel cancer diagnosis since the summer. She's had surgery and chemotherapy but has now suffered a massive stroke (been hospitalised for seven weeks now).
Don't know what the prognosis is likely to be but fear a nursing home is her only option.
She has given up and is currently refusing to eat. Now weighs about 6.5 stone when she is normally 8.5.
She's seeing a mental health nurse who is fab and us three siblings see her daily but not sure what else to do.
We're organising lasting power of attorney in case capacity fails but at the moment she is compos mentis and begging us to go down the Dignitas route( she's been told no one can assist her suicide).
Lots of great advice here. Thank you.

countrygirl sorry to hear that

sandwich thank you.

Sad news today. My dad's 97yo brother died yesterday. Neither of my parents drive and he lived a long way away so I've offered to take them if dad is up to the trip. Doubt my golden brother will offer.

Jace. it’s all about ‘tone’. We have a little message board in DM’s room which is half cork, half white board. Think back to primary school wall charts. We have large grinning photos of my late DF which are cut out. Then on bits of plain thick paper we have cut out speech bubbles x6. Inside are instructions like Take your medicine, Brush your teeth, it’s shower time etc When my mum is difficult the staff change the message and say FortySix Dad wants you to do this. There are little drawing pins to pin message up and empty bubbles left for new instructions.For the whiteboard part we have little back and forward messages with staff. The messages are light hearted but give scope to gently remind. “ DM keeps scratching head. Likely to scratch major cavity. Can you watch out before she tunnels through to brains” They will write up if she needs deodorant etc. We also send good wishes and stamina to night staff as DM stays up through small hours. Or we apologise if we have spilled cake crumbs. May not work for your specific circumstances but you could modify to suit.

random query

mum is after some warm corduroy trousers with elastic waist, I can't think how to describe them apart from being the very thick old fashioned kind - she shivers even in 20C at the moment!

she has lost a shocking amount of weight and hers are literally falling off!! Any ideas where I can get some? her usual catalogue - she likes catalogues and will not be happy if I order them online - doesn't have them at the mo. I think that's Damart.

DF continues to improve slightly
I’ve booked 3 days away in February
Now worrying more about DM whose memory and cognitive ability is worsening - I still think she can cope ok but DB disagrees and I think will disempower her further before it is needed
Whilst I have an ok relationship with DB we are very different in personality and the way we approach things - at the moment I feel like I’m doing more than my share which doesn’t help
I haven’t got the energy to challenge things at moment
Any suggestions for trying to improve DF care in current nursing home without winding staff up
At lot of it’s small stuff like they tuck him up in bed, where he goes into compliant mode, if they leave his hands free he seems much happier
Because he’s NSG tube fed I don’t think they make as much effort as they could to improve his swallowing reflux and rehab team said to try and help him self feed which I’m pretty sure they don’t do
He’s safe and well cared for but not getting the opportunity to improve

yolo

tell your brother you will give it to charity. I bet then he'll crack on and sell it. hope DH is okay on Tuesday

Hi all, hope you are surviving the onslaught of your oldies. Had a lovely 3 days away, gorgeous food/wine/weather etc but back to earth with a crash now. DH not particularly well - first oncology appt on Tues - and DB has changed his mind about the stuff he said he would take from mum's house. now I am charged with selling quite a lot of it and splitting the proceeds. that's all very well, but its yet more bloody work for me. will just have to be brutal about it... and if we end up paying for house clearance then we split the cost too. bah. cockroach one and all and sorry for not catching up properly.

oh I see sandwich

gut hope it goes well.

Thanks for all your advice. I'm on the case!

*@thesandwich

does your mother live with you? Sorry if you mentioned this already.

shivering, that's awful.

hope everyone's doing okay.

Oh God! What a mess. My 80 year old mother, who had a stroke in October, was drinking vodka martinis in front of DS(15) at 5 pm on an empty stomach. DS had been staying with her to help her while my stepdad was away but after drinking, she turned on DS and basically threw him out, saying he was of no damner use to her. DS is very upset and hurt.

