The new shiny 2019 thread for anyone caring for elderly parents

Rose welcome to our terrible gang. It's hard isn't it? Everything hits all at the same time. I, for one, gaily imagined my parents would live happily and then sleep away one night. It's all very sad.

yolo Thanks for the update. Woke up wondering how you'd got on. Glad it's as good as it can be.

RoseMartha You need to keep your own life going above all else. Decide how many visits a week you can accommodate long term and stick to it - if it's anything less than "7" she's going to kick off anyway, so you might as well stick firm on "1" or "2" or whatever your answer is. You know in your heart that whatever you do it's never going to be enough to make her happy, so whatever you do, don't trash your own mental health.

Hi my mum has several heath issues including copd, arthritis, thyriod issue, borderline diabetic, waiting for memory clinic assessment, just been diagnosed with a prolapse, urine retention, depression, feeling generally unwell and under going countless blood tests.

She wants to see my sister or I everyday if we are not working and gets whiny and demanding if we can not. My sister is married with kids and works part time. I work part time have kids one with ASD, and am mid divorce. It is all getting rather stressful.

She refuses to sign LPAs and says she might as well be dead already if she signs them. She will not call her friends just makes excuses. She has been told no driving until been to memory clinic and had tantrums about this repeatedly. Not sure if i will have to move car keys. Moans all the time about everything!

Getting me down. I have enough on with the divorce which is not going smoothly and everything else in general.

yolo I promise I am not one of those people who finds fault with everything....the idea that someone dying in another country would have a tax implication, and the fact that you don't feel comfortable with this solicitor - combines to ring alarm bells. Is the solicitor charging by the hour, could they be seeking excuses to do more work on the estate?

I'm also wondering why it would even come up. Your inheritance is from your DM. I am not pretending to be an expert or anything, it's just so bizarre.

cheers sandwich. DD1 now has 2 days to clear the detritus she has shed all over the fucking house, and DD2 so looking forward to being home - and us to see her. Actually think she might miss Ddog the most, but I'll take what I can get ...!

Corduroy def makes me look fat! as does silk, cotton, velvet, lycra blah blah.

Good-ish news today. No spread to lungs (as otherwise terminal diagnosis) and oncologist says not fixed to pelvic wall (as otherwise major surgery). Full explanation of treatment (quite aggressive, 5 x radio 5 days a week for 5 weeks, plus chemo (tablets) at the same time. Nasty side effects, but hey ho. Next stage is another MRI scan to establish whether colostomy reqd before they start treatment, but all being well could be underway in 2-3 weeks time.

Stupid solicitor being a wanker about mum's estate, apparently my father caused undue complications by dieing (sp?) in Ireland 22 years ago so there may be a tax implication. cannot believe that is the case on an estate worth less than £400k but the bloke is a nasty little weasel who DB and I hated on sight. Finally managed to sign off estate agents details, but DB ID not 'good enough' which has put DB in a rage. However I have and DH is cooking so things could be worse. And I have DD1 home for an extra 2 days and DD2 coming home tomorrow so all is as good as it can be at the moment.

Yolo I will comfort myself with the thought that it's the corduroys that make me look fat rather than the fat.

I'm crossing everything for your DH.

Cockroaches crossed for Mr Yolo.

And cockroach from me too, yolofish.

There is something faintly depressing about corduroy though, I think? No matter how much someone tries to bring it back into fashion, it never lasts. I think its because it makes everyone look fat.

Reading some of the posts above, and the lack of understanding about death perhaps not being the worst that can happen... I think in some, perhaps, many cases death is the best thing that can happen. It certainly was for my DM; it saved her from more pain and terror, and the prospect of a 250 mile move at DB's instigation. It was also the best thing for me and mine, in many many ways. I guess there is a huge difference though between being 88 and having been failing for years and being eg 58 and not having any inkling that it might be coming.

Sometimes I feel as hard as nails about mum dying, I dont know when I will start to miss her, but I do think I did a lot of my grief/anger during the period Jun-Nov last year when it went so spectactularly (sp?) tits up for her. No one in their right mind could be anything other than relieved that she died when she did - and if it had been sooner it would have been easier all round.

