The new shiny 2019 thread for anyone caring for elderly parents

I raised with my DB the possibility of DM moving closer to him. He didn't say no, and raised it in turn with DM. Who today told me that she wouldn't.

The problem is, I can't keep up with providing the level of care that she needs. Plus, she is bored and lonely and in need of company, but refuses to go to any of the day centres etc, expecting me to provide it all for her.

I am planning on moving house in the summer, further away from her. So instead of being the daughter round the corner, I will probably be the same travelling distance away as DB is. So I am starting to put in place now some changes so that more of the things that I currently do get outsourced. She won't like it, but I am running out of choices. I think I have been ill pretty much constantly since Xmas, with a virus, then a chest infection. I'm exhausted pretty much all of the time, and find myself nodding off in front of the telly in each night like an oldie myself.

Where is the bloody joy in living like this.

grace the mundane chit chat is fine if people are out and about doing stuff and there is something to chit chat about! I used to find it so hard talking to mum, she was housebound and miserable and every convo used to come back to her - I know that sounds mean, but it is just how it was. Whatever I said/told her about me, or the DDs or DH, it came back to her, and it was bloody hard. And often if it was about the DDs, it became about how lax I am (they are nearly 23 and nearly 20!!) or about DH - well, lets not go there.

actually after I typed that out, I realised....it isn't compassion fatigue, I think it's just I can't spend so much time with another person.

it's not even that much time - 5 days gap - I just really struggle with that level of conversation and a lot of it is the kind of mundane chit chat I imagine I'd be fine with if I ever lived with someone.

whatever sorry to hear that

Yolo good that house is sold. can you sell a house before probate? I don't know how it works.

I'm battling compassion fatigue. I really miss the days when all I had to do was ring my folks every other day and then drop in once a fortnight.

Exactly right, thank you for summing it up, couldn't quite define it. Not just me it's watching the DC worry and time off work etc etc. Sounds selfish I'm sorry. I just want to be at home with DH, this week was harrowing with visits to London to see FIL . Hugs and strength to everyone xx

oh whatever that constant knife-edge, so draining. And so sorry about your loss of your FIL.
sandwich not my childhood home no, but she'd lived there 20 years so it is very familiar for the DDs.

Saw this in active convos, so I’m just dropping in to hand out , , , supportive hand squeezes and cockroaches.

Just after posting I got a call to say my DF was on way to hospital after falling out of bed! Now in a and e ( fortunately he seems fine!). So we pick ourselves up and dust ourselves off again.

Hug to all especially yolo.
Sorry I only seem to post when there's a drama but kinda tried to quietly appreciate the rare times of normality in between. Feels like ever since DM died in July we have lurched from one thing to the next. This week we have lost my very dear FIL following complications during a procedure on his heart. My family are devastated. Teenage DC struggling after such a recent first experience of loss ( and the very difficult relationship they had with DM) to now having to accept this awful news.
It's that feeling of constantly trying to pick yourself back up and carry on. There must be a limit to the number of times you can do that.

Group hug to all also. How are the mouldy oldies doing? Mum's house is sold STC (am aware there is many a slip twixt cup and lip) so starting to think about selling some of the furniture that no one wants. Ercol table and 6 dining chairs, antique linen fold oak dresser etc. Need to get DD1 to come and take photos for me. DH only got 6 more days of treatment left, worked out today that I will have driven 1100 miles just to get him to radio and back. What an exhausting thought. I think the sale of mum's house may be what hits me, I quite often go round there with ddog and pootle about and just sit down quietly... I guess when it goes it will be end of an era time.
cockroach to all.

Finally "This advice comes to you from the school of easier said than done"

that made me lol

Is Jace having surgery this week, I hope she's all right. General group hug also

Don't be toooo hard on yourself Grace we need to be kind to ourselves

This advice comes to you from the school of easier said than done

Finally aw, that's good. my mum is also an excellent role model, if only I had inherited her patience and kindness.

yolo cockroach indeed 😀

good news re the home apollo, it should make life so much easier doing 2 miles rather than 200.
finally we found DM just slowed down before it all went really tits up...
grace and jace how are you both doing?

Bloody filthy weather here, I have had to do the ironing and some housework today so help me god. Our dryer has died, usually DH would fix it just by looking at it but not at the mo. So have pinched mum's airer thing and am sticking the odd load in her dryer as and when. Usually I wouldnt really be that bothered, but DH gets through a lot of pants at the mo (sorry, TMI, but bowel cancer really IS shit). Only 11 more days of treatment to go, spread over next 2 weeks and the following Monday. cockroach one and all.

Thanks Fortysix. They look great.

Apollo google snappytags. Not cheap but the current favourite of last two carehomes. These are plastic top & tail reusable buttons. Requires purchase of applicator gun. Fiddly and not great for socks. However, DM has mostly retained all her clothes. Tip: Label his glasses and keep a photo of them.

DM is 92, a pretty good innings, too.

And an excellent role model of looking on the bright side and not complaining.

Finally that sounds tough on everyone. What age is your DM?

good that you have a helpful sibling.

Thank you sandwich

Sorry Grace DM has not been exactly ill but loads of appointments for one thing and another. Mostly as the GP described it her ticker is running down. She had been living independently for some six or so years since DF died. We have noticed that she needed (not necessarily wanted) ever more help

For the last four weeks she has had a live in companion (a fifteen day rotation) DM is fretting (over nothing) much less but then it can't be easy to share a house with a stranger, however kind they are. DM struggles with seeing and hearing and was never able just to say straightforwardly what she wants, preferring us to just know what she wanted. A bit of a challenge for any stranger coming in but trivial in the scheme of things.

I'm reminding myself that she is safe, well fed and not alone. Thanks lovely people for helping me understand how many blessings I have to count and that DSis who lives closer and upon whom the main burden rests can enjoy her holiday.

Finally think I missed something, has DM been ill?

That's good news Apollo, I'm sure your FIL will feel much happier round the corner from you as well.
I tried a couple of types of iron on labels for DC school clothes and they didn't last many washes on 30 temp as they peeled of, so resorted to sew on ones. I'm not sure whether the home would use a normal temp or higher when doing their washing. Alternative would be sharpie on the clothes labels - would be hidden when wearing, though I appreciate that doesn't look as good.