Grace
Yes, self-funding, which I think means she isn't going to be assigned a social worker (?) I hope to have a home assessment while she's still under the auspices of the hospital.
I have been advised to book respite to start with, so I'm not signing a contract immediately. I think this is good advice (from the current care home).

sandwich
No social worker (see above!). What community professional help should I expect in this situation if self-funding? Community nurse? Doctor? Not really sure who exists (IYSWIM!!!) We were promised assessment by the falls team 3 times when she was in hospital, and never heard a peep out of them.

Bit of a problem staying where she is as she hates it - she was very upset today and was it was difficult to distract her. She had also packed up all her things and moved them all to the communal lounge today, ready to get in the car. She's accusing them of all sorts of things (ECT, setting mountain lions on her, etc, etc) It was the same in the hospital, and my fear is that when she gets home we will be the scapegoats and the target of her paranoia.
Maybe we just have to accept that she will be unhappy wherever she goes?

Should I ask if she can be put on long-term antibiotics to help stave off any further UTIs?
She's also got cellulitis (and weeping skin) in one of her legs that she's had MORE antibiotics for, and today that looked as if it was flaring up again.

It's a good idea to contact Age UK. I'll do that tomorrow.

Gut Not all care homes will be exactly the same. I have experience of trying to reserve rooms in five. A lot will depend on the capacity they are operating at and if any wait lists. The two most expensive and profit orientated (same owners) wanted funds and contracts drawn up within 48 hours of shaking hands. In one instance even though my mum would have been three weeks from entering they wanted the room paid at full rate with no discounts for non taken meals or care. We didn't sign for the first one but did spend seven months in the 2nd one. Two others - which were not full- kept the room reserved until DM was ready and no up front payment. Interestingly another place which we had been on a wait list for four months found a room for us the day we took our name off the wait list. Sorry to hear about the wrist calamity. Sadly mum's dementia meant she unpicked three plaster casts but as she was detained in a mental health ward when it happened, she was able to get wheeled to another part of the hospital for replacement casts. Hugely stressful for her and you. Have also had hip broken twice.

Dint thank you, I will keep an eye

she did also point out that if she was 40 rather than 80, I wouldn't be worrying. She is a good driver generally. One neighbour here (am with mum today) has stopped using the smaller local supermarket because she's had a few prangs in the car park as she thinks it's too tight and she's about my age. Mum also does quite tight parking when she picks me up/drops me off at the station so perhaps it's all just part of my general stressy mode.

gut I would guess that a care package would involve a home assessment, x number of carer visits a day. is your mum self funding? I had to look at homes at short notice for dad, the larger ones in the were quite confident of having space but if it was temporary, they wanted the money up front. for permanent, they asked to see 2 years proof of funds.

Advice please!
After suffering a wrist fracture, UTIs and low electrolytes followed by a month in hospital, Dm (91) has been in intermediate care in a care home for 4 weeks with another 2 weeks to go. The care (so I found out today) is managed by the Integrated Care Team at the hospital, and is being paid for by the NHS.
Dm was functioning independently in early November, but is now suffering episodes of delirium - paranoia, delusions, etc. Between these episodes, she is talking fairly normally (although we found out the other day that she hides delusions from me, as 'I don't believe her').
We are anxious about her release from the home, as she lives in an annexe in our house. The Integrated Care Team are meant to be contacting us to arrange a care package, but I have no idea of what I should be asking for. It's very difficult to predict how she will react to life at home, and how much she'll be able to do.
The care home has suggested I look for a local care home over the next couple of weeks and 'book' a place, just in case everything goes wrong. Has anyone ever done this? If so, how long, in your experience, have the care homes held the place for?
I have no idea where we're going with this. Anyone been through it?

Start recording things. If it becomes a pattern, get her to book some refresher lessons (worth doing anyway because conditions on the road have changed so much)