First oncology appt for DH tomorrow; cant wait. He is in a shit mood tonight (anxiety) and has been feeling dreadful for the last few days. So I hope we might actually start to get somewhere now.

cockroach and courage mes amies to all.

to be clear, I have no judgement on anyone's clothes, honest!

@Onedayatatimethistime

I went to dig out the previous thread about this and realised it was you...you sound in a similar situation to mine last year. Once the palliative care team got involved, everything was much clearer. My difficulty was getting them involved in the first place as similar to you - a new doctor was assigned and seemed convinced something could be done, though that was for a very short time.

So with your case, you've had the comments on the other thread. I would only add, if your DM goes home and is able to do stairs, you might find that some agencies won't do stairs with the person.

also I don't know what finally happens about administering things like morphine because dad did end up in a hospice. But given there's "hospice at home" I imagine it can all be sorted.

Big hugs to you

No time to say anything except cockroach all —and I own some velour trousers from Lands End, so shoot me now—

Hi all, I need some advice please. Mum's still in hospital. Following 2 bouts of pneumonia she's got C.diff and been transferred to isolation. No handover was done between wards and, in terms of discharge we seem to back to square one.

I'm looking into what we can put in place privately to expedite getting her home. For context we are looking at palliative care as mum has already said she doesn't want continued treatment. She wants to get home and die on her terms (as much as is possible). New doc today was talking about further investigations and starting paperwork again!

Saw pals on way out of hospital. They have given new ward a kick up the arse and palliative care team will see mum tomorrow and get in touch with me.

Does anyone have any experience with putting a care package together privately please?

she would say the same about a strange woman in the house, to be fair.

It's all an interesting compromise from my perspective as I am starting to really feel that my quality of life is better when I stay with mum. I'm at my home at the moment. I am conscious that as she gets older it could get way more depressing so still dithering about moving in.

Detoxpup

the thing is, she will ask me to be there because there's a stranger in the house. I can say no and she won't get annoyed but I do completely understand why she doesn't want to deal with said strange bloke.

but the logic of strange bloke in the house to do a job I can do completely defeats me.

Oh yes I get only a man can do it (and now I just agree and let the men get on with it and take the chance of a break!)

Dint the lady who made the 10 year comment cared for parents into their 90s and coped well, I guess, though of course people won't say stuff IRL that they say here.

Thigh how did your mum take that? I was actually wondering about that Fantastic Services company you mentioned. Mum's TV looks ready to pack up and she is also the type who wants someone to "install" a new one and is looking for an old fashioned shop + service. I suppose she will go ahead with that if she wants to but I was thinking cheaper TV plus installer.

I have pointed out that I can do all this but she thinks that's nuts. I think she wants a man to do it!!

Grace chums.co.uk looks like it has some pull on cords and also some pull on thermal lined trousers. Plus some velour tracksuits!! Slight envy, i feel a little veloury.

Hello everyone and welcome newbies

Things are good and bad Chez Thigh (I actually think of myself as Thigh these days).

I'm getting on better with Mum, we had a frank talk and I asked her what she actually wanted of me. I said i felt unhappy with the current levels of demand given i have an ill SN teen, work, dogs, house etc. I said I felt nothing was enough and i felt very sad at the deterioration of our relationship.

She said company and a change of scenery (ie my delightful face). I'm perfectly happy with that so pop over for a cup of tea and a chat about 5 days a week (very local).

I want to see Dad anyway as I think he's fading, i fear this will be his last year. Unless he eats more but it's just a spoonful of porridge here and a spoonful of soup there. He very much does have the will to live and is desperate to get out dog walking again but he lacks the strength.

Yolo I'm so pleased you got away with DH, do you feel rejuvenated?

Grace Corduroy trousers? Um JD Williams? Dad loves him some cords and the ones at M&S aren't thick enough for thin olds. Post the solution if you find it!