The new shiny 2019 thread for anyone caring for elderly parents

Marking place

@Grace212 thank you 😀

Grace As you can probably imagine I was largely thinking out loud, with my own father in mind. His body is keeping him alive far longer than it should be doing.

Hi RoseMartha, welcome along. I hope we can be of use to you and/or help with the occasional bit of light relief. We did used to have a nightclub plan here, it was called Secret Gigolo I think....there's definitely a modern musical in there too....! I think there's no dress code but corduroy trousers might be frowned upon....

Can I join you all?

My elderly mother is becoming more demanding as more things are diagnosed and she is more dependant but getting depressed about it all. It is really hard because I have a sen child and am mid divorce ( which is now 10 months in and no end in sight).

Dint I guess I didn't find it complicated at that stage because he and I had already said our goodbyes a few weeks before! His body kept him alive much longer than it should have done.

I appreciate that when you say to someone "this person is in hospital and really suffering" they can't necessarily imagine it. His hospice admission was far too late in my opinion but I'm not a doctor. He didn't speak at all for the last two weeks, this was the point where my friend was saying "don't write him off".

one of the last wee jokes we had was him asking "how much does Jesus charge for a miracle" - I appreciate that might not be funny to anyone else but he and I were both obsessed with the cost of everything so at least we found it funny! (He didn't say it in front of mum though).

And I wanted to say "ten years ill health - please don't wish that on him". So complicated, isn't it? There's 10 years ill-health for him. There's the toll that 10 years ill health of the parent takes on the child. And even if the parent is adamant that they want to continue life till the bitter end, their everyday complaining makes it clear that the extra life isn't an unqualified blessing. So do they really want to extend life or are they just petrified of the alternative? (I know this is a different situation to you, fin). And how do you even start that conversation after 60 years of never even discussing each others' religious beliefs?

Paroxetine ah I see. There's so much complexity in treatment isn't there? I know what you mean about things impacting on each other.

overall, in terms of the feelings around suffering...not sure if I said it already but when I said to one friend that the end was near, because the hospital hadn't said this officially yet, she said "don't say that!! He could have another ten years!" And I wanted to say "ten years ill health - please don't wish that on him".

fin so sorry you are facing this, many similarities with my mum who is also now facing the end. If it helps we turned down chemo after a bowel resection 4 years ago, as she was 82 at the time, and she had another 4 good years. Please don't feel like the wrong choice was made over the chemo as there is no rhyme or reason to any of this and you can't be sure that anything would have played out differently.

She cracked ribs that punctured her lung, so had a chest drain put in (totally out of it on morphine, so unable to give consent for herself), at that stage she was able to go out and was relatively self-sufficient. Then loads of antibiotics for subsequent infections. She had another fall last year that fractured vertebrae and then another that led to a hospital admission, due to a suspected infection. Mum has multiple health issues, heart failure, osteoporosis, hiatal hernia, leg ulcers, type 2 diabetes etc. Each one has an impact on the other. She has capacity but I really don’t know if she really understands that she isn’t going to get ‘better’ or if it’s her way of coping.

Paroxetine if you don't mind me asking, what was the treatment after the fall?

Fin you are not alone, my Mum has no quality of life and begged to be ‘switched off’ in the summer yet in spite of palliative care only, she is still with us six months later. I still wonder if I should’ve refused treatment for her when she had her first bad fall three years ago but I suspect they would’ve treated her anyway. It feels so wrong to want an end but realistically it’s inevitable and everyday must be torture for her.

Not up for that just yet. Though can guess what it means. Been with others professionally at time of death but sudden and unexpected so a bit different to mum’s.

Fin yep. I totally get that.

I kept hearing "What Sarah Said" in my head, sitting by dad. Don't look that up if you are not ready! At times it was comforting, other times I couldn't believe the misery.

Just want this to end for her.

thanks for the other cords suggestions

yes, this thread is like "corduroy and beyooooooooooooond"

notaflyingmonkey oh dear, I hope it works out okay

Fin no, not at all. When the hospice said they couldn't work out if dad had days or hours to live, I knew hours would be better. There is a level of suffering that's scary to even contemplate. I did have some guilt thinking that he was the one suffering and yet I was internally whining...but watching a loved one suffer is appalling

Does anyone feel utterly crap at wishing an untimely death upon their loved ones just to save them from misery? I’m a crap human when I think about this.

It is a nice illustration of this thread, how cancer, Damart and strokes get discussed in the same breath almost.

I went to visit DM today and spent ages wrestling with a bird feeder that I bought her for Xmas. Then decided to read the instructions when I realised I didn't know what I was doing. Then I didn't know how to follow the bloody diagram - don't mark B is there is nothing in the million pieces to indicate which one is B. So sort of gave up after half an hour in the cold.

Came back in the house to DM asking if I could look at her leg. I'm no medic, but having been round this track many times before, I reckon it was cellilius. Phoned 111 who said they would have a Dr call back. Knowing how long these things take, I came home to get some stuff done knowing I may end up in A&E tonight. Still no call though, but a part of me is thinking DM will forget what she's been told, or try and make her own way to the Dr tomorrow.

Cockroach all.

No, cotton traders and Damart are valid contributions

Finfintytint and Country girl, sorry didn’t mean to galumph on about cords when you are having such hard times.

Thank you both (am hugged). The protein drinks feature but are not well received. Ive taken in snacks which I think she will enjoy- a bit of hoummus, feta, avocado and pear (previously enjoyed) but she has little interest. She is concerned about forced feeding! Ive said this will not happen but she thinks she is consigned to slowly starving to death by her own design. Yes, but it may take months and it won’t be pretty.
Hindsight is a wonderful thing but I wish she’d refused the chemotherapy and maybe had another year or so rather than than the prison that stroke is.

Hi Grace 212 you could try cotton traders for corduroy trousers with elasticated waist though not sure how warm they are. My Mum shopped with them and damart so I think may have had similar taste.

www.cottontraders.com/women/trousers-and-shorts/stretch-cord-trousers/AC13519.html?cgid=womens-trousers-shorts#cgid=womens-trousers-shorts&start=61&list=product+list&p=58

Finfintytint Your poor Mum. I've had 3 relatives/friends go to bowel cancer, and they all seemed to go very quickly, which was a blessing. My Mum and, 30 years later, her best friend, both took the fed up of life/stop eating route. I'm not sure which comes first, whether the person decides they've had enough and stops eating, or whether their body starts to pack up and they no longer wish to eat. I wish we hadn't spent so much of Mum's later weeks encouraging her to drink high protein drinks which she hated, and more time just trying to let her enjoy, or at least tolerate, what she could.

Finfintytint so sorry to hear this. If a hug from a stranger is any good, consider yourself hugged!